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CHEGGERS CHECKS IT OUT to THE CLIMBER
CLIVE JAMES ON TELEVISION/SATURDAY NIGHT CLIVE to THE CUT PRICE COMEDY SHOW
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THROUGH-THE-MOTIONS SPIN-OFF from THE GENTLE TOUCH, wherein JILL GASCOINE, LESLIE ASH and another one (either ROSALYN LANDOR or TRACY LOUISE WARD) played Charlie's Angels in Kent. DON "NOW CALM DOWN, RIGSBY" WARRINGTON shuffled papers.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...STOOD FOR COVERT ACTIVITIES, THAMES SECTION
CABBAGES AND KINGS
(1972-74)
BBC
EARLY RUN-OUT for renaissance man and "handsome chap" JOHNNY BALL, honing his comedy stylings via a bran tub of historical skits and spoofs. JULIE STEVENS and DEREK GRIFFITHS completed the justly stellar line up.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...TITLES, BOASTING CABBAGES DOING COUNTRY DANCING, NOT THE MOST OBVIOUS OF MARKETING STRATEGIES
CABBAGES AND KINGS
(1979-80)
GRANADA
AND AGAIN. But not a mistake (on our part, anyway), for this was the handiwork of the seemingly ageless (and charisma-less) NIGEL REES, trying to get his Radio 4 panelathon Quote Unquote onto the small screen. GYLES BRANDRETH found aiding and abetting at the scene of the crime.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...'AMUSING GRAFFITI' ROUND FEATURED SLOGANS NOT FOUND ON THE WALLS OF ANYWHERE IN THE WHOLE WORLD
CALL ME MISTER
(LATE 1980s)
BBC/CHANNEL 9 (OR SOMETHING)
ANGLO/ANTIPODEAN CO-PRODUCTION, trotted out in that tantalising post-9pm-news not-too-adult-but-worth-staying-up-for-all-the-same slot. Oz Australian bloke (STEVE BISLEY, Jim Goose in "Mad Max") is the bastard son who inherits the title "Sir"; Call Me Mister indicates his reluctance to adopt it. Moves to the UK where he meets his half-siblings (HAYDN GWYNNE and RUPERT FRAZER). They're not too glad to see him - bro' suspects he's an imposter. Other characters include a wheelchair-bound private eye (not Ironside but DAVID BAMBER) and Bamber's rather attractive girlfriend Jock (VALERIE GOGAN). And would you believe that Bisley's romantic interest in the show is none other than Precious Matthews from Grange Hill (DULCIE LIECIER)? Pretty much a star-studded cast, though Precious swings it for us. All in all, a series' worth of criminal activities for Bisley to sort out. Very flash, standard Crocodile Dundee stereotyping, but very watchable.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...YER GREAT HOON!
"AH, WOULD THAT IT WERE, but pray, let us have the next word, the next lexicographical leguna, the next syntactical soupcon, and lo, here it comes, but ah me, a turn of speed if you please, and nay, tish and fibble, come with me if you will, is there no hope, is there truly no hope, I spy no flicker on their faces, oh to be sure, well, I am throwing it over to the other side, do you have it, do you have it, do you have it, I think that you have it, by jove, the game is well and truly afoot, but wait, tush, a pause, a parenthesis, an intermission, could this really be the end, ah, would that it were my friends, would that it were, from me, Robert Robinson, farewell!"
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CO-STARRING A BLUE SPINNING THING WITH WORDS ON IT, SOME TATTY BROWN FOLDING CARDS, FRANK MUIR, PATRICK CAMPBELL AND ARTHUR MARSHALL
NOT THE FORTUNES of a down-on-his-luck ex-Prime Minister trying to make his way through a tough life back on the streets dodging Troops Out Of Ireland hecklers and Michael Cockerill, sadly. Instead a one-off POLICE SQUAD-type US action spoof considered to be slightly better by those who remember it, but those who remember it inevitably can't remember it too well, so we'll probably never know.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."ALL THAT HAS, NOW, GONE FOR A BURTON"
EDWARD WOODWARD played hard-as-fuck secret service "loose cannon" moping and snarling his way through Cold War Britain occasionally assisted by smelly sidekick called Lonely. Seminal in every sense, not least the swinging bare light bulb opening titles.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...1981 REVIVAL ENTITLED, ER, "WET JOB", WITH LONELY WORKING AS A BATHROOM STORE MERCHANT.
MIDDLING-TO-MYOPIC CARTOON of curious origin starring a frustrated black chicken/duck who wore a piece of eggshell on its head. The tagline of every episode was "It's an injustice, it is," said in a high whiny voice. Dreadful.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...PFFTT
CALUM KENNEDY'S COMMANDO COURSE
(1980)
BBC
UNINTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS DOCUMENTARY about crappy singer CK and his just as crap travelling roadshow navigating the Scottish Highlands and getting slowly more desperate and pissed off. Massive legal problems delayed broadcast for five years.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."A MOCKERY OF ONE IN PARTICULAR AND SCOTLAND IN GENERAL" QUOTH THE KENNSTER
CAMBERWICK GREEN/TRUMPTON/CHIGLEY
(1966-69)
BBC
MOUTH-LESS STOP-MOTION surbitons later burned by creator Gordon Murray in fit of pique.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...MONUMENTAL
LONG-FORGOTTEN ROWAN Atkinson blueprint for the bonechilling Mr Bean, featuring our man saying very little in a radio station while deliberately overhyped canned laughter sounded when bugger all funny was happening. Which was presumably a hell of a lot.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WELL-WORN 'RADIO PHONE-IN NUMBER GOING ON FOR ABOUT A MINUTE' GAG PLAYED SUPPORTING ROLE
CANNON
(1972-78)
QUINN MARTIN/US
WILLIAM CONRAD PUFFED and chafed as the huge great big massive fat bastard private eye Frank Cannon, sweating it out and miraculously avoiding being shot by the crooks.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."COMPARED TO CANNON A BARN DOOR LOOKS LIKE A LEMON PIP" QUOTH CLIVE JAMES
CANNON AND BALL
(1978-90)
LWT/YORKSHIRE
"TO BE HONEST," they would proclaim, "the fuss that is sometimes made when we're playing the theatres scares me. It's like The Beatles." The Bootleg Beatles, that is. Walking (just) embodiment of what went wrong with comedy in the 80s, now born-again Christians but still happy to lap it up at the Blackpool Winter Gardens. Enjoyed astonishing exposure off the back of amusingly failed appearances on BRUCE FORSYTH'S BIG NIGHT doing sub-sub-sub Morecambe and Wise variety with a curly-haired noisy little sod with braces ("Rock on, Tommy!") and tall dull stooge. Own show weirdly mutated into a sitcom for a bit, then ended up - oh god - Cannon And Ball's Casino with a young Steve Coogan cashing his chips. Not the nadir, though; that was spin-off film The Boys In Blue, done ten years after ITV spin-off films had a) stopped being funny and b) just stopped.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AN APPEARANCE IN 2000 ON J** D*******'S GENERATION GAME WAS ARDUOUS: CANNON SINGS SONG "FOR ALL THE LADIES AND GENTLEMEN HERE TONIGHT", BALL ACCOMPANIES ON TOY TRUMPET, CANNON GETS GRADUALLY MORE AGITATED WITH BALL'S ERRATIC BEHAVIOUR, AUDIENCE SYMPATHISES WITH BALL; THEY HADN'T LEARNED.
CAPITAL CITY
(1989-90)
EUSTON FILMS/THAMES
"IF HE DOESN'T BREAK EVEN, he breaks his phone." With taglines like that, how could CAPITAL CITY possibly fail to not be a complete failure? A Canary Wharf-sized cocktail of high finance, greed, sexual horseplay and shouting, the only things missing were decent plots and likable characters. Perma-portfolioed employees of pretend finance empire Shane Longmans included JASON "CHILDREN'S STORY HARRY POTTER" ISAACS, PIPPA "HELEN BRITTAS" HAYWOOD and LOUISE "HOUSE OF ELIOTT' LOMBARD.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CO-STARS INCLUDED MASSIVE FUCK-OFF BOTTLES OF EVIAN WATER
OBSCURE-AS-EVER EDUCATIONAL shenanegains with cutout animation Mr. Capricorn directing a middle-aged live action couple around various provincial suburban locations in the name of basic mathematics. Had a magic umbrella. Was a clever fella. You can see the level we're working at, here.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."LET'S PLAY THE MATCHING GAME!" LET'S NOT, EH?
CAPTAIN BEAKY AND FRIENDS
(1980)
BBC
OFF THE BACK OF two nationwide stocking filler longplayers, Henry VIII, Inspector Clouseau and Margo Leadbetter recite comic songs about sentient animals while perched on stools.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BRINGING UP THE REAR: TIMMY TOAD, RECKLESS RAT, ARTFUL OWL AND BATTY BAT
CAPTAIN CAVEMAN
(1970s)
HANNA-BARBERA
WRETCHED CRYOGENICALLY-FROZEN four-foot furball with a) ragged leopardskin cape b) solitary facial feature (a pink bulbous nose) c) club which opened up to reveal mini-pterodactyl with candle, and d) various woolly mammoths/sabretooth tigers hidden in fur, battles crime with Charlie's, er, the TEEN Angels (like no-one would spot that rip off), comprising Brenda (token nervous/pathetic one), Dee-Dee (token black/sassy one) and Taffy (token blonde of "Super zowee!" fame). Appalling scruffy runt used to stupidly try and fly with the club every episode, but it always conked out mid-air ("Bad time for power failure!" etc). Resulting injuries were never fatal, sadly.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."UNGA BUNGA!" FUCK OFF
CAPTAIN NEMO'S UNDERSEA ADVENTURES
(LATE 1970s)
FILMATION
EARLY ENTRY in the endless foreign import animation stable (see AROUND THE WORLD WITH WILLY FOGG) with all those dreaded elements already in place: weird bastardisation of original hero (here sporting - eh? - a beard), unnecessary meddling with the companions (one apparently called Johnny), sassy robot for the youngsters.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THE ROBOT MIGHT HAVE BEEN MADE UP
CAPTAIN PUGWASH
(1957-66/1974-75)
BBC
BRACING BRINY cut-out chicanery with bloated, nasal, goateed Puggers leading his band of buffoonish piratical chums aboard the Black Pig and constantly finding no treasure. Remade in colour in the 70s, still using the same cardboard. Harmless tales unmarred by that shit playground rumour about characters called "Mr. Sperm", which managed to fool no-one, except, inevitably, The Guardian Guide.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...VOICES SUPPLIED BE PETER "BILL AND BEN" HAWKINS
LATE PERIOD Andersoniana (tell-tale signs: small heads, no walking, strings only partially visible) came up trumps with the tales of "one man whom fate has made indestructible" versus the Mysterons (deep-voiced torch beams). Spectrum, requisite giant world security command base, was green; sidekick Colonel White, other Captains Blue (ordinary joe), Grey (pity the poor sod who landed that one), Magenta (a bloke!) and Ochre (the posh one, inevitably). Ably supported by dolly bird pilots of Angel Interceptors (Destiny, Melody, Rhapsody, Harmony, Symphony). Shitloads of ace gadgets and wheels, including those SPVs (armoured blue tanks where the driver faced backwards), that red pointy car, that rotating desk and conveyor belts (again to avoid walking etc.), all in the floating (as you do) Cloudbase HQ. Captain Black (do you see!) was the martian allied defector. All top stuff and way superior to the concurrent JOE 90. FRANCIS MATTHEWS voiced the eponymous hero with a pretty fair approximation of CARY GRANT; ED BISHOP, Gerry's missus and DONALD GREY were among the other pipesmiths.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ACE CLOSING CREDITS MONTAGE FEATURED SONG BY 'THE SPECTRUM' ASSURING: "THEY CRASH HIM, AND HIS BODY MAY BURN/THEY SMASH HIM, BUT HE'LL ALWAYS RETURN/TO LIVE AGAIN!"
CAPTAIN ZEP - SPACE DETECTIVE
(1983-84)
BBC
NOT MUCH cop in itself, but included here due to its possibly unique format. Each week the Captain and his two lackeys (bloke and woman in jumpsuits) landed on a planet to investigate some crime or other. This being pre-90s UK television, the budget was around £50 a show, so the planet, buildings etc. were portrayed by magic markered drawings of the same style as a Marvel comic circa 1975, halfway through being coloured in. The aliens were similarly drawn, and no matter which planet it was, invariably looked like a cross between a praying mantis and a JCB digger. Then, just before the denouement, the primitive superimposition was turned off, and the Cap'n & Co. materialised in a studio surrounded by loads of kids (aka the 'top' set at English if it was like the lot who went from our school) with those pink flourescent plastic "wipe-kleen" drawing pads (futuristic, don't you know), and it turned into an audience participation thing. Who WAS the culprit? WHY was Grazarax in the munitions bay? It was up to the kids, and "you-at-home", to work out whodunnit. Then they showed you. You'd get it wrong, of course, because the scripts cheated like mad.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...PENNED, BIZARRELY, BY ERSTWHILE MORECAMBE AND WISE GAG MERCHANT DICK HILLS
BUMPTIOUS BELGIUM PRODUCTION makes clumsy transition to British screens via hit-and-miss overdubs. Kids and a smelly fisherman have adventures. Best bit: Bert Kaempfert's theme, aka "Living It Up".
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...USEFUL FOR SEEING OFF PERENNIAL "NAME FIVE BELGIANS" WANKERY
UBIQUITOUS SCHOOL reading homework, here condensed into more agreeable half hour portions, charting exploits (or lack of them) of titular evacuee and brother Nick forced to move from Adolf-menaced London to old woman-menaced Welsh hamlet called (is someone laughing at the back?) Druid's Bottom. Lots of grizzled and grim pensioners abound. One is called Mrs Gotobed. Another is Mr Sandwich. Children frustrated by vaguely sinister rules like only using the stairs once a day for fear of wearing out the carpet. Threat of something other-worldly never far away. Old skull knocking around suggest at least one present is a witch. Not a lot happened, but at the time it was the most expensive kids drama the Beeb had ever done and pretty much set the bar for everything that followed.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ALSO PATENTED TEMPLATE FOR STOCK BBC VILLAGE IDIOT, IN THE SHAPE OF MR JOHNNY WHO FRIGHTENED KIDS IN DARK LANES BY MAKING TURKEY NOISES, THE WAG
CARROTT DEL SOL/CARROTT'S LIB/CARROTT CONFIDENTIAL
(1981-89)
LWT/BBC
GANGLING BRUMMIE rhyming raconteur turned Sun-bashing satire-peddling small screen chieftain JASPER "BOB DAVIES" CARROTT first cleared his throat as far as most of the country was concerned with 'Funky Moped' in 1975. Then it was but a deft flick of a newspaper cutting before televised concerts and one-off specials, characterised by the likes of The Nutter on the Bus, I've Got This Mole, Australian Durex ("I'd like to see his Christmas presents!") and The Hangman Song, led to Carrott del Sol: a bizarre semi-improvised tale of package holiday hi-jinks co-starring Davros and Mr C off Hollyoaks. More substantial was ...LIB, where, now comfortably settled on the Beeb, Jasp delivered topical material atop a chrome stool, while a loose rep of supporting players (including NICK WILTON, THE OBLIVION BOYS and DEBBIE "LES GIRLS" BISHOP) acted out sketches and stood in a line delivering headline-based gags to camera in a section at the beginning which never really worked. Regular whipping boys included Milton Keynes, The Sun, the Ronco corporation, "pseudo-intellectuals" in corduroy trousers, and, of course, the Reliant Robin. A long-running quest to find something bitingly satirical to say about John Selwyn Gummer came up with the line "John Selwyn Gummer... is a bummer!" Then after further gigging came ...CONFIDENTIAL, much the same format but with two main differences: the opening credits consisted of Jasper walking through the corridors of TV Centre to his stool, bypassing various sight gags relating to the week's news, while an old Status Quo record played in the background (weirdly, top pop Tory ELO's Bev Bevan was "music consultant" on the show). There was also a parody of a current advert, usually consisting of the original ad with "hilarious" footage of Carrott edited in. In 1990 the show morphed into the less than sparkling Canned Carrott, with Punt and Dennis and iffy Sweeney parody The Detectives with Robert Powell. Jasp's bit on the side, Celador, then hit the big time with Who Wants to be a Millionaire and he unsurprisingly buggered off into semi-retirement. Continued to essay forth, always unwisely, in everything from dire ad-based clip shows to "handicap friendly" sitcoms.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."HELLO, IS THAT STEPHEN WALDORF?" AH, NOTHING DATES QUITE LIKE SATIRE, EH?
CARTOON ALPHABET
(EARLY 1980s)
THAMES
BOG STANDARD cartoon compilation hosted by TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR of GOODIES/GIDEON fame. As good or bad as the cartoons themselves, really.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NO IDEA ABOUT 'X', MIND
"CASEY JONES, steamin' an' a rollin'." Seemingly endless black and white archivery showcasing exploits of chirpy old US steam engine driver (ALAN HALE, JNR.) and his best friend, who is an engine called The Cannonball Express. Infinite repeats long into subsequent decades.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...TRAIN "SAVED" PEOPLE IN TROUBLE
THE CAT FROM OUTER SPACE
(1978)
DISNEY
YOU'VE NO idea how glad we are that our Creamy timespan coincides with D*****'s lowest creative and commercial ebb. That said, this live actioner did dominate film shows and holiday TV in a similar way to DIGBY. Basically as per the title, with the eponymous feline talking in a measured American voice via glowing green flea collar. Could also make things float. Closer in spirit and execution to a CFF Film, though they never had RODDY MACDOWELL mithering about in the background. And that's it. Other than the fact that the guy who trained the cat later explained how he would place the moggy in a box and shake it up before takes, so as to create an aura of 'otherness' about the (let's face it) bog standard feline.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THERE ARE LAWS, YOU KNOW
CATCHPHRASE
(1986-NOWISH)
TVS/MERIDIAN/CARLTON/GOD KNOWS
LIKE A PETULANT BOOMERANG this keeps coming back, although we're sure that they've done every "phrase" in the English language about ten times now and they're throwing in stuff like "Walking Down The Street", like that's a catchphrase. Anyhow, 80s-Sunday-night-just-after-HIGHWAY vintage is your main concern, with sometime blue comic ROY WALKER asking you to "say what you see" in response to a badly-drawn computer image of a phrase or term, Dingbats-style. Animations starred the inimitable MR. CHIPS, a bizarre Chad-like character, about whom Roy would repeatedly ask, "What's Mr. Chips doing?" Neon tube lights abounded on the set, and yes, we had that all-important ROTATING STRUCTURE which was compulsory for game shows in the 1980s. This was the biggest, though, with the contestants perched precariously near the edge, and then - as if that wasn't enough - a second rotating structure on the left which served no purpose whatsoever. Show's own catchphrase is above, along with "here's another catchphrase", "five seconds, here we go", "it's good, but it's not right" (which Walker always said even if Joe Public couldn't have been more wrong) and after the adverts, "it's fast and furious in the Ready Money Round!" when show employed oft-used tactic of doubling all the prize money. Piccies accompanied by instantly recognised jingles: the upbeat one, the slightly quirky one, the desert/Middle Eastern one etc etc. Final was working out catchphrases against the clock, leading to many hilarious wrong answers from panicking punters (though the heart beat-style clock music didn't help). Buzzer noise was grand, as was title sequence, with us flying through some weird maze on another planet.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ROY BAILED OUT IN 2000 TO BE REPLACED BY, OOH, QUITE POSSIBLY YOU
CATTANOOGA CATS
(1969)
HANNA-BARBERA
UMBRELLA TITLE for several H-B cartoons: IT'S THE WOLF!, PHILEAS FOGG JNR. (who tried to go around the world in 79 days) and AUTO CAT AND MOTOR MOUSE (Tom and Jerry meets Wacky Races). All linked by the adventures of the titular feline rock group.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SEE THE BANANA SPLITS FOR MORE H-B ROCK FOLLIES
HAIRY TINKER who can't speak but who's really an 11th Century magician (and who's really GEOFFREY BAYLDON) tries to escape from some pissed off Norman soliders, jumps in a pond to hide and finds himself transported to Children's Film Foundation-era Britain. Luckily there's a posh (as always) boy on hand to explain all our modern day shit to him.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."I'M SORRY, DO YOU MIND AWFULLY IF I USE YOUR TELLING BONE?"
THE CB BEARS
(1978)
HANNA-BARBERA
YET ANOTHER pot pourri effort from Messrs William and Joe, this time starring bears in trucks with, well, CB. Opening was called "Blast Off Buzzard" chronicling the pointless, and voiceless, adventures of er, a buzzard in the desert, trying to catch a worm called Crazylegs (not related to Crazylegs Crane, thankfully). Next came "The Robonic Stooges" (see entry). Third and last were the bears themselves, who sat about in a dustbin lorry and, well, had adventures. Names were Boogie, Hustle and Bump, one of whom had curly blonde hair and wore a bin lid on his head. Main point of note was that the theme tune was the same as that at the end of CAPTAIN CAVEMAN and quite possibly loads of other H-B affairs. The lazy swines.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...USUALLY SPOTTED BETWEEN FINAL SCORE AND DR WHO
ELONGATION OF MAGPIE via original shortlived spin-off called Ace Reports featuring WAYNE "PIPKINS" LAREYA. TOMMY BOYD was still present but this time kicking sides were JIM SWEENEY, STEVE STEEN and a junior MIKE SMITH. Concept was they were running a pirate TV station from a boiler room in the Thames studios, and each week they had to humorously sneak in, past the commissionaire who may well have been Henry Magee. Or maybe not. But he should have been. ANNEKA RICE bagged extra curricular work from TREASURE HUNT as a reporter.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ORIGINAL FULL TITLE WAS "CBTV CHANNEL 14", THERE BEING SOME CB SIGNIFICANCE TO CHANNEL 14. APPARENTLY. PERHAPS THE BEARS COULD TELL US.
YAWNSOME MID-AFTERNOON serial about some 1930s toffs in a country house. Chiefly remembered as occupying the hour between CROWN COURT and afternoon repeat of PIPKINS.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ENDLESS
CELEBRITY SQUARES
(1975-79, 1993-96)
ATV/CENTRAL
"HELLO CELEBRITIES!" The plea bargain to lure LORD BOB MONKHOUSE back to THE GOLDEN SHOT, "the big box game of stars and cars" was loads more glamorous than his previous archery-based extravaganza, helped by the presence of HERMIONE GINGOLD and VINCENT PRICE in the first show. Basically noughts and crosses on the telly, the game was piss-easy to play along with, especially for the contestants who only had to guess whether Garry Bushell knew the answer to a trivia question or not. The answer's no, by the way. The first incarnation was enlivened by KENNY EVERETT on voiceovers, who was bored witless throughout recordings and spent most of the time playing Scrabble in the booth with his agent. After four years it ended before returning in the nineties, with Lord Bob still firing on all cylinders but having to put up with a much lower standard of celebrity, like "star of DESMONDS" KIM WALKER, CY "EMMERDALE" CHADWICK or a Chippendale mysteriously billed as simply "CHIPPENDALE" on his desk. Still, seeing Bob trade gags with the likes of YVETTE FIELDING had a curious sort of appeal. Best Bob Catchphrase - "We'll be back in a flash with double the cash!"
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THE MIDDLE SQUARE OCCUPANT HAD TO WALK INTO SOMEONE ELSE'S SQUARE DURING THE GAME, IT WAS THE LAW
CHALK AND CHEESE
(1977-79)
THAMES
RUBBISH MIDWEEK sitcom fodder with a post-SOME MOTHERS MICHAEL CRAWFORD and ROBIN HAWDON exploring admittedly limited potential of programme's title through protracted house-on-fire bad neighbour shenanigans. Crawford hung tin bath on front door to denote "alternative" lifestyle-leanings. No-one cared. Pilot featured JONATHAN PRYCE in lead role, married to MIRIAM MARGOLYES (later replaced by GILLIAN MARTELL).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CRAWFORD SPORTED A BEARD, WHICH WASN'T RIGHT
CHALLENGE ANNEKA
(1989-95)
BBC
"HELLO, IT'S ANNEKA FROM THE CHALLENGE PROGRAMME!" Aaargh, no it's not, Anneka! That is NOT the name of the programme! Anyway, invented in 1987 as part of CHILDREN IN NEED, it spun off into a full series two years later, leaving TREASURE HUNT in the hands of Annabel Croft. Each week Annie would be challenged to do something to make the world a better place, whether making a charity record, restoring a youth club or, as the titles so memorably had it, building a bridge for some hedgehogs to cross the road. To go about this she had a brick-like mobile phone to cadge favours on ("P-L-Y wood? Oh, plywood!"), a snazzy buggy and a huge juggernaut with a full-size kitchen and bedroom we always wanted to stay the night in. Also great was the way she used to forever have to turn up on WOGAN or on Simon Bates's Radio 1 show to ask the public to join in. Challenge purists, of whom we would count ourselves, would suggest it went down the dumper when they started revealing the challenges in advance in the Radio Times, where once they were sworn to secrecy. Still, it kept its fantastic theme throughout, including the sad slow version when things went wrong, so it can't have been all bad.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...RETURNED TO ITV A DECADE LATER WITH THEME INTACT, BUT SADLY SANS HEDGEHOGS
CHAMPION THE WONDER HORSE
(1956-57)
CBS
TEXTBOOK RELIC that someone hung around for decades, even getting a showing as late as the mid-80s. Still, it must've kept GENE AUTRY in pocket, for it was he on lead vocal duties for that spine-tingling, memory-branding title theme, belting out a tribute to his own quadraped, conveniently also named Champion. Show concerned itself with the horrors of the Wild West where rocks would tumble unannounced down the side of a cliff onto a road, and rivers were always bursting their banks close to nice people's settlements. BARRY CURTIS was the horse's best friend, spurring him on to derring-do, and who looked like every kid from America that used to turn up on black and white TV (freckles, a moon face and stupid fringe).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...26 EPISODES MADE, 26,000 REPEATS AIRED
THREE BORING FOLK crash land in the Himalayas and, naturally, inherit secret powers. Craig Sterling (the gruff STUART DAMON), Sharon McReady (the delightful ALEXANDRA BASTEDO) and Richard Barratt (the what-am-I-doing-here WILLIAM GAUNT) were the ones whose senses had been heightened and, by being able to hear a bit better than everyone else, could save the world. Because baddies always talk in hushed whispers, handily.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ARCHETYPAL "MYSTERIOUS" BOSS CALLED TREMAYNE AND LIVED IN GENEVA
CHANCE IN A MILLION
(1984-86)
THAMES
TEXTBOOK EARLY CHANNEL 4 attempt at homegrown "alternative" "comedy". SIMON CALLOW is stunted-talking, straight-laced young fogey Tom Chance (hence the title) with BRENDA BLETHYN as ditzy-style girlfriend. Life revolves around preposterous circumstances of the kind you only get in, yes, crap sitcoms. Cue houses collapsing, cocaine being swapped with wallpaper paste etc. One episode revolved around his house being invaded by army recruits on a scavenger hunt, wherein Tom promptly supplies all the necessary objects, including a "picture of Shirley Williams in the nude". How come? Picture was of Shirl as a baby. BILL PERTWEE played himself, i.e. a bemused local constable.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WRITERS WENT ON TO LESSER THINGS: THE BRITTAS EMPIRE
SUPREMELY PREPOSTEROUS supernatural kids twaddle concerning an ancient mystical force which could bring modern life to a standstill. As was typical in the 70s, those at the centre of the mayhem were a bunch of Unlikable Posh Children. Begins with whole country suffering a power cut (topical) and population decamping to France. One of the posh kids gets separated from her family and falls in with some Sikhs (topical). Lots of sci-fi quackery ensues including bollocks involving a stone called the Necromancer, Merlin and some hippies. Everything back to normal at the end, of course.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."MOST EXPENSIVE BBC CHILDREN'S DRAMA" - SINCE THE LAST ONE
CHANNEL FOUR SPORT DOWN THE AGES
(1982 onwards)
IN THE BEGINNING there was AMERICAN FOOTBALL on a Sunday teatime, so you could annoy your mum by switching over halfway through SONGS OF PRAISE to catch a glimpse of the 49ers versus the Redskins, presented by crap diminutive ex-DJ NICKY HORNE. "They're all pansies, look at them helmets," said your dad, and he was right, except not everyone agreed, leading to spurious media-led mid-80s fascination with "gridiron" and a rash of nasty silky NFL bomber jackets and Miami Dolphins baseball caps in the high street and (probably non-existant) pointless fake "Superbowl parties", where everyone ate 'nachos' and drank 'Bud' till quarter to four on a Monday morning despite no-one having a clue, or indeed really caring what was going on: "But it's what they do in America." So? Popularity of sport plummeted when C4 handed presentation gig to shite alternative cabaret double act THE VICIOUS BOYS: "So the quarterback's been sacked there", "What, he's lost his job?", and even the dullest kids realising how terrible it was. Also there from the start was Monday night BASKETBALL presented by Oliver's bro SIMON REED, except the teams changed every year, constantly switching from Milton Keynes (home of the naff minority sport, as many an international hockey player will testify) to Birmingham to Reading, so no-one knew who was who, and the whole thing died on its arse. Other try-outs included the slightly unpleasant SCHOOLBOY BOXING with Henry Cooper urging on the puppyfat poundings, AUSSIE RULES FOOTBALL ("an oval pitch! Umpires dressed like ice-cream vendors!), SUBBUTEO (best one yet), the TOUR DE FRANCE presented by Nick Owen and later Richard Keys from a bike shop window (with no drugs, and therefore no interest), extended coverage of the highly-prestigious WORLD GAMES which included dancing and bodybuilding, the legendary (but rubbish) SUMO WRESTLING ("It's like a chess match you know") and Indian rip-off of British Bulldog KABADDI ("Sogoody!") Later attempts to smarten up output foundered on inclusion of "humorously" hursuite misogynist and wavy-hands bloke JOHN McCRIRICK in horse racing coverage and "for God's sake why?" participation of BARRY NORMAN on late night duty for 1988 Olympics. Other horrors included minority showcase EVER THOUGHT OF SPORT? with Gary Crowley, a man who offered all the encouragement needed to get away from the TV set and climb halfway up a Welsh mountain, THE SPORTS QUIZ presented by Steve Davis (he's a big soul music fan you know) and 7SPORT, extremely unnecessary cross-pollination of NETWORK 7 and GRANDSTAND, which famously included a "play" about Burnley FC.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CUE MAMBO NUMBER FIVE!
CHARLES ENDELL ESQUIRE
(1979)
STV
ULTRA-VIOLENT BLOODFEST following exploits of titular ex-con porn peddler (IAIN CUTHBERTSON) in semi-sequel to BUDGIE. Basically, Charlie causing one hell of a roustabout on mean Glasgow streets. Fell off air thanks to ITV strike after just two episodes; relieved network bosses readily shelved remaining parts for ever. RIKKI FULTON and TONY OSOBA cleared up the mess.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FROM THE PEN OF ROBERT "BOOTLACE, OR WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS" BANKS-STEWART
CHARLES IN CHARGE
(1985-86)
CBS
MULTI-AVERAGE VEHICLE for a by now decidedly knackered-looking Chachi off of HAPPY DAYS, who played the title role of a lowly "houseboy" who was left..."in charge" of the kids in the house. And that was it. Bags of stunning wit and charm...failed to materialise. Ran for six years in the US. Ran out of steam after six months in the UK.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."CHARLES IN CHARGE/OF OUR DAYS/AND OUR NI-HIGHTS..." WENT THE NEEDLING SELF-WRITING THEME
CHARLIE'S ANGELS
(1977-82)
ABC
"ONCE UPON a time, there were three beautiful girls who went to the Police Academy, and they were each assigned very hazardous duties. But I took them away from all that and now they work for me. My name is Charlie..." And a right jammy bastard he was too. Concubines comprised, at first, KATE JACKSON (Sabrina), FARRAH FAWCETT-MAJORS (Jill) and JACLYN SMITH (Kelly), before Farrah quit to be replaced by CHERYL LADD (Kris). Same plot every week, which is what we all wanted: Angels assigned to glamorous location - a Swiss mountain resort, say, where they suddenly all acquired the ability to ice skate, or a tropical beach, where they suddenly all acquired the ability to surf. Someone would go undercover, impersonating a) a nuclear technician b) a test pilot or c) a sword swallower. Dopey guards outwitted. Dopey plotters unmasked. "Oh Charlie!"
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."THE HEALTH SPA IT IS!"
PART OF London Weekend Television's late eighties foray into upmarket drama (see POIROT and, er, COME HOME CHARLIE AND FACE THEM), for one brief series THE CHARMER became to SPITTING IMAGE what the FOOTBALL RESULTS were to DR WHO. As such all that most viewers knew about the programme was that it featured a steam train and a rendition of the Cole Porter classic 'You're The Top'. For those who tuned in a bit earlier though there was an opportunity to enjoy NIGEL "LATIMER" HAVERS combining suave and menace in a resolutely CLIVE OWEN-beating style. Never had a panama hat and cravat been combined in such devastating fashion - even FIONA FULLERTON failed to be immune to the Have's charms. The programme's opening title sequence employed that 1930s look so beloved of British telly drama in the late 80s (take a bow JEEVES AND WOOSTER) and hence became symbolic of the foppish sensibilities underpinning demographically focused British dramas of the era.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
"...AND COMING UP AFTER THE BREAK, IT'S THOSE SPITTING IMAGES"
CHARTERS AND CALDICOTT
(1985)
BBC
KEITH "HAPPY APPLE" WATERHOUSE revives the NIGHT TRAIN TO MUNICH cricket fanatic diplomats as present day bumbling retirees, who proceed to become entangled in intrigue and murder all over again.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ROBIN "POTTER" BAILEY AND MICHAEL "SEYMOUR" ALDRIDGE RODE THE POINTS
DEFTLY OBSCURE late-night women only (how daring!) blabathon realised and hosted by, who else, JANET STREET PORTER. PAMELA STEPHENSON was your frequent and typical gueat. La Porter claims sexism was the main reason why it didn't last. Real reason: it was crap.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."TYPICAL MAN! TYPICAL MAN! TYPICAL MAN! TYPICAL MAN!"
CHATEAUVALLON
(1986)
CHANNEL 4
.JPG)
DISEMBARK, IF you will, upon the verdant shores of Gaul where wine grows on trees, cocktail glasses chink on the hour every hour, and onions are worn as earrings. Here, the rich play hard, the very rich play harder, and the richest of all play Chris De Burgh. Welcome to CHATEAUVALLON, a readymade Dallas for the European Community, with feuding clans, press barons, gabbling women and gargling men. And it's all for you on Channel 4. Except it's in French. And you can watch either an appallingly dubbed version, or a clunking-subtitled one. A smash hit on the other side of La Manche. Mashed shit over here.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SEINE AS IT EVER WAS
GAME SHOW WITH (good grief) schools taking part. CHRIS KELLY presided over two teams of "kids", each taking it in turns to "chatter" about a given subject. Then they were judged by the celebrity panel, which, given it was an Anglia show, featured NICHOLAS PARSONS alongside (naturally) GYLES BRANDRETH and JENNY HANLEY. Point: unclear. Success: unmeasurable.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANY NORFOLK BROADS, GYLES?"
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