B
1/3
Click to find your programme:
BABBLE to BEATRIX POTTER TALES
BEHIND THE BIKE SHEDS to BLUE PETER
BLUE THUNDER to BY THE SWORD DIVIDED
B |
Click to find your programme: |
|
BABBLE
(1983-84)
LWT/CHANNEL 4
HOW TO fill half an hour of early evening Channel 4 telly quickly and cheaply: take two teams of reasonably erudite celebrities (WILLIE RUSHTON, GRAEME GARDEN, GYLES BRANDRETH, CHRISTOPHER BIGGINS, RULA LENSKA, SHIELA STEAFAL, BARRY CRYER, MELVYN BRAGG etc.), some hastily-concocted word games (e.g. names of counties hidden in monologues), and hey presto! Instant employment for PETER PURVES as quizmaster. It couldn't fail...or could it? Much of the badinage seemed to be read off cue cards, which dulled the verbal to-and-fro a tad. Even JOANNA LUMLEY managed to memorise her little bit of spiel on CALL MY BLUFF, for God's sake!
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...PHYLLIS TYNE-AND-WEAR, INDEED
ACE TEATIME CBBC fare documenting the exploits of one Brian Arthur Derek Boyes (B.A.D. BOYES - do you see?) starring STEVEN "NEVER APPEARED ON TELEVISION AGAIN" KEMBER as the eponymous self-styled Best Dodger in the Universe locked in a trial of pithy playground strength with school bully Slogg and other larger-than-life late-80s wideboy weiners. Two series ensued, both A+, largely thanks to script being pitched slightly above average intelligence of people waiting for Neighbours to come on: "I just got accosted by two separate Poppy collectors, but fortunately I was able to fend one off with, 'I disapprove of your symbol because opium comes from poppies. Do your realise that you are promoting drug addiction?' and the other with, 'I lost my grandfather in the War and all our money goes into keeping his grave.'"
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WRITER JIM ELDRIDGE ALSO RESPONSIBLE FOR NEVERENDING RADIO 4 DR WHO-STARRING SCHOOLCOM KING STREET JUNIOR
BAGGY PANTS AND THE NITWITS
(1977)
DEPATIE/FRELENG
ANOTHER OF those cartoon double-bill "sandwiches" that spread like, indeed, nits during the 1970s (see the ALL-NEW POPEYE SHOW). Sauntering up first came wise-cracking moggy Baggy Pants, who re-enacted old Chaplin routines before giving way to the Nitwits, a decrepid crime-fighting duo Gladys and Tyrone, bizarrely based on characters from Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In. Now safely confined to the arse end of nowhere.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FROM THE RINKY-DINK STABLE, UNSURPRISINGLY
13 EPISODES of sepia soft toy sophistry from the mind of cardboard scissor-whiz turned latterday environmental doommonger OLIVER POSTGATE. Desperately slow plots always began the same way - with a desperately slow rundown of precisely what was about to happen, depicted in faded prints of the kind they used as props in NEVER THE TWAIN. A girl, Emily, then appeared dressed as if it were the 1840s, who for some reason "owned" a shop that sold nothing. Everything - here comes the hook - on display in the window was lost property, watched over by the store's resident custodian and "old fat furry catpuss". Said feline - baggy and a bit loose at the seams - was then called upon by Emily in textbook 70s hippy chanting, to "wake up and look at this thing I bring; wake up, be bright, be golden and light!" Bagpuss responded with a huge yawn (securing plus points ad infinitum from bored teenage/student viewers) and the episode proper began. Those shop "assistants" in full: a toad with a banjo (Gabriel - "Oh, look!"); a load of mice on their "marvellous mechanical" mouse-organ; can't-be-arsed rag doll Madeline; and, hero of the hour, woodpecker bookend Professor Yaffle, whose advanced years meant ambling down a pile of books to examine this week's curio was hard going. Yaffle's addled brain would then mistake a pin cushion for an earless elephant, while the mice would turn a doll's house into a mill for making chocolate biscuits out of breadcrumbs and butterbeans, only to be exposed as a fraud. Such hysteria was interspersed with even more desperately slow songs and stories, before the mice did some genuine "fixing" and restored the piece of junk to its former glory, at which point its actual purpose was revealed and everyone went back to sleep. Show's legacy far outweighs actual merits of each episode, but "when I produce Bagpuss at my student lectures, everyone cheers!" insists Oliver, so that's OK.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...HEAVE! HEAVE!
CAPRICIOUS CAPERS from HELEN "LIZZIE DRIPPING" CRESWELL concerning a family of middle class loons with a penchant for weirdness, paranormal events and arson.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FEATURED DANDY NICHOLS AND MADELEINE "EUREKA!" SMITH
BAILEY'S COMETS
(LATE 1970s)
HANNA-BARBERA
MORE OBSCURO-MATION. The only roller derby chase cartoon in history, for which we can all be thankful. Heroes were titular asteroid-monikered mopes. Numerous villains included the Jekyll Hydes, who turned from posh toffs ("Good show, what?") into evil sniggerers the next. Other "teams" were the Yo-Ho-Ho's (pirates, unsurprisingly) and The Really Rottens.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."THINK WACKY RACES...WITH ATTITUDE!" SAID THE H-B BOSSMEN. PROBABLY.
THE BAKER STREET BOYS
(1983)
BBC
ARNIE WIGGINS and a bunch of his urchin mates, soot of cheek and fleet of foot, are taken into the employ of the World's Greatest Detective to run around the streets getting under the feet of posh nabobs ("Blast these tearaway tykes!"), their equally posh but more sympathetic wives ("Have a heart, Geraint, they haven't got any shoes on!"), and London's assorted jay-walkers, fish-hawkers, barrow-merchants and soil-carts. Kids end up solving actual crimes, much to the annoyance of him upstairs (who is never seen, except in shadow) and dopey police who dislike "these sorts of things not being done by the book". Fantastic stuff, replete with convincing Victoriana-murk in spades. Jay Simpson was Arnie, Ian Beale one of his pals, Howard from EVER DECREASING CIRCLES was Lestrade, and confusingly Lestrade from Jeremy Brett's Holmes was Moriarty.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."LESTRADE WOULDN'T KNOW A CLUE IF IT BIT HIS ANKLE FOR HIM!"
BALDMONEY, SNEEZWORT, DODDER AND CLOUDBERRY
(1973)
ITV
RUDIMENTARY ASSEMBLY of dull black and white line drawings detailing life of four garden gnomes. First three try to find the fourth, who has gone missing. They fail. As did the programme vis a vis living up to its title.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...GNOMIC
BALHAM - GATEWAY TO THE SOUTH
(1981)
THE OLD PETER SELLERS monologue about "glorious Bal-ham" is dusted down for late entry in the PLANK, etc. pantheon of Britcom support features. Directed by Michael (i.e. Mickey) Dolenz (METAL MICKEY, LUNA). Made as a spoof travelogue, with great voice-over by David De Keyser. Danny Schiller and Judy Gridley played tourists while ROBBIE COLTRANE turned up in at least 15 other parts. From an original sketch written by Frank Muir and Denis Norden.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."AND IS THERE HONEY STILL FOR TEA?" "HONEY'S OFF, LOVE."
CZECHOSLOVAKIAN CARTOON about a small, bearded scientist who solved various problems in the same, arbitrary fashion (see NOAH AND NELLY) i.e. by pacing up and down, then turning on a big, complicated machine which eventually produced a drop of green liquid which subsequently turned into just the right artefact to do the job! Tidy, at least.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BAL...BALTHAZAR
GEORGE "HANNIBAL" PEPPARD strolls around Boston collecting rewards from insurance companies. On a 10% cut, so bigger the loot, greater his take-home pay. A Mystery Movie strand, but not as popular as the ones that involved actual murders. There's a lesson there.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BIGGEST HAUL CAME IN UNEARTHING PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALLERS BURIED UNDER BOSTON STADIUM
BANANA SPLITS
(1970)
HANNA-BARBERA
H-B LIVE ACTION costume musical of legend. Right, let's get this cast/instrument configuration right: Fleagle, sort-of leader, droopy-eared dog in fireman's helmet (guitar); Bingo, grinning, be-shaded orange gorilla (drums); Drooper, put-upon, Texan lion thing (another guitar); Snork(y), wibbly honking elephant (keyboards). Anarchic format had these elements, in various combinations: arriving on trapeze/bent fireman's pole etc.; Fleagle banging outsize earthquake-producing gavel to call "meeting" to order; Drooper "taking out the trash" unsuccessfully; light-bulb-festooned moose head and cuckoo clock making with the wisecracks; the Sour Grape Girls, kids in T-shirts who were sworn enemies of da Splitz; the one kid who, on opening the shutters in the "apartment", would be sat outside singing the 'tarara-boom-dee-ay' song on acoustic guitar and the psychedelic song (often quite good, as these things go) at the end, complete with location shots and the Banana buggies going over hill and highway; the slot called "Dear Drooper", preceded by a trumpet fanfare and the announcement, "And now it's time for.... Deeeeeeeeeeeeear Drrrrrrrrrrrrooper", where people wrote asking his advice on an assortment of life issues, usually ending up with Drooper's head in his hands, shaking it in disbelief (either at the questions or Bingo's inane interjections). Oh, and of course, the interspersed cartoons: The Four Musketeers (self-explanatory - D'Artagnan a dead ringer for Mark Hamill); The Arabian Nights (donkey which turned into a whirlwind when "the emperor's guards" pulled its tail, and of course, "Size of an elephant!"); and some thing with shrinking kids that wasn't on much. First series featured live action sideshow Danger Island, the amazing adventures of some shipwrecked bods stuck on a, er, dangerous island with lots of dangerous natives, dangerous animals and other dangerous dangers. Starred a young JAN MICHAEL VINCENT, pre-AIRWOLF. As with most of these things, funny when you're five years old, iffy when you're six, shit when exhumed in any form today.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."HOLD THE BUS!"
THE GOODIES decide to regroup after numerous solo efforts to "recreate the magic". A suitable vehicle is searched for to best deploy their many talents. Instead, they end up doing silly voices for this plodding cartoon Batman pisstake of the long-extinct Nutty comic. Tim does Eric, resident of 29 Acacia Avenue and soft fruit fancier; Graeme does what happens when Eric eats a banana; Bill does wise-talking crow and Oirish police comissioner. Laughs fail to follow.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BEST THING WAS THE TITLE MUSIC (FOR NOT BEING A BILL ODDIE SONG)
SHIT CARTOON of Scandinavian origin concerning a sort of extended family of colourful, shapeshifting balloony blobs. The main two were Barbapapa and Barbamama, with various "character" parts (sporty Barba, sexy Barba) making up the numbers.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...MORE FUN THAT THE MOOMINS, THOUGH THAT WASN'T HARD
BARBAR THE ELEPHANT
(VERY LONG AGO)
KING OF some African republic or other, Babar is a rather dull elephant in a crown and green suit. Also present are Celeste his wife, a rhino rival bloke, and an annoying monkey freeloader. Sedate adventures, to say the least. PETER USTINOV was multiple voice boy, originally.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...PONDEROUS PACHYDERM PALAVER
BARNABY THE Bear was his name. Never call him Jack or James. Cause it's Barnaby. ALRIGHT?? Stop motion circus bear of French origin and obsession-with-correct-nomenclature shared various jerky adventures with various animal pals, including Ricky and Dicky, the Cozy Powell and Ginger Baker of the monkey world, and those freaky Siamese cats. M. Pimpollou was the top-hatted circus owner. UK version voiced by COLIN JEAVONS (aka Lestrade aka, er, Moriarty - see above). Rest of the world knew him as Colargol, a name more befitting some kind of industrial cleaner. Except in Canada, confusingly, where he was called Jeremy. Not Jack or James, though, thankfully.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...IN THE FIRST EPISODE, BARNEY WAS MADE TO WEAR A ROOBARB-STYLE FALSE BEAK FOR REASONS LOST IN THE EDDIES OF TIME
ROLLICKING ANTIQUE-THEMED spy excursionism with STEVE FORREST having a fist fight with two monosyllabic heavies while a very red bus goes past in the background. Clue - he won. Scripts by TERRY "LIBERATOR" NATION.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."AM I DISTURBING YOU?" "NOT AT ALL. AM I DISTURBING YOU?"
BAFFLING KIDS DRAMA about a public schoolboy (just for a change) called Billy who learns his parents have been killed in a sailing accident, moves in with their solicitor, then finds out he was adopted and sets off to track down mum and dad #2. Trek took him across Europe taking in lots of lovely-to-film architecture and minging moaning locals. Kid (BENEDICT "A PERFECT SPY" TAYLOR) gets nowhere fast, plays the cello alot, falls in with po-faced characters with a penchant for staring into the distance after muttering they knew his father a long long time ago, and meets BRIGADIER ALISTAIR GORDON LETHBRIDGE STEWART. Each episode ended with the tyke learning fuck all and moving on to look at more distinguished architecture.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SUNDAY TEATIME SORBET BEFORE HIGHWAY
SIR FRED HARRIS makes his first proper appearance in our A-Z, here presiding over an agreeably strange maths show. In-studio chats mixed to schoolkids on location, but the best bits were the abstract animations on topics like binary notation, area and geometry, played out to the off-kilter prog-blues of seventies maverick composer RON GEESIN.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CHECK OUT RON'S BLUE FUSE LP FOR INSTANT CALCULUS NOSTALGIA
THE BASIL BRUSH SHOW
(1968-80)
BBC
UPPER CLASS FOX with a human voice insults well-known BBC face, takes the piss out of world famous celebrities, blows up some sticks of pretend dynamite, introduces latest hit parade offering from The Shadows/Paul Nicholas/Elaine Paige, then repeatedly interrupts well-known BBC face trying to read an adventure story "until next week's exciting instalment". Established rakish credentials under tutelage of handkerchief-tampering sorceror DAVID NIXON before graduating to own variety show with co-host RODNEY BEWES. Successive "Misters", in chronological and descending-greatness order, were DEREK FOWLDS, ROY NORTH, HOWARD WILLIAMS and BILLY BOYLE. Plenty of memorable tomfoolery with the likes of TERRY WOGAN and INSTANT SUNSHINE kept 1970s ticking over, while perennial invocation of "Dirty Gerty from number thirty" jostled for ubiquity with cries of "Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!" getting increasingly slower. Voice and hand of IVAN OWEN. Latterly revived in 2002 with the wrong a) face b) voice c) format (a sitcom!), but nobody was watching so it didn't matter. Boom boom.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."YOU CAN'T LEAVE BLAST-OFF BASIL THERE, MISTER RODNEY! A HA HA HA ! HA! HA! HA!"
TATTY-LOOKING CARTOON Batman spoofola which looked like it'd been drawn by a child, documenting evil-thwarting capers of bat thing and sidekick Karate against recurring comedy villain (with requisite mad-German-sounding voice) Hugo A-Go-Go. Deployed stock "freeze frame" cliffhanger trick to allow booming narrator to question viewers "Is this finally the end for our fearless foolproof crimefighters?" every bloody week. Ditto reminder of eponymous creature's wings being "like a shield of steel". Characters moved in jerky motion like they couldn't afford to film it properly. Neat titles though, with BATFINK being spelt out in - gasp - bullets.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AGAIN WITH THE SUPERSONIC SONAR RADAR
"IN TONIGHT'S CAPE-TIVATING EPISODE..." Cue Batcave, Wayne Manor, Batarangs, Alfred, Bat Utility belt, Police Chief O'Hara, Batpoles (with cunningly concealed button under bust of Shakespeare), Commissioner Gordon, "Zap!" "Pow!" "Zowie!", lighty-up batphone, Auntie Edie, walking up horizontal wall with guest stars in windows, "tune in next week, same bat-time, same bat-channel", "dananananana" theme plus dodgy animated titles of various 2D baddies flying slowly through the air, "atomic batteries to power, turbines to speed", that sign flopping down to let the car through, Penguin (BURGESS MEREDITH), Joker (CAESAR ROMERO), Catwoman (LEE MERIWETHER, JULIE NEWMAR), Riddler (FRANK GORSHIN), The "Devil" (JOAN CRAWFORD), Egghead (VINCENT PRICE), Chandell (LIBERACE) etc. And that's more or less it.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...HOLY FORK IN THE ROAD!
BATTLE OF THE PLANETS
(LATE 1970s)
SANDY FRANK FILM SYNDICATION & GALLERIE INTERNATIONAL FILMS
IN SOME vague future, Earth was defended from aliens by a kerazee team of helmet-and-cape sporting animated types calling themselves G-Force. In full: bland leader Mark, love interest Princess, shady Avonesque Jason, ironically-named Tiny (he was fat!) and "delightfully politically incorrect" chinless stuttering kid, Keyop. Floaty, be-caped control robot computer (at "Centre Neptune") was called 7 Zark 7 for no reason, and there was also an R2D2 comic relief robot dog, 1 Rover 1. The ship was the Phoenix, which could "transmute!" into a...spaceship on fire. What use this was was anyone's guess, but such is the way of this sort of caper. The aliens were headed by pointy-helmeted (and slightly camp) Zoltar, who in turn reported to a weird floating blue blob known only as "O, Luminous one". Needless to say, well-nigh impenetrable to the casual viewer. The show was actually a heavily edited and sanitised version of "Science Ninja Gatchaman", one of the first adult orientated Japanese cartoons. Zoltar was actually a hermademphorite who kept on changing sex, explained in the kiddie edit by pretending Zoltar's female body was his "sister". Also, Jason swore a lot and punched everybody, including Princess - gasp! The last few episodes were never translated as they were too violent and miserable (ie, good): Jason got a bad brain injury, started losing control of his body, was captured by Zoltar and shot in the head many times with a machine gun. Zoltar then got depressed and commited suicide, by hurling his/herself into a pit of lava when the rest of the team confonted him ("Die,everybody! DIE!") Also 7-Zark-7 wasn't in the original, he was animated by the company who dubbed it and slipped in at bits of the show for sappy moral puke.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FRANCIS WILSON USED TO INTRODUCE EPISODES VIA HIS WEATHER WINDOW ON BREAKFAST TIME
BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
(1980-84)
QUINTESSENTIAL GLEN A. LARSON
GOD TOOK a back seat for this Star Wars re-hash, complete with cylons, the ace John Dykstra's effects, Bonanza's LORNE GREENE, a bastard hateful child and his asthmatic robot dog Moxie or Muffet , and of course DIRK BENEDICT, later to evince early '80s postmodernism with the "Cylon incident" in the A-Team credit sequence. Good stuff, until they found Earth and PATRICK STEWART in Galactica 1980.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SCARED DR WHO OFF SATURDAY NIGHTS, THOUGH
CHRIS A.K.A. C.J. ALLEN (also in SIMON AND THE WITCH around the same era) "did" this series as Batty, an eccentric character (possibly a pedlar of sorts) on a bike, travelling around some unspecified countryside and having the titular adventures. He played all the other characters as well.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SAT BETWEEN WIZBIT AND BEAT THE TEACHER ON THURSDAYS
BEACHCOMBERS
(1972-74)
CBC/CANADA
SKIVVY CANADIAN live action "drama" about a bunch of kids who decide to "help out" a middle aged beachcomber (hmmm....) Memorable episode saw one of the guys get trapped under some logs as the tide was coming in and his mate, with a bobble hat and a lumberjack jacket, had to get help. Title sequence was a helicopter-shot pan of the beach intercut with action from the series, logs and all.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NOTHING TO DO WITH UK HUMOUR BLOKE IN PUNCH MAGAZINE
TWO "FREELANCE investigators" arse about down Mexico way pre-WWI in a Stutz Bearcat (not the crummy pretend-50s doo-wop group always on RAZZMATAZZ). Featured ROD "Let's foller their tracks!" TAYLOR.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...PILOT WAS CALLED POWDER KEG. EXPLOSIVE ACTION NOT GUARANTEED.
NIGEL "KINVIG" KNEALE takes responsibility for these plays about various animal/human horror confrontations. BARTY'S PARTY was the best: rats invade the home of a woman via the toilet while she listens, shocked, to reports on the radio (the unseen vermin being much more scary than the shitty in-vision puppetry of your late-period hamfisted DOOMWATCH; cue puppet rats poking heads out of toilet bowl and man whacking them with a broom). Another one had PAULINE "PAULINE QUIRKE'S" QUIRKE as a supermarket shelf-stacker haunted by a ficticious invisible rabbit that was in fact not even a rabbit but a manifestation of her telikinetic abilities to dislodge produce from supermarket shelves. Then there was the one with the dolphin-ghost starring Martin Shaw. Finally there was the disenchanted actor playing a monster in a series of films, THE DUMMY. He starts killing the other actors and blaming it on the monster, but no one believes this until the monster, yes, kills him.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...PAULINE QUIRKE AND A DOLPHIN VERSUS A MASSIVE FUCK-OFF SCARY PIT? NO CONTEST!
BEAT THE TEACHER
(1984-88)
BBC
FROM THE DESK OF DOIG. Yup, this was another of Clive's 1980s epics, only this bestrode the schedules like some corduroy collosus. Not once, not twice, not thrice, but four-weekly pupils v teachers grillathon based, somewhat lazily it has to be admitted, on plain old noughts and crosses. Pupil was "O", their teacher "X" and "Board" was giant annoyingly clacketty tic-tac-toe grid, each space with four possible configurations - "O", blank, "X", blank. Answer a typically riddle-me-ree question correctly (sample: Is the day after tomorrow week the same as yesterday fortnight? How many legs does each contestant have in a three-legged race?), and get to turn squares a certain number of times by nominating positions, in a style later ripped off by Rob Curling's TURNABOUT, with ultimate aim being, well, tic-tac-toe. First brought to us by HOWARD STABLEFORD before, and this order is correct. PAUL JONES (yup, out of Manfred Mann) then TREVOR "Bruno" BROOKES. Naturally it went downhill from there, Brookes' arrival coinciding with the replacement of the half-decent Grange Hill-style opening theme with an annoying rap effort and lots of objectionable kids running about objectionably in the title sequence. Winners of first series, if you're out there, were the pupils and teachers of Monk's Wall School, Welwyn Garden City.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...MIDDLE MIDDLE TWO!
THE BEATLES
(BEING FLOGGED BY ITV UP TO THE LATE 1970s)
KING FEATURES
PREPOSTEROUS POPPERMOST Yank animated antics featuring the nice one, the sarky one, the dull one and the hopeless big-nosed one who was always getting them into trouble. Above-average fare for a seventies summer morning on ITV, to be fair, mainly for the tunes and exaggerated mop-top haircuts. It was also miles better than Yellow Submarine. Veteran toon-voice PAUL "ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE" FREES was on nasal duty for John and George. Rumoured All-New John Lennon Show with middle bit featuring animated Private Yoko Ono running amok with giant bags and naked arses in military camp turned out to be false.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THE '70S CAN'T-LET-IT-LIE BEATLEXHUMATION CAME TO A STICKY END WITH THAT PETER FRAMPTON FILM IN 1978
QUEASY VICTORIAN anthropomorbidity-fest given ill-advised "dance treatment" by the Royal Ballet Company in lifesize animal heads with beady, staring eyes. Terrifying all round, but the one with the fishing frog being eaten by the fish irreperably scarred thousands of small children for life. Terror, thy name is ballet-with-false-heads-on.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...IF THIS WAS AMERICA, WE COULD SUE
B |
Click to find your programme: |
|