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LAUNCHED SIMULTANEOUSLY with AIRWOLF, this had the back up of a "major motion picture" as origin, though eponymous chopper was insufficiently 1980s in appearance to beat the cooler 'Wolf. JAMES FARENTINO in the "cock", co-pilot was DANA "WAYNE'S WORLD" CARVEY.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."OK THAT'S IT. FROM NOW ON, WE'RE GOING TO DO THINGS MY WAY"
SUNDAY NIGHT past-your-bedtime Nazi/nightclub confection with CAROLYN "DAUGHTER OF JUDGE" PICKLES as real-life Irish hoofer Margaret Kelly who whiled away World War II in Paris presiding over bawdy burlesque house peopled with leggy blondes of stipulation 6ft plus height. Much earnest bicycle riding and opening of giant French internal doors, in-between "artistic" exposure of bare breasts. Madge's Irish passport conveniently saved her from Nazi arrest every week; other cast not so fortunate. Eventually married Jewish bloke played by PHILLIP SAYER, who had to hide in a loft for the duration. ELIZABETH HURLEY looked in.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NOT THE NEW TENKO
BLUEY
(1976)
CRAWFORD PRODUCTIONS
AUSSIE COP runaround wherein the improbably-named detective sergeant Bluey Hills was played by the even more improbably-named LUCKY GRILLS. Despite middle age, chain smoking and a beer gut to shame Frank Cannon, every week he would outrun physically fit teenage crims. Bent the rules. Sexist. The name Bluey refers to a long-running Aussie radio serial Blue Hills - Fatso's surname is Hills, hence the nick Bluey.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...LATER TAKEN BY SOME YOUNG PRANKSTERS (D-GENERATION CROWD) AND RE-WRITTEN AS "BARGEARSE!" WITH SCENES DUBBED OVER WITH WONDERFULLY EVOCATIVE INNUENDO AND FART JOKES ("I WANT A SHITLOAD OF DIM-SIMS, WITH A BUCKET OF SOY SAUCE!")
DULL CARTOON about accident-prone clan which would have faded from memory completely but for the vocal presence of one FRANKIE HOWERD on narrative duties. "How they make those blunders is what everybody wonders."
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...RELATED TO 70S PUBLIC INFORMATION FILM MOTOR MALPRACTICE BUNCH THE BLUNDERS. POSSIBLY.
TOP PRODUCT placement childventures. A "gang" of "the kidz" who are "misunderstood" by "the grown-ups" who "give them jip" over their BMX in the street stunts and "endoes" finally "come good" when they "foil" the "best laid plans" of some "bungling crooks" and are "hailed" as "local heroes". NICOLE KIDMAN was in it, but what did she ever amount to? The smart money was always on DAVID ARGUE and top actor ANGELO D'ANGELO. Still is. In a way.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."BMX BOYS HAVE A LOT OF FUN/THEY RIDE THEIR BIKES OUT IN THE SUN" OR ALTERNATIVELY THROUGH A LAKE OF TRAMP'S PISS IN AN OVERCAST PROVINCIAL CAR PARK...
THE BOB MONKHOUSE SHOW
(1983-86)
BBC
AT LAST: the first hurrah for the great Sir Bob in this A-Z. And what a performance. From inside a bizarre studio boutique, half-resembling a suburban parlour with framed portraits of comedy "greats" lining the wallpaper, our man welcomed to BBC2 those viewers bored of Panorama and World In Action on the other side. Then, after a few neat opening topical gags ("I said to my tax inspector, 'have a heart!'; he took it"), Bob would settle back on his L-shaped sofa for interview, anecdote and cross-talk with assorted British and American comedy luminaries.
Of the Yanks, BOB HOPE was undoubtedly the prize catch, joining Bob M for a duet riffing on his theme tune ("Thanks for the memory/I'll lay down the line, being on your show is fine!"), with SID CAESAR coming in second. JOAN RIVERS made an impact, as did similarly "waspish" veteran PHYLLIS DILLER. DOM DELUISE turned up to mug, blow and recall being sorely tempted to pinch Burt Reynolds' arse during the Silent Movie shower scene. KELLY MONTEITH was urbanely dry as ever, RITA RUDNER was, well, Rita Rudner, and specialist comedians such as Professor Irwin Corey (the US equivalent of STANLEY UNWIN and inspiration for Bubba Bear in HELP IT'S THE HAIR BEAR BUNCH), nasal pianist PETE BARBUTTI and impressionist RICH LITTLE were oddly fascinating.
Bob created a regular spot for then-unknown US comics. STEVEN WRIGHT was an obvious hit here, as was EMO PHILLIPS. SANDRA BERNHARD and improv duo MONTEITH AND RAND didn't translate so effortlessly, and JIM CARREY (still firmly in his "we couldn't afford Steve Martin" phase) and VICTORIA JACKSON (who did, er, handstands) fell rather flat. Still, the occasional gem only the likes of Monkhouse would know about, such as soft-spoken radio parodists Bob Elliott and Ray Goulding, or musical whimsyologist Martin Mull (the nearest America's likely to get to Viv Stanshall) snuck through often enough to prove this was no "book whoever's in town" knock-off.
British comics made up the bulk of the guests, and were consequently very variable. A rare appearance for RONNIE BARKER was a draw (with plenty of 'Gentleman's Relish'), and Monkhouse got a lot out of VICTORIA WOOD and an ascendent MICHAEL BARRYMORE.
Some were disappointing; PETER COOK's heart wasn't in it that night, and other guests stuck to tried and tested routines - let's face it, JIMMY CRICKET was hardly going to provide a wealth of comic analysis. CHARLIE DRAKE recounted that tale of him being knocked unconscious by a stageweight which shouldn't have been left in the middle of a collapsible bookshelf on live TV again, and WARREN MITCHELL did the old "no mate, we're having a go at YOU!" bit again.
SPIKE MILLIGAN regaled us with yet another version of that ancient "man shits self, buys trousers, changes on train, finds ladies' pink Cashmere sweater in bag" shaggy dog story (though in this case improved somewhat with an ending wherein he actually dons the garment around his nether regions, sticking his bowler hat into the gap left by the neckhole, thus leaving him with "a sort of brown felt rupture").
LES DAWSON did the usual piano routine, a couple of old club anecdotes, and his celebrated "facially-deformed honeymooning couple trying to blow out a candle" bit.
DENIS NORDEN and RAY ALAN were surprisingly good value, sticking to a wealth of anecdotes rather than doing a routine per se - ditto KENNY EVERETT and eternal stooge-to-the-greats LIBBY MORRIS.
PAUL DANIELS blotted his copybook by performing an extended George Formby impersonation (The Lancashire Toreador, for the record) which made PETER SELLERS' similar turn on Parky seem the essence of brevity by comparison.
SU POLLARD recreated her first showbiz job, belting out a whimsical ditty for spot cream ("It doesn't shrink the pimple one little bit/It brings the rest of the skin up level with it!") A sonorous performance, to say the least.
PAMELA STEPHENSON destroyed the polystyrene set to Bob's feigned chagrin.
GARY WILMOT impersonated American singers doing cockney songs - e.g. Randy Crawford singing Knees Up, Mother Brown. Oddly memorable, that one.
DEREK GRIFFITHS did plenty of mime, including a fateful stint in panto miming an old woman taking her clothes off (kid in upper circle: "You've forgotten the bra, granny!")
The odd musical comedy turn - Kit and the Widow, Fascinating Aida, Cosmotheka (a sort of folksy, banjo-strumming Chas 'n' Dave who brought their own gypsy caravan onto the stage - don't ask) - broke up the proceedings with minimal effect.
Some acts were obviously going nowhere - while the great vent act SENOR WENCES ("S'alright?" "S'alright!") was still going strong, RONN LUCAS and cowboy puppet Billy grated on the nerves, no matter how clear his plosives. ROY JAY in his prisoner's uniform and "Slither! Spook!" routine was clearly on a swift path to one TV advert and sod all else. MURRAY LANGSTON, aka The Unknown Comic, wore a paper bag on his head and arsed about manically on his way to ending up as a remaindered VHS languishing at the back of Woolies. DUNCAN NORVELLE failed to get Bob to chase him.
Other nationalities included Ukranian comedy juggler YAKOV "IN SOVIET RUSSIA..." SMIRNOFF and TOMMY COOPER-esque French cock-up magician MAC RONAY.
Throughout, Bob was the consummate host, genuinely fascinated by all, and though many shows sagged when the guests weren't exactly top notch, Bob's enthusiasm - as great for just-commissioned, soon-to-vanish impressionist KAREN KAY as for FRANKIE HOWERD - was undeniably infectious. It may have been more of a compendium of old stagers' best bits than the in-depth comedy workshop it's often remembered as, but for all that there's yet to be a more enjoyable chat show on British television.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ACE CARTOON TITLES HAD MONKHOUSE "MORPHING" INTO VARIOUS MUSIC HALL GREATS - MAX WALL, CHAPLIN, MAX MILLER ETC.
SPEAKING OF WHOM... Here's the man's finest hour, aka How To Design The Perfect Game Show. This one had it all. On would come Bob in a smart suit with some nifty gags and instant catchphrasery: "In bingo lingo it's clickety-clicks, time to take your pick of the six!" Contestants arranged in novel four-booth system, reminiscent of PUNCHLINES. Booths fronted with bingo card, with game split into three rounds - light corners, light middle line and light whole card by answering questions. Winner of each round gets to choose wonderful/tacky prize from array revealed by rotating cylindrical screen (always a His 'n' Hers bathgown set on offer). Last round was pacey, quickfire stuff, with regular updates on progress from the Monk ("Dave NEEEEDS three...Sharon, you NEEEEEED seven..."). Central to the show was that most 80s of devices - the rotating structure (see BLANKETY BLANK, BULLSEYE). Here we had a three-sided construction, with the Monkhouse Mastercard, Golden Card Game and Bob's Full House logo on each side. Golden Card Game oozed excitement with the holiday destination was gradually revealed letter by letter ("Let's hope it's not Bognor!") Plus ever-present danger of being "wallied" if you got a question wrong. Everything you'd ever want from a game show and the perfect shopwindow for Bob's genius. Fact.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."COME ROUND MY HOUSE, THE DOORS ARE ALWAYS OPEN FOR YOU!"
BALD-HEADED TYKE runs amok in triangle dress by terrorising neighbourhood with blank expression and whistling. Repeatedly. Originally involved just the eponymous kid mooching around an entirely blank environment and encountering the same characters over and over again, who'd enter to own DEREK GRIFFITHS-penned theme: Aunt Flo, PC Copper ("Po-po-po-pom pom pom!"), Frank the postman ("Doo, do-do-do-do-do, do-do-do-dooo!") and Farmer Barleymow. Minimalist philosophising ensued ("They have their uses, gooses"). And that was it - until a few years later and proto-director's cut version suddenly turned up added a whole new ending charting the utterly unrelated exploits of Alberto Frog and his Amazing Animal Band. Each week, the band would land up somewhere and utilize their musical skills to do some bloke or other a favour. Alberto a tight sod; when asked what whoever-it-was could do to repay him, he invariably chose...a milkshake. Every fucking time. Only the flavour varied, and then not by much. The rest of the band seemed nonplussed at getting bugger all for doing the real work. Just when it seemed the whole kaboodle was about to end...along came another bit! This involved a tedious game of "interactive" snap with Bod-themed cards. Would the thing never end? Answer: yes, with the titular bugalugs pissing off into the distance to a fine Griffiths piece of polyrhythmic swing ("There goes Bod...but he'll be back!").
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THE SQUIRRELS KNEW WHAT HE WAS GOING TO ASK FOR
THE BODY IN QUESTION
(1978)
BBC
JONATHAN MILLER poked about inside various dead people while pontificating about doctors, guts and life.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."BEING EMBODIED IS THE ONLY INTELLIGIBLE WAY OF BEING PERSONIFIED..." SQUELCH.
DR. GRAEME GARDEN climbs out of a giant nose to explain sneezing while DR. ALAN MARYON DAVIES wriggles through a polystyrene over-sized intestine following the journey of your beans on toast and DR GILLIAN RICE jumps up and down on a trampoline to demonstrate breathing.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THEME TUNE SUPPLIED, NATURALLY, BY INSTANT SUNSHINE
PONDEROSA-BASED WESTERN ranchgoings with the redoubtable LORNE "GALACTICA" GREENE as paterfamilias Ben Cartwright, MICHAEL "TEENWOLF" LANDON as gold-hoarding Little Joe, and of course DAN BLOCKER as big ol' Hoss. Along for the (bloody endless) ride: PERNELL ROBERTS (Adam), VICTOR SEN YUNG (the Chinese cook Hop Sing) and RAY TEAL (Sheriff Roy Coffee - eh?). As with all such Americana affairs, every single episode was the same. Best bit: map burning up in opening titles. Worst bit: "Due to an unforeseen change in our schedules, we now bring you an episode of...Bonanza".
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SANDY
BONEY
(EARLY 1970s)
GLOBAL/STV (AUSTRALIA)
YET ANOTHER BLOODY outback drama. JAMES LAURENTSEN dons light coating of shoe polish to fight race prejudice as a half-Aboriginal detective. Not much remembered. By anyone, thankfully.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...LAURENTSEN WAS IN EVERY TV PROGRAMME MADE IN AUSTRALIA IN THE 1970S
SUPERGRAN-ESQUE YARNS of mild-mannered Scottish postwoman who writes adventure stories which, conveniently for television, "come to life". Last episode featured entire cast sitting down to watch "themselves" on TV, Russell Harty-like.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ALL CHARACTER NAMES OF THE PUNNING VARIETY: GRANNY KNOT, SWASH BUCKLE ETC.
SQUIRE ROBERT "WOULD THAT IT WERE" ROBINSON welcomes pre-PLAYSCHOOL idlers to a literary quiz. A nation sighs.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ANIMATED BUGLIKE THINGS IN HUGE SCARY HOUSE DID "PRINTING" ACTIVITIES TO TUNE OF THE DYING FLY
THE BOOK TOWER
(1979-89)
YORKSHIRE TV
READING-IS-FUN ENDEAVOUR which wasn't set in a tower and didn't show many books. Famous faces took turns to recite tall tales to camera a bit like JACKANORY only less po-faced. DR WHO did it for a while, before STEPHEN MOORE took over in 1982, providing a less harrowing introduction to the likes of Tom's Midnight Garden and Not Now, Bernard. Then ALUN ARMSTRONG ascended the steps in '84, swiftly followed the year after by NEIL INNES, capably interviewing the ageing writer of the Green Knowe books, Lucy Boston. Still, the Tom Baker era is forever associated with the programme: that unnerving kids-in-stately-home-hiding-behind-sliding-panels-and-being-spied-on-by-scary-man atmosphere. Continual references to something called the Book Tower Watcher's Guide, which we're pretty sure no-one ever bothered with.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THEME TUNE BY ANDREW LLOYD-WEBBER WAS THE BEST THING HE'S EVER DONE BY MILES (NOT THAT THAT'S SAYING MUCH)
GLASWEGIAN DRAMADY involving hapless bookie (wouldn't be much of a sitcom if he wasn't hapless, really) in emotional kerfuffles with a 'bird' punter. ROBERT URQUHART was it.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NOT BRAW LAFFS
BOOMPH WITH BECKER
(EARLY 1970s)
BBC
PRE-GREEN GODDESS/MAD LIZZIE fitness freakout with MARJORIE BECKER leading various "certain age" types in "gentle" exercises, often with the support of an easy chair.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."IT'S SPRING! SPRING! SPRING!" YEAH, ALRIGHT. CREAK.
BLOODY SLOW geezerama with MICHAEL "DAPHNE!" ELPHICK as Ken Boon, first a fireman, then a private dick, then a motor-courier ("hello - Texas Rangers?") with western fetish, then security boss, all alongside DAVID "IRONGRON" DAKER who was his firemate and then ran a shit hotel. Or something. Demented plots enabled whichever separate businesses the two were running to interlink, which was handy to say the least. Made Elphick a star, though, and ditto young, Ozzy-haired NEIL "CAN WE FIX IT?" MORRISSEY as dim biker Rocky.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."HI HO SILVER" THEME GOT TO NO. 5
PRE-BOON HALF-ARSED sitcom about a load of Mancunians (and token Welsh bloke) who start up a Wild West theme park/club with costumes, blank firing six-shooters and caravans with plywood fronts on them for the town buildings. Jokes like "ride carefully partner" as someone rides off on their Honda, and a sneak attack by the local pony club in warpaint.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...KENNETH COPE LED THE CHARGE
LOOK, IS THAT ANOTHER WILD WEST pixellated posse barrelling over the horizon of your telly? Why, yes, and no foolin'. This one, though, was pretty fine, with much sepia shoot-em-ups based on the doings of the Cavalry in the Wild West. Flying arrows, last-minute reliefs of wagon trains by the cavalry, treacherous Red Men, unscrupulous medicine showmen and grizzled sargeants a-plenty. Episodes always ended with a shot of an unmounted horse by a flagpole showing the Stars and Stripes.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...LIKE CURLY-WURLIES AND WOODY ALLEN, MORE POPULAR OVER HERE THAN OVER THERE
BOOTSIE AND SNUDGE
(1960-63, 1974)
GRANADA
SHABBY SPIN-OFF from THE ARMY GAME depositing two of the erstwhile Tommies in seedy gentleman's club The Imperial and letting comical class war ensue. Bootsie (ALFIE BASS) was the boot boy (wonder how long it took to come up with that idea) while Claude Snudge (BILL FRASER) polished his airs (pronounced "hairs") and graces as the head butler. Club owner, Hesketh Pendleton, was CLIVE DUNN essaying a blueprint GRANDDAD. Took and Feldman did the scripts. Bonkers 1970s revival had Bootsie winning the pools and Snudge working for, erm, the pools company.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...DIVIDEND FORECAST: LOW TO BOLLOCKS
APPALLING COSTUME crappery detailing six-in-a-bed familial romps of 16th century pope Rodrigo Bogia (the pronunciatorially challenged ADOLFO CELI) and his shag'n'slash happy extended clan of incestuous running dogs. ANNE LOUISE LAMBERT (Lucretia) and OLIVER COTTON (Cesare) were among those who "got nipples together".
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."BY THE BONES OF CHRIST!"
BOSS CAT
(1962-63)
HANNA-BARBERA
"PROVIDING IT'S WITH DIGNITY." That's that sorted. Let neither the 64kbps quality sound nor the oddly scratchy titles with big name change slide cutting off the end of the opening dim the allure of this SILVERS-inspired raw fish-munching alley cat and assorted low life friends, who displayed a lot less intelligence than the title song gave them credit, constantly attempting to outwit Officer Dibble, who was rather sanguine about it all considering. Never really shone in Yogi's Treasure Hunt, though.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...IT WAS BECAUSE THERE WAS ALREADY A CAT FOOD WITH THAT NAME OVER HERE
SMALL SCREEN DEBUT for Dr David B, trying to do for the plant kingdom what fellow David Attenborough's LIFE ON EARTH did for beasts that creepeth. Not bad for a first effort, with earnest fact business nicely complemented by the good doctor's willingness to get knee-deep in swamps. Sadly the novelty would soon wear off: see above.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WHY DON'T YOU DO A BIT OF WUMMAGING AWOUND IN YOUR UNDERGWOWTH?" ER...
OH DEAR GOD. Fucking awful dairy-com with cheeky-arsed twat ROBIN ASKWITH as a milkman with only one thing on his mind. The answer not being to deliver a quality comedy show. Usual LWT cliche bollocks on display (token Scotsman, token black, token dopey woman, token punk). One episode involved Robin meeting Mrs T. Remarkably, it made you feel sorry for Thatcher.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WHO CARES IF IT'S RAINING? WHO CARES IF IT'S DARK?" US.
BA-BA BA-BA, ba-ba ba-ba, baa, The Bottom Line! went the close harmonies theme tune to this short-lived ITV answer to WATCHDOG of a Thursday evening. Bizarre line-up of ill-cast DANNY BAKER, EMMA FREUD, JANICE LONG and moustachioed GMTV fall-guy MICHAEL WILSON came on and stood in a line, before engaging in 25 minutes of ultra-pointless consumer-related tat. Now rated by the Bake as the most embarrassing moment in a career full of ill-judged vehicles, mainly due to his inability to care about greedy couples from Essex who'd lost their life savings because they thought they were going to get a free lawnmower.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SAFELY CONFINED TO THE METROPOLIS. MUCH LIKE DANNY'S PRESENT-DAY CAREER.
THE BOUNDER
(1982-83)
YORKSHIRE
A MID-MINDER GEORGE COLE (playing, as ever, a shifty shyster) struggles to outwit his caddish titular brother-in-law PETER BOWLES (playing, as ever, Peter Bowles). Upper-crust uppercuts ensue.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FOPPISH
BOUQUET OF BARBED WIRE
(1976)
LWT
YIKES! HUSBAND (FRANK FINLAY) falls for daughter (SUSAN PENHALIGON) while wife (SHEILA ALLEN) is busy bedding son-in-law (JAMES AUBREY). All manner of kinkiness in caravans followed, lapped up by a nation of Sunday night stickybeak curtain-twitchers. Airy theme tune sounded like it belonged in a porn film. Minuscule number of shabby-looking sets and cast's penchant for lugubrious stares into the middle distance didn't matter when at the hands and feet (and everything in between) of such estimable faces. You couldn't help but tune in, because you thought everybody else was.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ANOTHER BOUQUET, CALLED - BORINGLY - ANOTHER BOUQUET, WAS - PREDICTABLY - ANOTHER HIT THE YEAR AFTER
EMLYN HUGHES graduates from A QUESTION OF SPORT in order to host would-be cerebral early afternoon effort utilising BBC Micro graphics with 3D marbles in boxes. Except Emlyn just presents it, while the questions are asked by some pre-Vorderman professor-type woman. Amount of enjoyment equalled by amount of viewers.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CHIRPY
THE BOX OF DELIGHTS
(1984)
BBC
"HAVE YOU HAD YOUR POSSET, KAY?" Archetypal Edwardian "moral" fantasy for kids by John Masefield gets archetypal "big" budget BBC treatment with varying results. It's Christmas in posh Edwardian England and, in that perpetual snowy Edwardian wonderland, a posh Edwardian boy is given an Edwardian box by visiting Edwardian hobo Cole Hawkins (played by DR WHO) which, when opens, transports him into a Lion, Witch and Wardrobe rip-off "magical" Edwardian fantasy land. Quantel Paintbox palaver then follows, including deer-deforming Herne the Hunter, a bird thing, and much flying about in sewers. Effects variable at the time, but the intervening years have smoothed all that out - they now look uniformly shite. Baddie got killed by a sack of flour.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...LOVELY THEME TUNE, THOUGH
THE BOY DOMINIC
(1974)
YORKSHIRE
19TH CENTURY-BASED "family serial" charting efforts of 12-year-old brat trying to find his shipwrecked father. RICHARD TODD starred.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CO-FEATURING MANY A SWEEPING YORKSHIRE SAND DUNED COASTLINE
THE BOY IN THE PLASTIC BUBBLE
(1976)
TOP LOOPY clam worshipper JOHN "WELCOME BACK, KOTTER" TRAVOLTA led this adolescence-while-allergic-to-everything "true life" TV movie. Buzz Aldrin's in there somewhere, too.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FELL IN LOVE WITH SOME SINGER WOMAN, THEY RUBBED THEIR GENITALS A LOT, THEN HE BROKE OUT AND DIED, BUT WITH THE WOMAN HE LOVED (OR RATHER, FANCIED A BIT)...COME TO THINK OF IT, IT PROBABLY WASN'T A TRUE STORY AT ALL.
THE BOY WHO WON THE POOLS
(1983)
TVS
ABOVE AVERAGE teencom that ended up buried in the Sunday afternoon "from the regions" slot as warmup to BULLSEYE. Titular hero 17-year-old Rodney Baverstock wins 758,000 pounds and 27 pence thanks to aunt's coupon cunning. Resultant riches lead to red Ferrari, a tiger, a giant mansion and bankrolling soul singer mate Sami Tate's recording career, plus crowd of hangers-on included Swedish chauffeur (and naturist) Claudia, Rastafarian gardner Leroy, long-suffering (aren't they always?) girlfriend Liz and best mate Thornton (who thought he was a robot). Nice one.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THEME SONG WENT "THIS IS THE STORY OF THE BOY WHO WON THE POOLS" JUST TO CLEAR UP ANY AMBIGUITY LEFT BY THE TITLE
BOYS FROM THE BLACKSTUFF
(1982)
BBC
"SHAKE 'ANDS!" "Why don't yer fight back?" Geese being shot. Graeme Souness. "I could do that!" Pissed vicars. Walking into a pond. "I can't believe there's no hope!" Pushing a wheelchair round the place where Richard and Judy's weather map would be.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."I'M DESPERATE!" "CALL ME DAN" "I'M DESPERATE, DAN!"
THOMAS PYNCHON'S all-time fave TV show was the story of a lovely lady (FLORENCE HENDERSON) with three daughters who married a bloke (ROBERT REED) who ju-hu-hust happened to have - yep, three sons, begorrah. Imagine what kind of kooky, squeaky, wacky but never unpleasant goings-on must've ensued! You can't? Fear not, for here come spin-offs THE BRADY KIDS (they're a cartoon!), THE BRADY BUNCH VARIETY HOUR (they can sing!), THE BRADY BUNCH BRIDES (they get married!), A VERY BRADY CHRISTMAS (they decorate a tree!) and THE REAL LIVE BRADY BUNCH (they go on tour!)
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FACES-IN-BOXES TITLES SUBCONSCIOUS CULTURAL TOUCHSTONE FOR AMERICANS
PRIMITIVE TECHNOLOGY-BASED schoolkids quiz, hosted by JOHN CRAVEN, whose computer acronym was BERYL.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SO, BRAIN...ENCRYPTED...REGISTER...ER...
LATE ERA CUDDLY KEN odd effort wherein our Maurice played anchor for techie/gadget-based quizzing. Sat in the TOMORROW'S WORLD slot when Judith and co were on holiday.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...LOSERS GOT EVAPORATED WHILE KEN FIDDLED WITH HIS PLASMA BALL
RIDDLE-ME-REE: IT'S made in the 1960s, it's an American drama, it goes on for about 200 episodes... Why, it must be the Wild West again! Yup sirree. This time we're in the company of US army captain Jason McCord (CHUCK CONNORS), unjustly booted out for cowardice and who proceeds to wander about for ages with nothing but a torn, dirty uniform and half a sword to show for years of selfless devotion to Uncle Sam. The bastards. Opening sequence was class: McCord stands in a fort while the drums roll having his buttons, stripes and epaulettes ripped off by a grim-faced general who then breaks our hero's sword over his knee. Daft thing to do with a sharp blade. Then he's thrown out on his ear, rapidly followed by the aforementioned sword-half and much muttering of "never darken our doors..." etc. Meanwhile, a solemn voice (not Waylon Jennings, but almost) sings: "All but one man died/There at Bitter Creek/And they say he ran away/Branded, marked with the coward's chain/What do you do when you're branded?/Well you fight for your name/Branded, scorned is the one who ran/What do you when you're branded?/And you know you're a man." Trouble was, he didn't actually run anywhere. He was knocked out by the Indians who thought he was dead, then spent some time being, er, a map-maker.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ENDED WITH NOBODY, INCLUDING THE VIEWER, ANY THE WISER
TOP RANK DEMENTED Lancashire-set era-spanning lampoon-sitcom charting 1930s feud between rich buggers the Hardacres (prop. the mill, the crutch factory and the munitions plant) and soft soaks the Fairchilds (prop. fuck all, aside from a few trade union banners). TIMOTHY "SILLLLLENNCE!" WEST was evil blaggard Bradley Hardacre, BARBARA "COUNTRY MATTERS" EWING was Agnes Fairchild, his intermittent sex-toy and custodian of Keir Hardie's cap, who in turn was betrohed to one-footed cab driver Don Brennan from CORONATION STREET, who was continually in hospital from being used to test new explosives. Tons of gags, tons of dirt, tons of knowing names (brothers called Austin and Morris, Job Lott, Lord Mountfast, Sergeant Pepper).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...HAVE A WORD!
UBER-GLOSSY POSH BOLLOCKS trotted out on Sunday nights in the wake (literally) of HOWARD'S WAY. Absolute impenetable storyline involved MARK "TRAINER" GREENSTREET playing two identical brothers, one with moustache and one without, trying to swindle, er, each other out of an inheritance. At least that's how it seemed. Missing family members and skulls at the bottom of cliffs didn't help.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NOR DID A CRAPPY SYNTH WAH-WAH THEME
HUXLEY GOES disco for this naffo US remake which is more Stud than soma. KIER "DAISY, DAISY" DULLEA and BUD "BREWSTER MCCLOUD" CORT did the Alpha Delta bit.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...GET HIP TO THE SAVAGE BEAT, MAN
THUNDEROUSLY WORTHLESS Scouse shitecom featuring the wacky world of the Boswells, Britain's most contrived family. Off the back of post-Yosser Liverpool national feeding frenzy, it was the toast of the nation for about 20 minutes in 1986. Lazy as fuck, every episode revolved around catchphrases and one-dimensional characters. Cue Ma Boswell (JEAN BOHT) - she said "That tart!" and "Hello, yes?"; 'R' Joey Boswell (PETER HOWITT) - "Greetings!"; Adrian Boswell (JONATHAN MORRIS) - "'Angin' by a thread! 'Angin' by a thread!"; Grandad Boswell (KENNETH WALLER) - "Where's me tea?" and "Piss off!"; Jack Boswell (VICTOR McGUIRE), who turned the slightly-edgy third string sitcom character into an art; Little Billy (NICK CONWAY), perpetually kicked out of the house he shared with his girlfriend over the road, 'R' Aveline (at first played by GILLY COMAN before regenerating into MELANIE "SEAN BEAN" HILL, same as 'R' Joey); and Freddie Boswell (RONALD FORFAR), who always went "Blah blah, Nellie Boswell". Oh, and Li-Lo Lil. Could well have been the nadir of television. Went on for bloody years. Was not a fair representation of life in Liverpool - people are usually funnier. List of cast's subsequent jobs features "directing Hollywood movies", amazingly. Carla Lane, fuck off.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THAT THEME, AS SUNG ATROCIOUSLY BY THE CAST: "GOTTA GET UP, GOTTA GET OUT/GRAB THE WORLD BY THE THROAT AND SHOUT (OOO-WEE-WOOO)/BUY IT/SELL IT/THE GAME'S GETTIN' 'ARD/BUT SOMEONE'S DEALING YOU A LOSING CARD"...OH, WE CAN'T BE ARSED.
BREAK IN THE SUN
(1980-81)
BBC
DRAMATISED SERIES BASED on a Bernard Ashley novel. Centered around a ginger girl called Patsy who ran away from an unhappy home in a London tower block (aren't they always?) to sail off on a boat with a group of actors. Whole thing witnessed by Roland Browning lookalike friend who colluded with her Dad (BRIAN HALL - Terry the chef in FAWLTY TOWERS) and who tracked her down to Margate and ultimately to closing encounter at the top of a rollercoaster.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ENIGMATIC
IT'S WEDNESDAY. IT'S TEN PAST FIVE. It's time for another boring kid's drama on BBC1. After figuring out for yourself that it's tennis-based, note that it pitted one working class oik whose dad though tennis was for poofs against one upper class minx whose parents think tennis was for Americans. Subsequent clay court chicanery educated both about tennis and, hey, themselves. STEPHEN YARDLEY played the shouty father.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...RAIN DIDN'T STOP PLAY, SADLY
EARLY HANDIWORK of RUSSELL "CREATED DR WHO" T DAVIES when he was still schlepping away in BBC Manchester. Broadcast at 8 o'clock on Saturday mornings when only the most avid telly kids were up. Six different sections in all, the first being The Kitchen Crew with the puppets, who would link the others, which were, firstly, Cheapo TV: unfunny TV parodies filmed in a park in Salford (although one of GENTLE BEN was quite good), then Single Tales: basically JACKANORY. You may remember Billy Butler telling stories on CHUCKLEVISION about families in Liverpool, and this was more or less the same thing. Zounds: terrible drama school style surrealism (Woman walks past - 'I AM ANGRY!' Other woman - 'I am sad!' Crap like that). Runners: some sci-fi thing. You read comics while this was on. NiceChap: another drama thing. This was clearly so expensive to make for such a bad slot it didn't come back. Replaced, as ever, by EGGS'N'BAKER. Cast: four people who have never worked again. Names, let it be known, were Caroline Berry, William Petrie, Lucy Jenkins and Jon Biggins.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WHAT, NO TOKEN GAY CHARACTER?
.JPG)
"IT'S 6.30AM, Monday 17 January 1983," proclaimed the nation's favourite uncle from within a cosy pullover and fetching slacks, "you're watching the very first edition of BBC Television's BREAKFAST TIME, Britain's first ever regular early morning television programme. A very good morning to you all!" So began easy-on-the-ear (FRANK BOUGH's chocolate tones), easy-on-the-eye (SELINA SCOTT's dresses) small screen side-order to your tea and toast par excellence. Every day Frank and Selina would materialise from within plush red leather sofas, wicker tables and steaming pots of coffee to pretty much set in stone what UK breakfast telly would be like now and forever. And it was ace. Helping to clear the plates were NICK ROSS (third banana, serious features, something for the young mums); FRANCIS WILSON (weather window, knitted jumpers, something for the older ladies); GLYNN CHRISTIAN (cooking, related to that bloke off Mutiny On The Bounty); RUSSELL GRANT (horoscopes, more knitted jumpers, twat); DEBBIE RIX (read the news); the GREEN GODDESS (aka Diana Moran, leading commuters at London railway stations through fitness regimes at 6.45am); DAVID ICKE (sport, still more knitted jumpers); LYNN FAULDS WOOD (explaning why plates broke when you dropped them) MIKE SMITH (pop news for ver kids); and later DEBBIE GREENWOOD (former Miss Great Britain, Selina's replacement) and GUY MICHELMORE (Cliff's son, action man, holiday stand-in). Pissed all over TV-am from a great height (until GREG DYKE showed up). Went to France for the 40th anniversary of D-Day in "let's get serious now" mode. Went round the country's seaside resorts in "let's rip off Greg Dyke" mode. Some bad personnel decisions (i.e. STEVE BLACKNELL becoming full-time entertainment correspondent). Some great personnel decisions (i.e. BOB WILSON taking over from Icke). Then - oh no! Half-arsed full-scale revamp in 1986 ruined everything, with the couches ditched for desks and everyone put into suits. Plus JEREMY PAXMAN joined. Previous format now deemed "too silly" for a country self-evidently desperate for hard news and nothing but over egg soldiers. Frank looked unhappy. Likes of JOHN STAPLETON, KIRSTY WARK and JILL DANDO shipped in. Frank quit. Axe fell when whole show mutated into BBC BREAKFAST NEWS in 1989. Everyone kept calling it Breakfast Time, though.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SPINNING LOGO AND CHIMING THEME TUNE = BEST BREAKFAST SHOW EVER
BRENDON CHASE
(1980-81)
SOUTHERN
YOU CAN SPOT AN ITV kids drama a mile off. Here we have three 1920s brothers who run away from home because their spinster aunt was a cow and decide to live in a forest (called, coincidentally for whoever dreamed up the programme title, Brendon Chase). Irresponsible runts then spend the summer living in the wild making clothes from leaves, robbing picnics and wrestling bears. LIZA GODDARD was local journalist and, for some reason, a trainee pilot. CHRISTOHER BIGGINS played a vicar playing Christopher Biggins.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THEME BY PROFESSIONAL NOSE FLUTE FLAUNTER JAMES GALWAY
ALPHABETIZED MISCELLANY with BRIAN CANT as absent-minded owner of a junk shop. Typical demented anecdotes improvised around Brian's attempts to put all the shite beginning with a certain letter in the same area of the shop.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WINDOW, WHISTLE, WOGGLE - THEY ALL BEGIN WITH THE SOUND 'WUH!'"
BRIDESHEAD REVISITED
(1981)
GRANADA
POSH TOFFS of the 1920s fancy themselves, then fancy a teddy bear, then fancy a bit, then fancy each other, then don't, then fancy roughing up the Germans, then fancy themselves again. All in the sumptuous sprawling grounds of Castle Howard, Yorkshire, erstwhile domain of the kimono-wearing gigolo-procuring then-BBC Chairman George Howard. JEREMY IRONS and ANTHONY ANDREWS were the nobs, and indeed knobs, gavorting "gaily" around LAURENCE OLIVIER, JOHN GIELGUD, DIANA QUICK, CLAIRE BLOOM, SIMON JONES, STEPHEN MOORE, KENNETH CRANHAM and Compo. Cost a fortune but was so well received it meant ITV didn't have to make another glossy period drama ever. Apart from THE JEWEL IN THE CROWN.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...DUNNO WHY IT WAS "REVISITED" EITHER; WHEN WAS IT FIRST "VISITED"?
BRIGHT'S BOFFINS
(1970-72)
SOUTHERN
BAFFLING BONKERS SHAMBLES of a kids sitcom wherein RAF stereotype Professor Bright, with stick-on handlebar moustache, commands a secret laboratory of eccentric scientists and their hopeless inventions in an abandoned railway station. Mike Baldwin turned up, and one character was called Berk.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CO-WRITTEN BY DENIS "MY PAL BOB" GOODWIN
BROOKSIDE
(1982-90, FOR OUR PURPOSES)
MERSEY TV
.JPG)
RIGHT, FORGET ALL THE BOLLOCKS post-1990. What we're talking is the classic period of Sheila, Bobby, Damon, Karen and before Barry Grant became a master criminal. In other words, when uber-scribe JIMMY McGOVERN cut his teeth. Influence of Phil Redmond's other pet project, GRANGE HILL, self-evident in sweary realism. Mobile camera technology and the use of actual, genuine houses on a Liverpool cul-de-sac was a snip at £2 million. First soap to have an omnibus - on Saturday teatime, thus ideal for post-football results entertainment while having your tea. We're all familiar with the twice-weekly Scouseathon itself, so let's just cherry-pick the gems. Harry Cross and Ralph. "FREE GEORGE JACKSON" painted in the windows of that giant tower in Liverpool city centre. PICTURE BOX supremo ALAN ROTHWELL hanging around AMANDA BURTON and getting addicted to heroin. Sheila dealing with the aftermath of rape. Billy Corkhill duffing up daughter Tracy's teacher. Rod The Plod. Token upper class characters Paul and Annabel Gordon, with son "Gay" Gordon. Damon getting stiffed on the YTS, running off with Debbie into his own spin-off and getting stabbed by a canal for no reason. Absolutely fucking dreadful fucking decline from early 90s onwards one of the saddest falls from grace in TV history.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...DESERVEDLY AXED IN 2003. AT LEAST 10 YEARS TOO LATE, MIND
BOG STANDARD three-misfit-brothers-com, but one of them was gay! Wow! Quite a big deal in the US, though, where such things were deemed "wrong". Sadly, in all the "controversy", humour was left far behind.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...STUPID "BROTHERLY LOVE" THEME SONG SUNG BY THE CAST WHO THEN WENT "YEAH! WOAH! WOO!"
THE BROTHERS MACGREGOR
(1985-88)
GRANADA
ABSOLUTE POLAR opposite of BREAD, i.e. how to do a Scousecom that's actually funny. Titular siblings are caucasian Cyril (PHILIP "CATO" WHITCHURCH) and half-caste Wesley (PAUL "I HAVE NOT GOT A DISEASE!" BARBER) who have the same mother and run decrepit car dealership Rathbone Motors. Cyril earns extra pennies through being the world's worst club singer; Wesley tries to make extra cash through scams and deals which always fail. 'Mam' was the sublime JEAN HEYWOOD, whose fantasist monologues of Prince Philip once being her bus conductor/postman/Rington's delivery man were often the highlight. JACKIE DOWNEY played Cyril's punkette bird Glenys, whom he refused to marry even though they'd been engaged for six years. "It's too long, Cyril!" Great fun at times, with a nice rapport between Whitchurch and Barber which should have been given more time to develop. Slow woodwind theme over credits of the two shoving a knackered Cortina into the yard. Characters - though different actors - first showed up in an episode of CORONATION STREET featuring Eddie Yeats's engagement party in 1982.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...IF ONLY CARLA "EVERYONE HATES ME" LANE HAD BEEN WATCHING
PREPOSTEROUS SHOUTY TRUCKING SAGA which barrelled through the dark days of the mid-70s keeping at least Clive James amused. Eponymous trio of relations ran a long haul firm while a domineering mother, JEAN ANDERSON, ran them. Cardboard offices. Characters disappearing into mental homes to be replaced. Brown and orange wallpaper. Waterbeds. DR WHO was in it.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CO-STARRING KATE O'MARA, PLAYING HERSELF
BRUCE FORSYTH'S BIG NIGHT
(1978)
LWT
.JPG)
OVER TO MICHAEL PALIN for a bit of context here...
"Thursday, June 29th 1978
...Drive through the rain to TV Centre. Terry Hughes disappears, and some time later, when we've finally got the BBC video machine to work (this takes four or five people, secretaries, window cleaners etc.), Terry emerges from Jimmy Gilbert's office and, in an urgent whispered aside, tells us that Bruce Forsyth has just signed for ITV, and that Jimmy is in a state of utter confusion and trying to write a press release."
Yup, as part of the great Beeb exodus of 1978, Brucie followed Morecambe and Wise to ITV, leaving behind the conveyor belt and the old scoreboard to helm this massive fuck-off Saturday night varietyfest which promptly collapsed faster than a tier of Pink Floyd audience seating. Amidst the wreckage were Cannon and Ball in what was supposed to be their first major television gig, but they kept being bumped from the line-up until, presumably, the producers were convinced they'd thought up more than two gags. The operative word in this programme was 'big', and as such each edition was 90 minutes long. Brucie acted as a glorified continuity announcer, promising Saturday night entertainment like we'd never seen before...which turned out to be - gasp! - comedy (a revival of The Worker with Charlie Drake and a TV adaption of the Glums with Jimmy Edwards and Ian Lavender, neither of which anyone under 40 was arsed about). And then there were - yikes! - fun (the Pyramid Game with Steve Jones and Sofa Soccer, later revived on Noel's House Party, introduced by Anthea Redfearn). Plus there was - wow! - music (Sammy Davis Junior and the UK Disco Dancing Championships). Finally there was - erk! - mayhem (regular guests Pam Ayres and Rod Hull and Emu). Inevitably after a few weeks the entire population of Britain had decided to stick the now Larry-helmed GENERATION GAME, and Brucie started using each show to moan about how people had "expected glitter to come out of the set" and take up 15 minutes hoofing time to berate people for not watching. Soon shunted to 6pm wilderness, axed after one series and Bruce was handed his cards. Do you see what we did there?
So how did TV Times trumpet the arrival of this televisual landmark? Why, with a WORLD OF SPORT-style "see panel" sidebar all of its own, and a hastily-scribbled invitation to view, penned by some poor hack "in the style of Bruce", of course...
"Saturday - that's the day I want you to keep free in future. What do you mean, you do already, for shows like World of Sport? You can still watch that, my loves, and all your other favourites. I'm talking about Saturday evening at 7.25, and the show I've called - modestly - Bruce Forsyth's Big Night. We're aiming to make it the fastest moving, most fun-filled package on television. You're going to meet international stars, such as Sammy Davis Jr and Dolly Parton. Then I'm inviting Charlie Drake along every week to repeat his success in The Worker. We're also recreating The Glums, and the days of wireless - radio, to you. And we've the comedy duo Cannon and Ball. What's that? They'll go with a bang? Let's get it straight - I do the gags, you join in with the games, OK? We've a number of those, including Teletennis and The 1000 Pound Pyramid, and Anthea is going to help me with them. Also appearing will be the poetess Pam Ayres, and Rod Hull and Emu. And as it's a family show, we're inviting the kids to Beat the Goalie, and to play the main roles in Doctors and Nurses, with stars as patients. As you can see, you're going to do well, every Saturday night...no, dear, it's not Saturday Night Fever. No, I'm not John Travolta. It's Bruce Forsyth's Big Night. And it's going to be nice to see you, to see you nice!"
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ABSOLUTELY SUBLIME OPENING NUMBER, 'LET'S GET THE NETWORK TOGETHER', ERRONEOUSLY REFERRED TO ITV AS "THE CHANNEL YOU GET FOR FREE"
AMIABLE ENOUGH series that despite its relative longevity and introduction of soap-opera style ongoing storyline never quite managed to break through to the comedy premier league. Which is a shame really as we would have loved to have seen Roland Rivron present a half-arsed programme extolling its virtues as part of that BBC "Best Comedy Ever" thing from a few years ago. Loveable proto-Flash squirting KARL HOWMAN played unlucky-in-love-cheeky-chap Jacko. Each episode would focus on his latest benign flirtation with some posh bird who'd hired him to come and paint her back room. Jacko's first real love interest came in the shape of KIM "PRETENDING TO WORK SOMETHING OUT ON A BLACKBOARD WITH JOHN CORNELIUS BUT IS PATENTLY JUST CHALKING A LOAD OF BOLLOCKS" THOMPSON's Lesley. Although Thompson only played the role for one series, she is still better remembered in the part than ERIKA "WHO?" HOFFMAN who took on would-be-upper-class-totty for the show's four remaining series. However in the main the supporting cast were brilliant; there was official sidekick Eric (played by MIKE WALLING with just the right blend of permed hair pomposity), ELIZABETH COUNSELL as the possibly-still-up-for-it-and-not-all-that-dissimilar-from-Marlene-in-ONLY-FOOLS-AND-HORSES Veronica and of course the colossus of all angry baldy blokes that is GARY WALDHORN as Jacko's long suffering boss Lionel (sadly written out at the end of series three). Special mention must be reserved for the incomparable HOWARD LEW LEWIS, whose turn as idiot barman Elmo formed the template for idiot second string comedy characters that has since been used by the likes of VICTOR MCGUIRE and DAVE ATKINS. Over its five series, BRUSH STOKES grew increasingly maudlin, perhaps in part due to the loss of the comic friction between Jacko and Lionel. Still the end title sequence with Jacko finishing off that last bit of wall was always quietly satisfying, helped in part by one of the most melodic and uplifting sitcom theme tunes of all time, courtesy of DEXY'S MIDNIGHT RUNNERS.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...YOU LOVE NATURE, DON'T YOU?
BUBBLEGUM BRIGADE
(1989)
HTV WEST
ODDIE ALERT! The blathersome Bill, clearly with a few leftover FROM THE TOP scripts kicking about, cobbled together this "kids - they're crazy!" effort starring himself as a, ahem, 'Do-Gooder', joining forces with four kids, one of whom was IAN "DA BUNGALOW" KIRKBY, to form the titular ensemble.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...MOTTO WAS 'BROKEN HEARTS MENDED WHILE YOU WAIT'
BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25TH CENTURY
(1980-82)
WOULD IT SURPRISE YOU GREATLY TO BE TOLD...MR. GLEN A LARSON?
ERSTHWHILE LINE DRAWING and spaceman (GIL "NOT MUCH OF A SUBSEQUENT CAREER" GERARD) "hurled into a future time" (cue rattling year display and plastic future cityscape) has to contend with PAMELA "ARDALA" HENSLEY, stupid robot TWIKI (MEL BLANC) with that face-medallion Dr Theopolis thing roung his neck, and other spare part stuffery. ERIN GRAY donned spandex drainpipes and remained frosty throughout. "Star" guests included little GARY COLEMAN as a boy genius perpetually trying to pull Wilma "Flintsone" Deering. Second series went all STAR TREK by adding baddie-turned-goodie HAWK and WILFRED HYDE-WHITE as a becardiganed old doddery genius in an exploratory spaceship, seemingly staffed solely by a robot fashioned from street lamps and vaccuum cleaner parts.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...PURE LARSONY
WHAT DO you want if you don't want money? Channel Five-hating ADAM FAITH successfully reinvents himself courtesy of Keith Waterhouse/Willis Hall-penned titular cockney spiv. IAN CUTHBERTSON co-stars as "mentor" Charlie Endell. Each episode begins with Adam chasing fivers spelling out title, but they keep blowing away. Moral of show thereby writ large.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ONE CHARACTER CALLED LAUGHING SPAM FRITTER
BULLSEYE
(1981-95)
ATV/CENTRAL
DESPITE LATTERDAY APPROPRIATION BY lazy stand-ups, this is still a sleeping giant as far as fondly-remembered classics go. To wit:
1) Funky opening Chas 'n' Dave/pub rock paean and three types of title sequences down the years, each featuring show icon BULLY in cartoon form (dressed in classical red-striped darts shirt):
a) Early years depicted The Bull pub sign with Bully incorporated into it. Suddenly static Bully moves, taking a quick glance to the right to check no-one's looking before jumping out of sign and landing on ground with loud tympanum noise. Bully makes way into The Bull, with 'Darts Contest' banner over door, then proceeds straight to oche, throwing one dart and landing bullseye. Cartoon busty barmaid serves pints in background. Customers not fazed by presence of huge bull playing darts.
b) Second and most memorable sequence (used from around 1986-92) showed Bully leaving The Bull apparently after said darts match and hopping into cartoon coach, giving lift to six stereotypical fat darts players who all sat on the back row and gave a genial thumbs-up to the camera. Action turned sinister, however, as coach suddenly inherited flying ability and entered bizarre world of darts iconography, with giant metal-wire darts numbers and dartboards spinning past the windows. Human darts players pointed and looked worried. Rush of the blood to the bovine head caused Bully to press "ejector seat" button on dashboard and launch himself clear of the coach, thankfully grabbing onto the flight of a massive dart and presumably sending the six players and bus plunging to their deaths. Bully ended up flying directly into camera, and screen exploded in shower of dartboard sector dividers.
c) Show underwent radical repositioning in 1993: final and most laughable sequence changed tack completely but seemed to continue story laid out in previous two incarnations, with Bully apparently gaining unauthorised access to Bullseye studio. Mad Roger Rabbit-style adventures commenced with Bully excitedly bounding down the studio steps, sending adjacent audience members flying. Other shots included Bully giving show compere JIM BOWEN a big kiss (cue wavy-line face from Bowen), and Bully seemingly losing it and hanging on to the Giant Rotating Dartboard Structure (of which more later) whilst it spins really fast. Bully's breakdown completed by a big leap-frog across the studio, causing Bowen to dive for cover.
2) Show gets under way. Early years saw studio adopt standard game show layout of audience out of shot behind camera and BULLSEYE logo hanging on back drape. Aforementioned compere Bowen emerges from underneath another standard device of rising vertical partition, sporting dartboard sector design. Later series saw studio topography reversed with audience in full view along back of studio, and Bowen appearing to rapturous applause from top of flight of steps (the ones Bully pegged it down during his "episode"). Here Bowen would stand mid-flight and deliver some tired opening gambit, usually revolving around a clearly made-up viewer's letter. Also in later years Bowen would at this point introduce darts-shouter and nominal scorer TONY GREEN, normally involved in hackneyed sketch to much derision from audience, for some reason.
3) Quick burst of theme music then onto the contestants, three teams of two people - one darts player (standing up) and one non-darts player (sitting down). Chat to punters, ask about anecdote. Bowen: "Super, smashing, great." (though he insists he never said this).
4) At last the first round: CATEGORY BOARD. Non-darts players (or NDPs) take up positions at satisfying circular desks, darts players (or DPs) occupy stools along the back. Bowen moves over to show's central device, the Giant Rotating Dartboard Structure, first showing aforementioned category board. Clockwise from the top: Faces, Places, Sport, Showbiz, Affairs, History, Books, Words, Britain, Spelling. Other series featured Food, General Knowledge, and Bible (amazingly). Each of the ten sectors was further divided into sections denoting various amounts of cash, ranging from large £30 sectors round the outside to tiny £100 sectors near the middle, and the famous £200 "wildcard" bullseye marking the centre. NDP nominates category, DP aims one dart at chosen topic. "Questions get more difficult" as Bowen warns us - first is worth £30, then £50, then £100. Get the dart in chosen category, and money equivalent to value of sector is banked. If incorrect category hit, get asked a question on that subject "but there's no bonus". Category light goes out once question is asked. Category cannot be used twice - "The ones that are lit are the ones you can hit". Green stands by board and verifies categories. If unlit category is hit, throw is illegal - "No, that's in Places, and the category's gone". Play continues to next team in that instance. Bonus light available for attempting someone else's question, if they got it wrong. Out of time signalled by cartoon Bully appearing in corner of screen and mooing (little puffs of steam shoot out of his nose). Spelling answer confirmed by cartoon Bully walking along bottom of screen with dictionary, leaving trail of letters behind (word "dictionary" written on back of book, for some reason). Bowen's questions stored in large rotating dartboard/table thing. Round ends after each team gets three goes. In earlier series at this point, say goodbye to trailing team, and hand out prizes - money acquired, set of Bullseye-branded darts and the famous BENDY BULLY. In later series, they just carried on with all three teams.
5) Second round: IT'S POUNDS FOR POINTS. Rotating Structure turns to reveal regulation-type dartboard. Just get as many points as you can in three darts. Team with best score gets to answer £100-difficulty question, if correct they win DP's total in quids. Bonus light available again here for chance to win team-mate's total. Do this three times. Team with most goes through to final (first round scores carried over). DPs hardly ever got 180 - 41 was more common score. Each sub-round accompanied by wonderful musical pieces - standard theme tune, odd "middle-eight" part then variation of theme. After the three goes, say goodbye to losing team or teams. Hand out prizes as above, along with extra Bullseye silver tankard (silver goblet for lady contestants), and the money they won - Bowen either takes wad of cash from jacket pocket and starts to count it out ("Ten, twenty, thirty...see you after the break...forty, fifty..."), or promises that "it'll take two minutes to count this out, see you after the break."
6) Classic era (1981-92): Cartoon Bully plays darts and writes 'End Of Part One' on darts blackboard. Post-Year Zero (1993-5): Bully takes ride on Giant Rotating Dartboard Structure as it spins really fast again, accompanied by the not-so-catchphrase: "Back in a couple of throws!".
7) Adverts.
8) Classic era: Cartoon Bully writes 'Part Two'. Post-jumping the shark: GRDS spins round again.
9) Bizarre sub-section of show: TURN OF THE PROFESSIONAL. Bring on proper darts player (eg ERIC BRISTOW, KEITH DELLAR, CLIFF LAZARENKO, LEIGHTON REES) and ask them to throw nine darts. If they score under 301, pounds equivalent to total score given to charity of remaining contestants' choice. If more than 301 achieved, double prize for charity. Incorporated fairly unnecessary leaderboard structure for prize of actual foot-tall Bronze Bully. Leader at series' end retained Bronze Bully until next season. Ask guest about recent tournaments, provide banter, etc.
10) Final round: BULLY'S PRIZE BOARD. Rotating Structure changes again to special nine-prize, 17-sector board. Aim is simple: "Keep out of the black, in the red, nothing in this game for two in a bed". Red sectors contained prizes, black contained nothing. Cartoon Bully appears from centre of cartoon prize board, and points at each number to reveal prize (except he splays out gloved right hand towards number 4). Bowen & Green accompanied, Green shouting: "IIIIIIIIN ONE!" "IIIIIIIIIN TWO!" etc. as Bully pointed, culminating with "AND BULLY'S SPECIAL PRIZE!" (reward for landing the bullseye). Bowen described risible prizes as they went along, usually in form of rhyming couplet (eg "This'll keep you clean...it's a washing machine" or "There'll be laughter and whoops as you go through hoops with this fantastic croquet set"). Most ridiculous prize ever noted: a "Lazy Suzy" (ask your gran). Nine darts available, three for NDP. Thumbs-up from cartoon Bully and quick burst of theme if bullseye was hit.
11) After, Bowen lists all prizes won then offers chance to gamble those ("Your money's safe, the money you won earlier, your darts and your tankards are safe, and the £280 going to the hospice, that's on its way after the show...") for mystery prize, "what's hiding behind Bully" (or vertical partition). Limited time to decide - in fact, only "the time it takes the board to revolve" with scary space-type sound similar to 'Lucky Star' by Madonna in background. If they want to walk away ("Well Jim, we've had a smashing day, and we're happy with what we've got"), wheel on second team and offer them chance to gamble their money (and Bendy Bully, no doubt). If they refuse, bring on third useless team and offer same. Task: get 101 on regulation board with six darts, "three for you, and three for you", NDP first (Point of order: How did they know that the non-darts player was really a non-darts player? Did they use a lie detector or something?). Tense as you like, with dramatic drum-roll overlaid and Green & Bowen urging players to "take your time, there's no rush, take as long as you need". If they win, rush over to 'Bully', lift partition and reveal boat/car/caravan on giant dartboard, wheeled in by Bullseye roadies. Play exciting "party mix" of theme with various whistles, whirls and squeaks added. Bowen bundles winners into prize and insists they try it for size. If they lose, play standard theme quietly and reveal prize anyway ("Let's take a look at what you coulda won"). Sometimes prize was a holiday, necessitating partition to reveal Quantel-swoop of various stills from destination, extensively described by Bowen, with the payoff: "All for the throw of a dart!".
12) It's all over. Bowen's head appears within cartoon dartboard at The Bull, credits roll up darts blackboard as Bowen rounds off at great length - eg "a Vauxhall Nova, beautiful economical little motor car, beautiful little example of one of Bully's star prizes! We did the rooting, you did the shooting! What a night you've had on Bullseye! Watch us next time on Bullseye! Could you do it, at home, with the pressure on? These lads did! See you soon! You can't beat a bit of Bully! Byeee!". Cartoon Bully throws three final darts (scoring 17, two missing the board; must've sunk one too many), then closes doors on dartboard. Central Production logo painted onto outside of dartboard doors.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FIRST SERIES ALSO LOOKED LIKE IT WAS COMING FROM INSIDE JIM'S GARAGE
DON "MAGGIE" HENDERSON pulled on the string gloves, puffed on his inhaler and put down mending old clocks for yet more (THE XYY MAN, STRANGERS) private detectivities. SIOBHAN REDMOND was The Scottish Sidekick.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ALWAYS CARRIED A PLASTIC BAG
A BUNCH OF FIVES
(1977-78)
ATV
WRONGED SCHOOLKID decides to clear his name by writing about it, only evil staffroom bastards won't let him use the existing school rag, so he starts up his own. And that's pretty much it. Title derived from the name of the new magazine, which in turn came from (a) they were fifth formers; (b) there were five of them; (c) it was a smack in the gob for the school (do you see?). Lots of proto-sweary street jive talk. JAMIE FORMAN was Chris Taylor, editor and brains of the operation. Provided storyline for every subsequent GRANGE HILL season from then till eternity.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WE LOVE THE SMELL OF BANDER MACHINES IN THE MORNING
BURKE'S LAW
(1963-66)
FOUR STAR (US)
BEHEMOTH EXPORT from Stateside cataloguing antics of one Amos Burke, mega wealthy boss of LAPD's murder squad, blessed with personal chauffeur driven Rolls Royce and dumb driver Henry (LEON LONTOC). Originally launched as a series for DICK POWELL, who played the titular character as part of his "Dick Powell Theatre Presentations" series, in an adventure imaginatively called "Who Killed Julia Greer?" Part then fell to former Bat Masterson star GENE BARRY (real name Eugene Klass). All of Burke's cases were called "Who Killed..." with the name of that week's unlucky victim tagged on to the end, and all of the cases revolved around the world of high society and millionaires to which Burke somehow fitted into seamlessly. He was assisted by detectives Tim Tilson (GARY CONWAY) and Lester Hart (REGIS TOOMEY), with Sgt Amis (EILEEN O'NEILL) joining later. Burke eventually quit the police force to become an undercover agent as US television tried to cash in on the Bond craze with a series entitled Secret Agent, but returned to the police force in a crappy through-the-motions 1994 revival.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...63 GUEST STARS IN FIRST EIGHT EPISODES ALONE
BUSKER/CLOCK ON
(EARLY 1980s)
BBC1
DOUBLE POST-PLAYBOARD entry for the eternally amusingly-monikered CHRISTOPHER LILLICRAP, who took time off from being Leo Sayer's stunt double to impersonate, first, your typical high street postcard busker (big bass drum operated by left foot, mouthorgan on wire etc.) making with the stories and songs in the time-honoured grisly manner; and second, co-starring alongside several other long-forgotten malcontents in hopeless kiddie comedy songs'n'sketches showcase, with only the animated factory production line big levers and stuff opening titles really sticking in the memory.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...A HANDFUL OF SONGS SUDDENLY DOESN'T SEEM SO BAD AFTER ALL
.JPG)
HARD AS IT IS TO BELIEVE, there was a time when CARLA LANE didn't boast the constitution of a empty crisp bag, and here it is. WENDY CRAIG contemplated cheating on miserable dentist GEOFFREY PALMER with BERNARD MONTAGUE inbetween failing to cook anything successfully, reordering a new set of drapes from Laura Ashley, fretting about animal rights (yup, Carla was at it even back then) and clucking over sons NICHOLAS LYNDHURST and ANDREW HALL. It wasn't BREAD, which automatically wins it 8 million points.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...GEOFFREY PALMER PLAYED HIMSELF, WHICH ADDS ANOTHER TWO MILLION
ULTRA CHEAPO lunchtime fare from the same stable as OSCAR THE RABBIT, only this time they couldn't even be arsed to build a proper set and just used a black cloth instead. Titular Spoon family co-existed in peace and harmony with talking vacuum cleaner, washing-up liquid bottle army and the like. Every episode Mr. Spoon decided to fly his (obviously Heinz-tin derived) rocket to the eponymous satellite ("We're off to Button Moon, we'll follow Mr Spoon!"), then flew it back again ("We've been to Button Moon, we've followed Mr Spoon!"). 'What's through the telescope?' section most memorable.
TV CREAM immortality rating -