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BEHIND THE BIKE SHEDS
(1983-85)
YORKSHIRE
BLATANT NUDGE-NUDGE TITLE belied boring content of this equivalent of those school assemblies when your teachers tried to show their "funny side" by dressing up as Frank Spencer or singing Abba songs on a guitar. School possessed of the titular freestanding snog'n'smoke outhouse was Fulley Comprehensive (do you, ah, fuck it) and was populated by, variously, headmaster Pericles Braithewaite, caretaker Poskitt (played by, er, Kjartan Poskitt), headmistress Miss Megan Bigge, aka Megapig, deputy Whistle Willie (tee hee) and great hordes of the Harehills Youth Dance Theatre prone to start throwing shapes at the flimsiest opportunity.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WAS THAT THE CLAMMY HAND OF TONY SLATTERY ON SCRIPT DUTIES? AYE!
BEHIND THE LINES/FIGHTER PILOT/THE PARAS
(1980s)
BBC
DEFTLY SURFING the wave of post-Falklands yomp-inspired rejoicing, BERNARD FALK narrated these talk-of-the-classroom-the-next-morning fly on the barrack-room wall documentary efforts. Plenty of shouty blokes with moustaches yelling: "You call these boots clean?", lots of assault courses, spectacular airborne footage (in Pilot) and many a fat-necked participant's heart broken as they are deemed "not to have what it takes".
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."LISTEN. THE FOWKLUNDS RIGHT, IT WAS OUR VIETNAM. ONLY THEY HAD THAT BLOKE ROBIN WILLIAMS PLAYING RECORDS AT 'EM, AND WE GOT JIM DAVIDSON..."
BEIDERBECKE AFFAIR/TAPES/CONNECTION, THE
(1985-88)
YORKSHIRE
LYNDA BELLINGHAM'S other half from Second Thoughts and Robbie Coltrane's other half from Cracker meet in the staff room of a Leeds comprehensive, discover a mutual interest in the eponymous parper, then spend an indecent number of episodes - and years - on the run from, among others, corrupt councillors, corrupt policemen, corrupt landowners, corrupt corrupters, corrupt publicans, corrupt clarinettists (always a threat) and a Russian with a red face. Tinker from LOVEJOY was in it (as a rogue, naturally), along with BERYL REID, TERENCE RIGBY and MAGGIE JONES. Affable if incomprehensible business penned by ALAN PLATER. Your Mum liked the scenery, your Dad liked the jazz.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."YOUR CHOICE, TREVOR: ME OR A NEW STYLUS"
BELLAMY'S BACKYARD SAFARI
(1981)
BBC
SPEECH-IMPAIRED HUNT supporter's follow-up to the hugely successful BOTANIC MAN and UP A GUMTREE made use of close-up photography and ever-popular chromakey to put Bellamy, forever sporting an appalling tiny pair of shorts, in amongst spiders, ladybirds, slugs etc., with poorly-developed sense of danger from predatory insects. Spin-off, SEASIDE SAFARI, failed to see Dave eaten by a giant clam.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."VESE WADYBIRDS ARE CARNIVOWOUS...AAH! HEWP!"
AND AGAIN, but this time he'd given up on kids with half a brain (we'd rumbled him!) and made do talking down to toddlers. On the other side. Cue a very old and decrepit PC that talked to David (in a sexy woman's voice, like these things always do), on which he produced an environmental newsletter, called...oh, you work it out.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CIRCULATION: LESS THAN TWO
BELLE AND SEBASTIAN
(1967-68)
FRANCE
ORIGINAL LIVE ACTION version of this Alpen-yawn business saw eight-year-old Seb tame mysterious beast of the mountains (in reality dopey dog Belle) with supposed gypsy hokum and go on to catch smugglers and stop avalanches with bare hands. And paws. Dubbed into posh English to make kid - naturally - sound like a public schoolboy. Later animation varieties achieved rare feat of making antics seem even less animated.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...LATER WENT ON TO, AMONG OTHER THINGS, BEAT STEPS TO WIN A BRIT AWARD
BENJI, ZAX AND THE ALIEN PRINCE
(1984)
HANNA-BARBERA
ONE OF H-B's rare live action adventures, concerning a mutt, a kooky flying disc-shaped robot "guardian" of the Black Hole school of comedy sidekickery (TV executives: "We need a robot...with attitude!"), and your usual posh kid (see! They had them in America too!) who was actually from outer space and needed to get home but kept being chased by baddies in black Transit vans. Who knows if he ever made it.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WE DON'T, FOR SURE
THE BENNY HILL SHOW
(1969-89)
THAMES
MORE FAMOUS than the Queen in the US. Lived in a shitty flat with money under the mattress. Ben Elton hated him. Same script used for entire decades of "specials": Hill's Angels; dappy beret-with-protruding-tongue "character"; running at triple speed in single file via a zigzag route through the park; slapping that bald bloke on the head; "humourous graffiti"; more running at triple speed back in the other direction; HENRY MAGEE, BOB TODD, BELLA EMBERG, NICHOLAS PARSONS looking alternately discomfited and petrified; Fred Scuttle; Chinese bloke Chow Mein. Sides split from sea to shining sea.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...EXHORTED VIEWERS OF THE NEWLY-FORMED ITV COMPANY IN 1969 TO "GO GAY WITH THAMES"
NEVER-ENDING BUBBLE floated off from SOAP centring on exploits of titular butler (ROBERT GUILLAUME) who, on leaving the ancestral Tate dynasty, found employment at the mansion of US State Govenor Gene Gatling (JAMES NOBLE). Predictable upstairs/below stairs power play as butler is hundred times smarter than his boss, but morphed from being simple domestic chicanery to stuff far grander, as Benson became successively the State's budget director, Lieutenant Govenor and, blimey, a contender for the top job itself. Outcome of said showdown 'tween employer/employee never - ho ho - revealed. Supporting "humour" from tight-lipped German housekeeper Gretchen Kraus (INGA SWENSON) and surreal appearances by Jessica Tate's "ghost".
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...DIDN'T EVEN SHOW ALL THE EPISODES OVER HERE
THROUGH THE CLOUDS, a shape appears. Is it a face? It is a lump of rock? Is it the evado-tax utopia of Jersey? Yes, yes and yes! To the strains of the best twangy guitar this side of the Needles came JOHN NETTLES with a gammy leg and a drink problem, intent on clearing up the curiously high number of non-tax fraud crimes besetting that fair isle. Employed by the Bureau des Estrangers. Drove a 1947 Triumph sports car on roads made up of the noisest gravel in the world. Father-in-law, TERENCE ALEXANDER, supplied chucklesome "brushes" with criminality, while Leela off of DR WHO became his bit on the side before she got bumped off. Other squeezes included amusingly-named lawyer Marianne Bellshade (CELIA "I'VE CHANGED CLIFFORD, I HAVE TRIPLETS NOW" IMRIE), tourist officer Francine (CECILE PAOLI) and professional jewel nicker Philippa Vale (LIZA "SOUNDS LIKE..."GODDARD). Other regulars who'd show up whenever someone was needed to ask "What are you up to, Jim?" included Diamond, er, Diamante Lil; quack Dr Lejeune; and "long-suffering" boss man Chief Inspector Crozier. Last series saw sulky John limp off to Provence only to find - heavens! - all his cases seemed to involve going back to Jersey.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CO-STARRING ROGER SLOMAN AS DIM FRENCH PLOD INSPECTOR DEFFAND
THE BERNIE WINTERS SHOW
(1978-80)
THAMES
POST-BUST UP WITH MIKE canine-accursed affair wherein our hero stumbled his way towards many a Barry Cryer-penned punchline while Schnorbitz looked on nonplussed. Audiences across the land did likewise. The 1980s - and MAKE ME LAUGH, WHOSE BABY? and THE BIG TOP VARIETY SHOW - beckoned.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AS DID A LOAD OF FLANAGAN AND ALLEN IMPERSONATIONS WITH LESLIE CROWTHER
SHOPFLOOR STOP MOTION SHENANIGANS involving multi-racial it's-the-80s workforce grappling with bemused comic stylings of titular amiable mass-production system. "Some people say you've a mind of your own," ruminated theme tune bloke, "and I think that's very likely - likely!" Machine had comedy face, so odds on bloke was right. Redoubtable kids fare, voiced by redoubtable ROY KINNEAR.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WE CAN DEPEND UPON YOU
EL NAFFO comedy-drama for Saturday teatime which sank without trace pretty soon. JOEL HIGGINS played a Spencerian galoot rolling up in a wild west town with his family ("Man and wife/His boy makes three") and causes - yes - much mayhem.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."YIPPITI-YI-YO, YIPPITI-YI-YAY, GIVE THREE MIGHTY CHEERS/YIPPITI-YI-YO, YIPPITY-YI-YAY, FOR THE WESTERN PIONEERS." SHAN'T.
SPRAWLING, MULTI-COLOURED, nose-twitching, mouth-wrinkling sorcerama. Early-doors TV beaut ELIZABETH MONTGOMERY played dutiful wife to DICK YORK (who regenerated into DICK SARGEANT) despite obvious coven-leanings. Neighbour suspected but never told. Long-forgotten "relatives" kept showing up to join in the fun. Still bundled out by lazy C4 types as recently as last week. Probably. Dependable distracting half hour whimsy.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ROTTEN FILM REMAKE NOTWITHSTANDING
BRYNNERCENTRIC FILM of mad robots in amusement park span off the road to create this short-lived series where those pesky androids are sent off into the world at large to take over and rule! "Rule, I tells you!!"
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AND NOT MUCH HAPPENED. REALLY.
BIG BLUE MARBLE
(1974-80s)
ITT
SESAME STREET-STYLE affair which affirmed "The Earth's, a-big-blue mar-ble when you view it from above..." over a zoomy-in shot of same, mixing to "kids around the world" montage. An "all inclusive" internationalathon, much in the manner of this country's MY WORLD/OUR WORLD or EVERYBODY HERE! in spirit.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CUE ANIMATION OF NUMEROUS BLACK AND WHITE THINGS LIVING SIDE BY SIDE IN HARMONY. WAS MACCA WATCHING?
BIG BREADWINNER HOG
(1969)
GRANADA
BLUDGEONING BASTARD gangland bastard business with PETER "DECREASING" EGAN as eponymous number one bastard, TIMOTHY WEST nervous bastard, DAVID LELAND cocky bastard and ROSEMARY MCHALE as Mrs Bastard. Acid-in-bastard-face first episode frenzy raised eyebrows and hackles alike.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...A SCARED ITV AXED IT. BASTARDS.
LOOK, IT'S RAY BROOKS, aka Robby Box, who's never done a day's work in his life but is now trying to kick the gambling habit with help of the missus, SHARON DUCE. Decent enough red-faced romp of a weeknight evening. But wait, isn't that BOBBY GEE off Bucks Fizz hollering his way through the theme song ("It's no big deal to take a chance against the odds...")? Oh yes. Oh no.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...IT'S ONLY A GAME, SO TAKE A CHANCE AGAINST THE ODDS!
BIG JIM AND THE FIGARO CLUB
(1979-81)
BBC
SIX-PART 50S-SET-AND-STYLE capery with NORMAN ROSSINGTON, ROLAND CURRAM and JIGSAW'S SYLVESTER McCOY, appearing here as SYLVESTE (sic) MCCOY, tracking their adventures around a housing estate making life miserable for a snobbish and rather officious council officer. Catchphrase: "One for Figaro...every bugger for Figaro".
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AS IS LAW IN ALL HOUSING ESTATE-BASED TELLY, 'KHAZY' BLOWN UP IN ONE EPISODE
BIG JOHN, LITTLE JOHN
(1976-77)
NBC
PHIL SILVERS-LOOKALIKE teaches in your average all-American high school but, thanks to incredibly contrived exploring-in-Florida-drinks-from-fountain-of-youth mix-up ("and that magic water/was the thing that made him shrink" explained painstaking theme), turns sporadically from balding, mid-forties science master into small, same-age-as-pupils-in-class-he's-teaching kid. Dreamed up by man behind THE BRADY BUNCH and GILLIGAN'S ISLAND. Endless amusement derived from anticipating the moment when "Zap! He'll change, and rearrange, and he's Big John again!" Endless for three-year-olds, that is.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BETTER THAN GENTLE BEN
BRIAN MOORE-HELMED ITV rival to MATCH OF THE DAY, originally only shown in London leading to insane capital bias: "Coming up, Liverpool v Manchester United, but first to Selhurst Park..." Heralded by that joyous march, accompanied by a frenzied fresco of evocative football images: Terry Hennessey winking at Moore, Dennis Tueart frozen in bicycle kick mid-air etc. JIMMY HILL was also originally involved, memorably covering for an injured linesman at Highbury in a fetching turquoise tracksuit, and bizarrely accompanying Raquel Welch to Stamford Bridge: "These guys are just such great athletes!". Other ITV regions had their own versions, featuring a dizzying array of eccentric commentators such as Hugh Johns (ATV), Gerald Sinstadt (Granada), John Helm (Yorkshire) and Gerry Harrison (Anglia).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BEGAT THE MATCH IN '88, SUPPOSED HI-TECH ALL-NEW ULTRA-MODERN AFFAIR, ALBEIT FRONTED BY...ELTON WELSBY
ESTHER RANTZEN dreamed up this JIMMY WILL FIX IT for grown-ups, wherein Esther's favourite people (i.e. suburban no-marks) would receive Esther's help in getting the chance to be a racing driver, present NATIONWIDE and, of course, be SHEENA EASTON. Show gains extra points for ending the career of FANNY CRADDOCK when the eyebrow-less eatician slammed a punter's cookery efforts with a nation-bridling cry of "you're with the professionals now, dear".
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WELL, I WROTE THIS SONG, IT'S ABOUT A HOUSEWIFE WHOSE HUSBAND WORKS, LIKE, FROM NINE TO, LIKE, FIVE..."
BILKO/THE PHIL SILVERS SHOW/YOU'LL NEVER GET RICH
(1955-9)
CBS
"PLAAA-TOOOON, HIYAAAAH-HA!!" UPA-style cartoons introduced one of the very very best sitcoms in the world...ever, the tales of a scheming motor pool master sargeant in an isolated US army post. PHIL SILVERS created a legend as the scheming, fast-talking, womanising, gambling Ernest Bilko, ever with the eye on a get-rich-quick ploy. The scripts, though often predictable in form, were packed with enough one liners (part scripted, part improvised) to blast along at a pace miles faster than any other comedy of the same era. The plots were formulaic, all right: Bilko, aided by corporals Henshaw and Barbella, and usually enlisting the ramshackle motor pool platoon (including loverboy Paparelli and legendary doughy feeb Dwayne Doberman) would alight on a scheme to either a) con wodges of cash out of fellow sergeants Grover, Pendleton and Zowici (and later Ritzig, played by Hanna-Barbera cartoon fave JOE E "Ooh! Ooh!" ROSS) via some suitably nutzoid scheme; b) impress/woo/get back in the good books of his sweetheart, typing pool sergeant Joan Hogan; c) con, avoid, rip off and generally pull the wool over the eyes of Colonel John T Hall (the excellently bumbling and gullible PAUL FORD). Ensemble playing was brilliant, the scripts tight enough to paper over the odd cock-up, but the star was Silvers, managing to make a workshy, disreputable, manipulative soldier a sympathetic figure. NAT HIKEN created and wrote most of the show's 70-plus episodes, working more or less continuosly for years on end to incredibly high comedic standard. Still props up BBC2 daytimes today, in both this and alter ego guise of BOSS CAT, with MAURICE "Doberman" GOSFIELD as Benny the Ball.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ONE EPISODE, 'BILKO'S MERRY WIDOW', STILL NEVER AIRED ON BRITISH TELLY
KEITH "HAPPY APPLE" WATERHOUSE adapted his own novel for this sitcom salami style occasion of the fantasy-land-dwelling northern lad (JEFF RAWLE) and his struggle against reality. COLIN "BARNABY THE BEAR" JEAVONS was Mr. Shadrack.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...INVENTED SWEARING ON TELLY
BIONIC WOMAN
(1976-79)
UNIVERSAL
LEE MAJORS may have been your original Six Million shyster, but the sublime LINDSAY "ROBERT! GET OUT OF MY ROOM!" WAGNER was our "girl" (Jaime Sommers) for this CIA "we have the spin-off technology" actionfest. Lifted up a VW. Did that funny "cling-ing-ing-ing-ing" sound in slow motion. Episodes include "The Martians Are Coming", "Motorcycle Boogie" and "Fembots in Las Vegas". Thrykaaah!
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ALSO FEATURED BIONIC BOY AND, YES, BIONIC DOG
TOP HACKER thriller with the trusty RICHARD GRIFITHS as a "mild mannered" (naturally) civil servant who discovers a conspiracy and is framed with child-porn. Every once in a while, as the Richard Griffiths character got closer to danger, you'd get a couple of seconds of a truly early 80s block graphic pig being chased by a block graphic wolf. Sequel, conveniently titled BIRD OF PREY 2, came two years later.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THE COMMODORE 64TH MAN, INDEED
LACKLUSTRE CARTOON oft seen on GLEN MICHAEL'S CAVALCADE. Eponymous hero had eagle wings on his back, and his sidekick was a large intelligent bird. Lived inside the peak of a mountain outside of a city which he defended. Half-remembered battlecry along the lines of, well, "Birdman".
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...HAD TO MAKE FREQUENT VISITS TO HIGH ALTITUDES FOR SOLAR ENERGY TOP-UP
BIRDWATCH/FOXWATCH
(EARLY 1980s)
BBC
TONY "WILDTRACK" SOPER was your host for "BIRD", stuck on some godforsaken Scottish island with a couple of experts for a weekend (regular updates) looking for puffins and rare gulls but mainly getting gannet and shags (cue forced laughter in freezing-cold bunker). "FOX" came earlier, an Attenboroughcentric infra-redathon in Bristol, with much whispered commentary and very little in the way of actual foxes. Gave rise to whole battery of WATCH strands, including HOSPITAL WATCH (FRANK BOUGH regards someone getting a heart transplant, MAGGIE PHILBIN brings presents to grumpy children's ward - a nation shrugs) and, of course, GHOSTWATCH (PARKY gets taken over by arsey poltergeist - a nation cheers).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."I THINK I'VE JUST SPOTTED A TIT"
BISKITTS
(LATE 1970s)
HANNA-BARBERA
VERY SHODDILY-DEVELOPED cartoon with gang of miniature dogs outwitting "villainous" King Max and comedy jester Shecky. Some kind of sub-Asterixian strength potion as well, although maybe not, as it was shite.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NO CATCHPHRASE. NO COMMENT.
A BIT OF A DO
(1989)
YORKSHIRE
WELL-REMEMBERED RETINUE of dramatised revelries involving the extended personages of the (comedy surname alert) Simcock family, who spend their lives attending one stereotyped social function after another until they're variously a) married b) divorced c) broke d) all of the above. A load of NOBBS, with much of that writer's signature frippery in evidence (silly names, comedy grotesques, surreal punchlines, recurring catchphrases and characters). DAVID JASON headed up the brood, with GWEN TAYLOR by his side doing the usual ooh-eck would-yer-credit-it jump-in-my-grave-would-yer? schtick. Eponymous "dos" included the Angling Club Christmas party, the Dentists' dance and the crowning of Miss Frozen Chicken UK at the Cock-a-Doodle Chickens event. Dropping by for a natter and nibble: MICHAEL JAYSTON, STEPHANIE COLE, DAVID YELLAND, DIANA WESTON and a million other cadence-chewing clichés.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NOWT TAKEN OUT
A BIT OF FRY AND LAURIE
(1986-95)
BBC
.JPG)
FIRST DYNASTY, THEN SWITCH OVER TO BBC2 FOR FRY AND LAURIE. And so it once was in discerning households of a Friday night, as Stephen and Hugh brought us intricately crafted Oxbridge comedy, at turns surreal ("Par-pa! Par-pa! I haven't done this for years"), stupid ("I stooped to pick a buttercup. Why people leave buttocks lying around, I've no idea"), satirical ("What do I think of John Major's leadership? I'd welcome it!") and saucy ("Yes, it's called 'England: A Nation of Cricketers' by Ted Cunterblast"). Best topped off by that ace title sequence showing the duo walking into TV Centre, the series suffered from rapidly diminishing returns, before being upgraded to BBC1 for its fourth and final run - wherein IMELDA STAUNTON and JOHN BIRD rushed the set. Soupy twist.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."I WOULDN'T SUCK IT!"
BITS AND PIECES
(EARLY 1980s)
GRAMPIAN
"PIONEERING" I.E. ROPEY SATURDAY morning techie tombola bringing primitive home computer technology to bleary-eyed weekenders. Obligatory reviews of new games, cumbersome programming tips, all-exclusive premieres of three second animation etc. Opening titles boasted, of course, an 80s (therefore computer-generated) version of titular Dave Clark Five 1960s hit; while closing credits rolled over exciting "audio" playback of a selected new program (e.g. HORACE TAKES THE BUS) which viewers were, ahem, supposed to record and load onto their machines.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ONLY FOR USE IN YOUR OWN HOME, MIND
CANADIAN COMEDY skitathon helmed by John Byner, noted over here for a) promise, but never the delivery, of shameless female nudity, always an enormous boon for the younger viewer; b) stuntman Super Dave Osborne, aka BOB EINSTEIN (Marty Funkhouser in Curb Your Enthusiasm). One sketch boasted a man who claimed he was trisexual, with the upshot being he was about to get married to his chimpanzee lover. Surely the punchline should have been "I'm trisexual: I'll try anything!"
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THESE THINGS WRITE THEMSELVES!
B.J. AND THE BEAR
(1979)
WHO ELSE BUT GLEN A. LARSON?
AHEM. VERY late (but not late enough) seventies-style amalgam of Every Which Way But Loose and Smokey and The Bandit, with GREG "MY TWO DADS" EVIGAN as a stupid trucker named, er, BJ, replete with screwy chimp sidekick "The Bear" (named after some American baseball/football player or other. Like anyone in this country would know).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NO GIGGLING AT THE BACK THERE
THE BLACK AND BLUE LAMP
(1988)
BBC
PAY ATTENTION. Scene opens in black-and-white on two bobbies recreating the first bit of 1950 black-and-white celluloid chestnut The Blue Lamp (the one which ushered George "Evening all" Dixon into the world); but then, after a few minutes, action switches mid-sentence to colour and the present day, with our heroes somehow transported forward in time into 1980s cop drama The Filth, replete with bent pigs, foul mouths and knuckle sandwiches. Much confusion ensues, understandably. One of the best of the Beeb's Screenplay offerings, not least for how, after roughing up a suspect using items of office equipment, one proto-Burnside detective delivers the immortal line: "Wipe that in-tray off your face".
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."YOU CAN'T HIT ME, YOU'RE THE BOGIES!"
ANNA SEWELL'S Victorio-horse catalogue had fuck all to do with these "adventures" featuring WILLIAM LUCAS. Every episode the same: posh girl/boy takes a tumble up on some godforsaken hillock; eponymous beast comes to rescue/gets hurt/goes missing; entire posh family sip tea/draw a bath/take a turn around the garden until things calm down again.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THEME TUNE ALAN PARTRIDGE'S FAVOURITE PIECE OF MUSIC. AFTER JET, OF COURSE.
SIMILING SITCOM beloved of Radio Times, and Only Good Thing in the career of Richard Curtis. For four series Blackadder (ROWAN ATKINSON) plus enduring cohorts Baldrick (TONY ROBINSON) and the other ones (usually played by a combination of TIM MCINNERY, STEPHEN FRY and HUGH LAURIE) brought "alternative" comedy to the mainstream. Words such as "wibble" and "Bob" were designated as funny and viewers were introduced to a legion of unseen but appositely named characters who happened to live in pertinently monikered houses, situated in relevantly titled streets based in aptly appelated towns (i.e. Thicky McThick of Thicky Manor Thickstreet, Thickton). The programme was just good enough to transcend the annoying fact that people who shouldn't like it, did; but by its fourth series, BLACKADDER was looking a little tired with a recycling of plotlines and characters that made yet another sodding Dwayne Dibbly cameo in an episode of RED DWARF seem like a breath of fresh air by comparison. Famously the final episode concluded with all of the characters (bar Stephen Fry's Melchett) getting blasted to smithereens while running across a BBC studio (they ran very slowly though to ensure they didn't trip over a trailing camera cable).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WIBBLE
PERVY OLD MAN WHO looks like Dennis Potter but isn't, but actually is, pervs over GINA BELLMAN's breasts while narrator, who sounds like Dennis Potter, but actually is, pervs over the old man perving.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."SPIT ON ME! SPIT ON ME!"
.JPG)
.JPG)
"WHERE'S BLAKE?" quoth Terence of Wogan every morning on Radio 2 for years, and who could blame him? Preposterous "space opera" done on whatever was left in the sci-fi budget after DR WHO had finished, and which carried on long past the point its titular star had buggered off along with any semblance of wit and wisdom. Set in the 3rd century of the second calendar (eh?). Universe ruled by The Federation, i.e. Nazis. Renegades, i.e. plucky British types, out to prove otherwise. All ugly: Blake (GARETH THOMAS) who ran things until he pissed off; Avon (PAUL DARROW) who took over and who exercised his mean credentials by forever gazing pompously into the middle distance; Villa (bald, comedy), Gan (big), Cally (telepathic po-facery) and Jenna (dodgy crim). Later replacements were Soolin and (yes!) Tarrant. JACQUELINE PEARCE was the only good-looking one, but she was no. 1 big bastard enemy Servalan. Along for the ride: Zen, large hexagonal computer with disco lights, and Orac, nasal talking fish tank with fairy lights. Spaceship Liberator was made out of three tennis balls and some bogroll. All Terry Nation's fault. Again.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BAKED BEAN ENDING: EVERYONE COPS IT
"ON THE PANEL, six of the finest showbusiness minds in the country. Sadly that was last week, so here are half a dozen no-hopers instead." Hooray! Best-ever celebrity quiz in the history of telly, thanks to titanic quantities of self-deprecation launched by hosts El Tel and Sez Les. Piss-easy rules: two contestants (triangular or square) required to fill in the blanks in such humorous statements as "Lord Terence of Wogan had a spot of bother at the local garden party - he mistook one of the ornamental fountains for a blank", but in such a way as to agree with the answers of a panel of six personalities. These were sat in a two-tier arrangement on the other side of the studio according to a famously strict pattern - top row: Middle-aged male character actor/humourist (eg ROY HUDD, GEORGE COLE); middle-aged female character actress/celeb (BERYL REID, CLAIRE RAYNER); blandish 30/40something male celeb (GARETH HUNT, GARY DAVIES); bottom row: bit of fluff for host to eye up (LORRAINE CHASE, LINDA LUSARDI); wacky comedian (almost always KENNY EVERETT); and dizzy actress/singer (SANDRA DICKINSON, CHERYL BAKER). All wrote their answer in 30-second longeur on tatty piece of card, before holding up "Ready" stick (later illuminated light) when finished. Finale supermatch game ("Supermatch game, supermatch game!") had a board with various possible answers to something like "FISHING BLANK" worth 50 blanks (equivalent prize - matching luggage), 100 blanks (drinks trolley) and 150 blanks (self-assembly greenhouse). "Eugene, please reveal the legend!" Again, they picked celebs to suggest answers for them "or you can go for one of your own!" (they never did, poor fools). Everyone went away with a Blankety Blank cheque book and pen in, ahem, solid silver. The Wogan years: stick microphone (which Kenny invariably bent into amusing shape), "I don't know what's going on here" spiel, bemused disgust at BBC penny-pinching. The Dawson years: stamping on floor, elephant man gags, "Goodnight to our viewer in Cheltenham", "prizes beyond avarice itself", comical fury at BBC canteen. Rotten late-90s revival under auspices of Wirral transvestite LILY SAVAGE.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."CAROL, MY DEAR, WHAT'VE YOU GOT FOR MEEEEEEEEE?"
DEMOBBED BEFROCKED ARTHUR LOWE patrols 1950s London parish of St. Jude's as wise-cracking Father Charles Duddleswell in perilous scorched earth assault on Nimmo held territory.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FEW CASUALTIES
BLESS THIS HOUSE
(1971-76)
THAMES
WHAT LIFE WOULD BE LIKE if you had Sid James as your dad, i.e. ace. Episode would begin with Sid, playing character called Sid (naturally), perusing the paper for the racing odds and end with him caught in an unflattering position/sporting a piece of inappropriate clothing/caught in an unflattering position while sporting a piece of inappropriate clothing. Inbetween: wife Jean moans about Sid forgetting to put the potatoes on; son Mike dresses like a hippy; daughter Sally implies she was off to have sex; Sid slurps slotch; Sid claps hand to forehead; Sid leers over passing crumpet; Sid laughs; "No no no no no no no no, you silly woman!"
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...LARGE-HEADED, ANIMATED JAMES IN THE TITLES WINKED WEARILY AT CAMERA AS SECOND-BEST DOORBELL-BASED TV THEME EVER (AFTER CROSSROADS) UNFURLED
BLIZZARD'S WONDERFUL WOODEN TOYS / BLIZZARD'S WIZZARD WOODWORK
(1983-84)
BBC
PODGY, AMIABLE West country dad with a penchant for making stuff from wood on Sunday afternoons decides to share hobby with nation. Succession of long-suffering assistants (usually called Keith) called upon to lug stuff about and "go and put the kettle on". Never-ending saga of model Rolls-Royce Silver Ghost, a hopelessly complicated labour of love that surely nobody would have attempted to follow, has nation hastily finding better uses for its post-lunch downtime.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I'D'VE LOVED TO HAVE HAD TOYS LIKE THESE WHEN I WAS A CHILD..."
BLOCKBUSTERS
(1983-94)
CENTRAL
WE'RE ALL FAMILIAR with this one. Take two Morrissey lookalikes, one bird you wouldn't touch with a bargepole, some teddy bears with scarves, a firm-but-friendly host who was the first James Bond (fact!) easy-to-middling questions, five pounds (gosh!) for every correct answer and a seemingly infinite potential for unfunny catchphrases ("Can I have a P please, Bob?"), and what do you have? Essential viewing, if only because it coincided with your tea. Fridays always marked by tedious hand-jive business at the end (fucking sixth-formers!) Stellar opening titles, flying through the futuristic city of octagon boffins inside the foyer at Central TV. Studio was similarly decorated with stone pictures of famous clever bastards, like that bloke with the beard lying down (later designers lost plot slightly with induction of Hilda Ogden into BB Wall Of Fame). Crunch time came with "Put yourself on the hot spot please!" for the chance to win a hand-gliding holiday in northern France. Alternative was to do badly and get a Blockbusters jumper. Kids wore school uniforms in the early days, but this uncool practice soon died out. The board, meantime, was always fascinating, worthy - you'd think - of a penetrating investigation by SUE ROBBIE on TX, but ultimately revealed to just be flashing lightbulbs. As usual, all latterday revivals were shit. But hey, that's Blockbusters!
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THOSE CLEVER BASTARDS IN FULL: ABRAHAM LINCOLN, ISAMBARD KINGDOM BRUNEL, TINA TURNER, MOTHER TERESA, GEORGE BERNARD SHAW, AMY JOHNSTON, JOHN WAYNE, HAROLD MACMILLAN, WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, CHARLIE CHAPLIN, WINSTON CHURCHILL, MERYL STREEP, ALBERT EINSTEIN, LENIN, HARRISON FORD, MAO TSE TUNG, KENNY DALGLISH, BOB GELDOF, BEETHOVEN, MARTINA NAVRATILOVA, HILDA OGDEN, WOODY ALLEN, TOYAH, CONFUCIUS, QUEEN ELIZABETH I, A PUNK, MOSES, DALEY THOMPSON, MARILYN MONROE, A TEACHER, AN ASTRONAUT, A DIVER, A RASTAFARIAN AND TUTANKHAMEN
GERMAN TERRORIST Irene Kohl (JULIET HAMMOND-HILL) grabs UN official's son for own exaggeratedly Teutonic evil purposes. MICHAEL DENISON and BERNARD HEPTON came to the rescue with the Yard's Finest.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ORIGINAL SCRIPT SPECIFIED SNATCH VICTIM AS 17TH IN LINE TO THRONE, UNTIL BUCKINGHAM PALACE SUITS OBJECTED
RICHARD BECKINSALE'S last comedic role: an out of work actor running a florist's. Not a classic swansong.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...RICH DIED THE DAY OF THE FINAL REHEARSAL
BLOTT ON THE LANDSCAPE
(1985)
BBC
"ROLLICKING" TOM-SHARPERY with DAVID "POIROT" SUCHET AND GERALDINE "CROWN" JAMES. Motorway protests, loins, trying to shag dreary government inspector SIMON CADELL and the unforgettable sight of JULIA "FRESH FIELDS" MACKENZIE dressed as a pantomime cat performing bondage on a naked GEORGE COLE.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AND AN APPEARANCE BY NEWSROUND'S PAUL MCDOWELL TO BOOT
BLUE PETER
(1958-NOW)
BBC
"AND I think I can just hear the sound of the Chalk Farm Salvation Army brass band coming up the hill..."
TV CREAM immortality rating -
B |
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