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JUST HOW DID all those tribes of native American Indians live so peacefully alongside the bluff lovable old coves of the 19th century US Cavalry? Through laughter, of course! KEN BERRY led the way as Captain Wilton Parmenter whose promotion was secured when ranks mistook a sneeze as "Charge!". Specially prepared ultra-barren wilderness canyons also peopled by LARRY STORCH (Corporal Randolph Agarn) and FORREST TUCKER (Sergeant Morgan O'Rourke).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THE SMELL OF AN ITV EARLY WEEKNIGHT
FACE LIFT
(1983)
CHANNEL 4/CENTRAL
THE PREMISE: in 2074, we're all going to be idle proles (Names), apart from those of us who happen to be among the technologically-literate elite Numbers), searching for a scientific proof of mankind's soul, and never the twain shall meet. Oh, and we'll burst into song at the merest opportunity, this being a musical. Only stage magician Zax (MARTIN SHAW in a blonde wig) will be able to break down the barriers between Names and Numbers by romancing cold-hearted scientist SUE JONES-DAVIES. Very much an of-its-time offering from former agitprop dramatist and David Hare collaborator TONY BICAT (with, as ever, his brother Nick providing the score), now doomed to raise snide chuckles via its combination of unashamedly '80s hair, the all-white costumes, rock opera lyrics about soul, love and test tubes, laser light tunnels and clomping choreography. A relic from a more earnest, on-the-nose era of drama. Best not judge too harshly, but that said, if Central didn't bury a tape of this in a time capsule, we want to know why.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...JOHN LE MESURIER LEANT HIS PIPES TO PROCEEDINGS
REDOUBTABLE CROTCHET'N'QUAVER quizzery, called to order by the unflappable JOSEPH COOPER and populated with JOYCE GRENFELL, ROBIN RAY, RICHARD BAKER and numerous visiting players. Unashamedly difficult and obscure, with endless diversions into pompous anecdotage ("You know, I'll never forget Toscanini's remark upon concluding a rehearsal of Mahler's Songs Of The Earth...") and back-slappery ("An answer a brisk and brusque as your recent sparkling rendition of Beethoven's Eroica!"). Best bit was always when Joseph would turn to his "silent piano", a specially-adapted keyboard upon which he would play famous tunes but from which came no noise. Panellists had to guess the piece of music by the movement of his fingers alone - a preposterous challenge which, even more preposterously, teams often got right. One time Joseph cut loose and started miming playing an invisible lute, much to contestant PATRICK MOORE's wild-eyed bemusement.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...PRECIOUS LITTLE SOUND AND SOD ALL FURY
FACE TO FACE
(1959-62, 1995-97)
BBC
A GRUMPY JOHN FREEMAN (never seen) pelts doomed celebrities (in selfless close-up) with prurient questions about whether they cried as a child and whether they like HP Sauce. Encounters were preceded by a Gallery-style peruse through a portfolio of crap line drawings supposedly depicting the "essence" of that week's subject, a conceit that probably did more to scare the guest shitless than any of Freeman's interrogations. GILBERT HARDING blubbed, TONY HANCOCK gurned, ADAM FAITH philosophised, MARTIN LUTHER KING proselytised. Revived in the 90s with a looking-for-work JEREMY ISAACS on sticky-beak duties, entertaining the likes of KATE ADIE, KEN DODD, GERMAINE GREER and BOB MONKHOUSE.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
"...PLEASE EXCUSE ME, I SEEM TO HAVE GOT SOMETHING IN MY EYE"
"FOOTBALL ASSOCIATION Coaching, Tactics and Skills" is what it stood for. BOB WILSON and assorted footie stars play keepy-uppy and try to avoid ball-in-groin outtakes. Early morning Saturday slot ensured minimal audience.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AS MICHAEL OWEN SAYS: "I WAS TOO BUSY PLAYING FOOTBALL TO WATCH THE TELLY"
THE FAINTHEARTED FEMINIST
(1984)
BBC
PROFESSIONAL RED and sirer of luvvies LYNN REDGRAVE took centrestage in this Guardian-derived sitcom (hailing from Jill Tweedie's 'Martha' column). "Gentle" send-up of feminist extremism, i.e. whose turn is it to wash the dishes tonight? JONATHAN NEWTH and SARA SUGARMAN didn't know.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...JOAN SANDERSON PLAYED (OF COURSE) THE GRANNY
FAIRLY SECRET ARMY
(1984-86)
CHANNEL 4
GEOFFREY PALMER more or less exported Jimmy off of FALL AND RISE OF REGINALD PERRIN into Harry Truscott for this decent enough saga of incompetent right-wing rabblerousing militia full of more undesirables (in Hazza's eyes) than there are to fight in the "real" world. Terribly hush hush, don't you know. JEREMY SINDEN, LIZ FRASER and RAY WINSTONE among the "wet leftie feminist loonies".
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."TREACHEROUS CHAPS, WOMEN"
VARIATION ON textbook "anthology" format, this time with recurring elves/pixies overtures. Long forgotten, probably not missed. Rolling Stones, bizarrely, provided theme in shape of 'Through The Past Darkly'. BOB DISHY, PETER BONERZ and RICHARD LIBERTINI starred.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WHO THEY?
FALCON CREST
(1982-91)
LORIMAR
PREPOSTEROUS VINEYARD vagaries courtesy of shameless DALLAS rip off relocated to Napa, er, Tuscany Valley. Seemed to be on every afternoon on ITV for a period in the mid 80s. Horrible theme and horrible titles (helicoptered aerial antics above acres of boring wine plants). About a thousand people in the cast. LANA TURNER showed up at one point. Requisite posh Brit for Yank women to eye up: SIMON MCCORKINDALE.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."DAMMIT WOMAN, I KNEW THOSE GRAPES HAD BEEN PREMATURELY HARVESTED!"
THE FALL AND RISE OF REGINALD PERRIN
(1976-79)
BBC
SUPREME ROSSITER-ITIS. From the top: bored commuter (Len) lives in ghastly suburban bliss with wife Elizabeth (PAULINE YATES) and cat Ponsonby on Poet's Estate. Hapless lifeskill-lacking army brother Jimmy 'Major James Gordonstoun' Anderson (GEOFFREY "LAMB" PALMER) constantly pops round for sugar and the like ("bit of a cock-up on the catering front"). His daughter Linda (SALLY-JANE "NEWCOMERS" SPENCER) lives in profoundly revolting wedded bliss with pipe-smoking, winemaking hippie liberal Tom Patterson (initially TIM "PORTERHOUSE BLUE" PREECE, latterly LESLIE "JOHNNY BRIGGS' DAD" SCHOFIELD) instilling sickmaking Guardian values in their two small children, Adam ("I done biggies!") and Jocasta. His dropout other son (DAVID "SHANG-A-LANG" WARWICK) thankfully drops by only fitfully, looking for handouts to support his eternally fledgling acting career in a "Wedgwood Benn for Pope!" t-shirt. Len commutes every morning to the dilapidated confectionery empire Sunshine Desserts, run by bullet-headed, cliche-spouting go-getter Charles 'CJ' Jefferson (JOHN "DOOMWATCH" BARRON), with awful, Tony Blackburn-alike colleague Tony 'Great!' Webster (TREVOR "PROFESSIONALS" ADAM), even more awful, drippy colleague David Harris-Jones (BRUCE "STRANGERS" BOULD), lazy, hypochondriac company medic Gerald 'Doc' Morrissey (JOHN "HOT METAL" HORSLEY) and vivacious temptress of a personal secretary Joan Greengross (SUE "RENTAGHOST" NICHOLLS). What to do in this repetitive hell, after a disastrous safari park excursion, an abortive affair with Joan, a dinnerless dinner party with the boss and dodgy uncle Percy Spillinger ("I say, what a lovely pair!") and numerous disturbing hallcinations, but to fake one's own suicide (in flute-led Brighton front titles) and, after a brief stint on a pig farm, return as bearded, long-lost relative Martin Wellbourne (having spent time in the Amazon basin), and woo Elizabeth all over again, while earning a menial wage at a sewage farm as bucktoothed Donald Potts? Plan soon uncovered by first Linda, then Elizabeth, and Reggie returns as himself once more. Sacked by CJ, he returns to the pig farm. Elizabeth gets a job at Sunshine Desserts. CJ comes onto her, clumsily. Reggie gets sacked. So does Elizabeth. Out of desperation, Grot, a shop selling 100% rubbish (square hoops, Tom's wine, his dentist's pictures of the Algarve), is born. It's a success. Ex-Sunshine employees are poached. In fact, everyone. Including CJ. Having built a success from nothing, Reggie is intent on destroying it again. He fails. Back to where they started, again, Reggie and Elizabeth go off to Brighton, and return as Mr and Mrs Gossamer. The novelty, again, wears off. The idea of Perrins, a commune for the disenfranchised suburban middle-classes, is born. Jimmy, Tom, David, Joan, Doc, CJ etc. are predictably employed. It, predictably, becomes a success. It angers the local community of, er, suburban middle-classes. Violent attacks force it to close. Reggie gets a job at Amalgamated Aerosols, run by suspiciously familiar FJ, alongside the suspiciously familiar Muscroft ("Marvellous!") and Rosewall ("Teriffic!"). Back where he started, again, again, what else is there to do, but...
A case of diminishing returns, to be sure, but repetitiveness was, of course, the point, and in present age of would-be "dark" sitcom bollocks, it's worth remembering how this ace DAVID NOBBSfest created an incredibly depressing world (many of the early episodes end with Rossiter, alone, screaming in despair - hardly an audience-rousing "you have been watching" punchline) out of the archetypal cheery, harmless sitcom cliches, a feat only equalled by the similarly exceptional EVER DECREASING CIRCLES. 1996 Rossiterless revival was, naturally, appalling.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."HAVE A NICE DAY AT THE OFFICE" "I WON'T!" "I DIDN'T GET WHERE I AM TODAY..." "GREAT!" "SUPER!" " 22 MINUTES LATE, JOAN, TRAIN WAS DELAYED ETC..." "NOT REALLY A (WHATEVER) SORT OF PERSON" "CARDS ON THE TABLE CITY, ARIZONA" "MARVELLOUS!" "TERRIFIC!" "CIGAR? (FART) LIGHTER? (FART) ASHTRAY? (FART)" AND THE LETTERS FALLING OFF THE SUNSH NE ESS ERT SIGN, TENNYSON AVENUE ETC., AND THE MOTHER-IN-LAW HIPPO ROUTINE
HE WAS, as he kept telling us, the unknown stuntman, who makes Eastwood look so fine. He was also a bounty-hunter in his spare time, whence came his action-packed adventures. Films like The Stuntman and Hooper loomed large in the background. LEE MAJORS was Colt Seavers, who'd never spent much time in school, but he'd taught ladies plenty. It's true he hired his body out for pay... He'd been on fire with Sally Field, blown up for Raquel Welsh, but somehow they just didn't end up with him. In fact, though he'd been on fire in the movies and TV, the hardest thing he ever did was watch his leading ladies with some other guy while he was bandaging his knee. A sort of "unsung hero/loner" theme developing here... He might jump an open drawbridge, he might roll a brand new car, but he's the unknown stuntman who made Redford such a star.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BUT WHEN HE ENDS UP IN THE HAY, IT'S ONLY HAY... A-HEY HEY!
FOLLOWING ALAN PARKER'S shouty 1980 big screen sweatband-and-leggings bonanza, here came more high-kicking high-falutin' histrionics from life at New York's School For The Performing Arts, "where fame costs and right here's where you start paying." All your cliches were here: enthused wannabes to prima donna drama toffs, more popular students comprising sullen street dancer Leroy, synth-playing nerd Bruno, aspiring singer/comedienne Doris and studiously boring cellist Julie. Always way more popular in Britain than in the US, 'Kids From Fame' franchise milked the lucrative cow of transatlantic success with such hits as Hi-Fidelity and Starmaker. Fostered a ludicrous desire on the part of revolting stage school brats to take the showbiz glitterati by storm. DANI BEHR, JENNY POWELL: remember their name, remember, remember...
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ASIDE FROM JANET JACKSON, NONE OF VER KIDS WORKED AGAIN
THE FAME GAME
(1985)
CHANNEL 4
BASICALLY THE latest new NEW FACES since the last one, with ex-GIDEON TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR and ex-celebrity STAN "JEEEEMANS!" BOARDMAN introducing shit stand-ups and wanky singers. Novelty came in shape of supposed "interactive TV", in that a "cross-section of the public" (i.e. about a hundred homes) had a voty-button thing for each act.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WE'RE GIVING YOU THE POWER THE DECIDE WHO STAYS...AND WHO GOES." NAH, THAT'LL NEVER CATCH ON.
FAMILY FORTUNES
(1980-2002)
ATV/CENTRAL
YEAH YEAH, "turkey" and all that, but there was much more to it than that. An American format, it was brought to British screens by WILLIAM G STEWART, who moaned that only ten thousand families bothered to apply for the first run. LORD BOB MONKHOUSE was in charge originally, heralded by some mental violins and brandishing a stopwatch when he demanded contestants "Name it!". Lovely touches abounded, not least the fact that the winners got a colour photo marking their day, while the losers only got a black and white one. Talk about rubbing it in. Bob did a hundred shows but when he innocently said, "Here's to a hundred more, eh?" to Central's Head of Light Entertainment at the party, only to be met with, "Oh, I doubt it", he decided to bail out. In his place came MAX BYGRAVES, who turned out to be a complete disaster, with the man himself admitting he was far too slow and lumbering to keep the excitement up, never mind the fact he never listened to anything anyone said ("Jimmy McFee!"). Normal service was resumed, however, when LES DENNIS took over in 1987. A colour Mister Babbage came with him, but nobody liked it, so the old one came back again, and Les kept things running smoothly for over a decade - same "funny" answers, same silly dances when the families were introduced, same prizes (like the Agatha Christie Murder Weekend), same "Ooh 'eck!" face from Les at the end when the winners kissed him. And still nobody passed when they were invited to play or pass. The only innovation came with the offer of a car or holiday if the winning family got all the top answers, and bafflingly every single family chose the car, however that could be shared between five people. However it all came to a sad end, when it was moved to daytimes. Les quit and was replaced by the charmless ANDY COLLINS, who was rubbish and the only memorable moment of his reign of terror came when some girl's tit fell out of her top, which has been repeated on Channel Five every five seconds since.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...RE-APPEARED ON ITV IN 2006 WITH ANDY COLLINS STILL INVOLVED...AS THE WARM-UP MAN
DOCU-SOAP BEFORE they'd been invented, and indeed, the best one ever made. Lives of the Wilkins family of Reading laid bare for all to see. The mother was an old bag armed with a rolling pin and a nice line in vicious put-downs. Her attempts to subjugate the rest of the family were usually met with a combination of apathy and stubborn resistance and her husband would arrive home from driving buses to find everyone fighting and his tea in the dog. The kids (neither of which were his) comprised a surly blonde daughter who was engaged to a "wholly unsuitable" local lad with bad habits and a Zapata moustache and a monkey-faced pre-pubescent son who deserved sympathy rather than blame. Despite being representative sample of millions of households around the country, the Great British Public rose up in droves to protest before rushing to their newsagents to buy copies of the papers the day after the son got married. The missus turned up on WOGAN in the mid-80s to reveal everyone had since split up. Obviously the media, not the state of Ma Wilkins' cooker, was to blame.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...PAUL WATSON, MASTERMIND BEHIND IT ALL, RECYCLED TRICK DOWN UNDER FOR SYLVANIA WATERS
THE FAMOUS FIVE
(1978-79)
SOUTHERN
UPDATED (FOR which read trainers, Parkas and slacks) Blytonia with much-bastardised theme song. Julian, Dick and Anne got fried up in a pan, or run over by a van etc. Each episode more or less the same. Gang sniff trouble in the air. Amassing of evidence involves running through lots of flower-capped fields. Ruffians threaten to kidnap dog. Upper class chieftains threaten to "put you lot in your place". Local coppers arrive in nick of time, "though I can't see we at the station approve of this kind of thing, y'know."
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...GARY "DARK TOWERS" RUSSELL WAS DICK
GURNEY SLADE-ESQUE gumption from pen of Sid Green, with DAVE KING and JOE MARCELL as the eponymous vagrants living mostly inside their heads talking to statues and Space Invader machines.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ADDLED
"HE'S NOT your average teenage kid - unless you call a kid who turns into a wacky werewolf average!" Well, of course, you wouldn't, would you? And therefore, neither was he. Basically, Scooby Doo with the dog becoming a bloke now and again. Actually, less a wolf than a Tasmanian Devil Warners rip-off with a baseball cap. After this effort, Spears went off to manufacture board games, and Ruby shot Lee Harvey Oswald.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WOLF HAD TRADEMARK "WHOEOEERWGWGHHGGGGARGH!" CATCHNOISE, READYMADE FOR PLAYGROUND IMPERSONATION
FANTASTIC JOURNEY
(1977)
COLUMBIA
BIZARRO BERMUDA Triangle adventures with a shipwrecked crew in the aforementioned polygon encountering future man-aliens, pirates, green fog and RODDY MACDOWELL. Starred Jared Martin, he of the tight perm and mispronounced first name. Show opened with about 15 people studying the Bermuda Triangle on a boat - including IKE EISMANN, his TV Dad, two blonde ladies - one of them being SUSAN HOWARD from DALLAS - your obligatory black jive-talkin' dude, and a few others. Landing on the island they encounter Jared, who bizarrely is dressed as a caveman and had a tuning fork thing weapon. First you think he's bad, but Jared saves the team from some menacing buccaneers and gets a haircut/perm. Then they split into two groups, but both ended up at a big tower block in the desert - could be Atlantis?? This is where the pilot ended, and when the show started proper. Dad and the women got sent home by the Atlanteans (or the network didn't want them) and Jared, Ike etc. almost had their brains sucked by a big brain but where saved by a new women who could turn into a cat. We found out that the crew were in a big island that was separated by time barriers that made them fizzle and beam into a new zone the next week. Format was now: beam into zone, meet and overcome obstacle of the week (one being Joan Collins) and then beam out. Roddy McDowell, as rascally android maker, joined up after week three or something. They never made it home.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FANTASTIC IN THE PEJORATIVE SENSE
FANTASTIC VOYAGE
(1976)
FILMATION
THIS, ON the other hand, was an animated knock-off of the Racquel Welch-baiting original film, with a variety of missions involving a shrinky little sub. None of the original cast - obviously - transferred, although with with an eyepatch-wearing ship's captain and who needed them? Animation to the usual Filmation standard, ie. pretty stiff and poor.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...GURU'S TELEKENISIS ALWAYS SAVED THE DAY, OF COURSE: "GURU, CAN YOU BREAK THROUGH THEIR DEFENCES AND GET US OUT OF HERE?" [CLASPS HEAD IN INTENSE CONCENTRATION] "I WILL...TRY!"
FANTASY ISLAND
(1978-85)
AARON SPELLING
AND THIS, on the other hand (yes, that makes three hands, but this is fantasy we're talking about) found well trodden millionaire-on-island (RICARDO MONTALBAN) granting wishes to other sodding millionaires-fest. Drama not a strong point. Fantasies included "having lunch with Charlie's Angels". Show included first comedy Sikh.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ODD JOB SHOWED UP AS TITCHY "DE PLANE, BOSS!" TATTOO BLOKE
FARMHOUSE KITCHEN
(1971-84)
YORKSHIRE
NOT TO BE confused with the indoors-outdoors KITCHEN GARDEN. DOROTHY SLEIGHTHOLME pottered around the said establishment - despite the camera never straying from the worksurface - taking biscuits out of ovens and chopping up pre-blender-days leeks to make soup. Decidedly pre-fitness-oriented recipes abounded (Cheese and Cream, Beer and Pop, Jams, Jellies and Curds) as well as Economical Meat Dishes: "Liver and hearts are not to everyone's taste, but with careful cooking they can be delicious as a well as extremely nourishing. Today, Dorothy Sleightholme offers a Hampshire recipe for Liver Puffs, and Love in Disguise, a dish from Herefordshire using stuffed hearts. For those who have not tried offal, there is Aberdeen Loaf and, using a recipe from Warwickshire, an excellent way to cook belly of pork with tomatoes". Occasional appearances by home brew expert side-kick ALAN BRIGGS gave invaluable advice for thirteen year-olds with illicit barrels of Tom Caxton's stashed in the garden shed. Thrifty cook BIDDY CLAYTON also cropped up, demonstrating the art of feeding a family of eight with a three pound chicken. PEGGY MILLS and FARMER'S WIFE MRS ANNE WALLACE also appeared. It wasn't altogether afraid to change with the times; by 1983, vegetarian SARAH BROWN was tentatively allowed onto the premises. Neither as energetic as THE GALLOPING GOURMET, nor GARDENER'S WORLDfor that matter, it nevertheless retained an olde worlde '70s charm and a wonderful "dip-doodle-oodle-dee-dah" jazz theme tune. Second helpings came courtesy of THE HOME COOKERY CLUB.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."AND PLEASE, PLEASE, ALWAYS REMEMBER TO FLOUR YOUR ROLLING PIN"
FARRINGTON OF THE F.O.
(1986-87)
YORKSHIRE
AVERAGE AMBASSADORCOM with ANGELA "MR TYLER!" THORNE as the eponymous Foreign Office consul in unidentified and unsettled state hell bent on revolutions et al. Tossy, unhelpful colleague played by JOHN "COME TO NEW ZEALAND WITH ME, RITA" QUAYLE, though his suntan was almost certainly real. Plaudits gained for never relying on stereotype when depicting the locals.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...TONY HAYGARTH AND JOAN SIMS CO-STARRED AS DIPLOMATIC BAGS
"WATCH ME on the video," went the wholly unrelated theme: not the best warning of what was to come, which wasn't "me" or "video" but the likes of NICK "LIB" WILTON, FLOELLA "FIVE" BENJAMIN, JOANNA "THAT'S" MUNRO, ANDREW "CHIPS" SECOMBE and KATE "WIZ" COPSTICK doing gagz while ROBERT "DAEWOO" HARLEY was humerous alien Milton Keenze. Initially took prized 5.35pm slot on BBC2 before "graduating" to the big channel. Annoying clown mascot drove great VT desk during the titles. Unseen Digbyesque pet called "Tiny" also featured - or at least his eight foot water dish did.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NO RELATION TO MAGAZINE OF SAME NAME, PERHAPS WISELY
FAT MAN IN THE KITCHEN
(1984)
CHANNEL 4
TOM VERNON was the rotund, bearded gastronaut, sharing camera with large cat awkwardly (to say nothing of gallopingly unhygenically) plonked on worksurface amidst the tomatoes, hock of ham and wild strawberries. FAT MAN ON A BICYCLE followed.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AT LEAST WE NEVER HAD FAT LADIES ON A BICYCLE. OH WAIT A MINUTE...
FATHER, DEAR FATHER
(1968-73)
THAMES
MIDDLE CLASS MITHERING from put-upon pater PATRICK CARGILL, camp old duffer novelist always in a flap, who passed through life with a literary agent called Georgie and two blonde daughters, Anna (NATASHA PYNE) and Karen (ANN HOLLOWAY), both helpless rich. Tons of guest stars also showed up, including DONALD SINDEN (inevitably), JUNE WHITFIELD (delightfully), LESLIE PHILLIPS (smarmily), RICHARD O'SULLIVAN (caddishly) and HUGH PADDICK (hopelessly).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...LATER SHIPPED TO DO TIME DOWN UNDER, LIKE CONVICTS
LITTLE-KNOWN TRY-OUT for ANDREW "MEET THE MAGOONS" SACHS.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."MORE STRIKES, I SEE"
"WHERE DO BIRDS GO TO DIE?" "Was ration Britain a better Britain?" These and other profound - well, profoundly pointless - questions were ostensibly "received" by hosts BILL ODDIE, BILLY BUTLER and WENDY LIVESY/DEBBIE RIX from the public. Classic 80s set found them all perched on chrome stools in front of a tittering audience who were promptly terrorised into silence during a "serious bit", i.e. JOHN NOAKES coming in to blub that Shep had died. "Gimme fax!" yelled the theme tune, dementedly. Give us Erinsborough, yelled the nation.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AND THEY SURELY GOT IT
THE FEATHER AND FATHER GANG
(1976)
ABC
FORTIES CRIME capers, kind of spun off from the The Sting, with Harold Gould (white-haired chap from the film) as a reformed conman and his daughter STEPHANIE "HART TO HART" POWERS as some kind of lawyer. Somehow every week, Gould would have to come out of retirement and con somebody to see that justice was served.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ALSO STARRED JOHN "BLAKE CARRINGTON" FORSYTHE
THE FEATHERED SERPENT
(1976)
THAMES
DREARY STUDIO-BOUND ancient Mexico-based romp through curses, secret passages and much shaking of sticks at angry Gods. Skirt-wearing evil priest PATRICK TROUGHTON brought much havoc upon heads of wise peaceful civilians including permanently chilly-looking DIANE KEEN.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...KIDS GOT KILLED TOO, WHICH WAS A BIT UNNECESSARY
NEAR-PROTOTYPE FOR the soon-to-follow HOWARD'S WAY, in that both featured a craggy outdoors type with limited social skills struggling to turn their hobby into a viable business proposition as well as coping with love interest JAN HARVEY. In this one she was a doctor nursing injured rock climber DAVID HAYMAN who wanted to run Outward Bound courses for business executives. NEIL PHILLIPS was the villain trying to thwart him for some reason that now escapes us. The word boring doesn't.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FINAL CONFRONTATION PREDICTABLY ON A CLIFF TOP
THE FENN STREET GANG
(1971-73)
LWT
ALL YOUR PLEASE, SIR! favourites brought back for your viewing pleasure via inconsequential, delinquent ex-pupil spin-off. Frankie Abbott (now hilariously calling himself 'Hank'), Duffy, Sharon, Maureen, Dennis and Craven all present and correct. Teachers reappeared every now and again to remind us what the point was.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AVERAGE AGE OF THE CAST: 35
FIVE MINUTE cartoon fillers featuring recidivist wooden fish swimming in a river with swishy cellophane plants. Plotline rarely changed: Fergus's mother (equipped with long lacy trailing bits) would leave, and give him a list of things not to do while she was out, to which he would reply "Yes mummy, No, mummy" in a burbly, must-be-a-fish voice. Then when she was gone, he'd do them all and get in trouble again.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FRANKIE HOWERD "AND THEY SWAM AND THEY SWAM RIGHT OVER THE DAM" THEME TUNE, FOR SOME REASON
FIFTEEN TO ONE
(1988-2004)
CHANNEL 4
WILLIAM G STEWART moved seamlessly from ITV sitcom producer and PRICE IS RIGHT pink tracksuit-wearing warm-up ubergrupenfuehrer to high spec quizmaster on superior Channel 4 when-COUNTDOWN-wasn't-on gameshowery. Was very much all about the questions, the contestants' names read out in an opening roll call while they were pictured as if about to receive a death sentence. On walks William G to remind us how many questions, most of which he wrote, there are and where the former winner is placed, and off we go. The best shows were always those that left time at the end before William got to animatedly take the winner through the remaining questions in silhouette, because that meant bits of business clearing up queries about the wording of previous questions, trivia about trends in show winners, a chance to see a question card for ourselves and a continual fascination with the Elgin Marbles, even extending as far as a lengthy summary of the case and later a faux-special edition as part of a WITHOUT WALLS strand that both attracted the attention of the Broadcasting Standards Council. They ended up doing a special editions, FIFTEEN TO ONE SCRAPBOOK, in 1999 that only ever seemed to be repeated when the cricket ended early, among other things giving us a chance to see voiceover nabob and Susie Dent of the semicircle Laura, who it turned out on the last show is the present Mrs Stewart. The only show that gave away antique earthenware as series prizes. William's range of catchprases ("I think the standard gets higher every year!"; "go away, enjoy the summer holidays and come back and see us in the autumn") were never destined to catch on, though.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."NO CHILDREN, PLEASE"
WORKMANLIKE DOCO following exploits of several RAF recruits, plucked from daily life just like you and me.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ONE WAS A MILKMAN, ANOTHER WANTED TO JOIN BECAUSE, ER, HE LIKED THE UNIFORM
FILM BUFF OF THE YEAR
(1982)
BBC
ROTTEN CELLULIOD anal marathon, summed up in Kenny Everett/Mel Smith spoof. After showing cowboys/Indians battle from some western or other, Ken would ask how many Indians there were in the clip. Mel answers correctly (in the hundreds); part 2 was to name them. Which he did. "All correct, but no points. Because no-one likes a smart arse" quoth Ken. Aye to that.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ROBIN RAY ROLLED THE TAPE
PRE-EMPTING ROLF and his giant marker pens, here was SIR DEREK GRIFFITHS as manager, commissionaire, Reg the projectionist, Doreen the usherette and, of course, himself, holding forth on nine-point rule plan for Roadrunner cartoons and the like.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."YOU WANT ME TO WHAT? TO SHOW THE CARTOON? OH ALRIGHT THEN..."
FILTHY, RICH AND CATFLAP
(1987)
BBC
ENERVATING ELTONIANA starring three quarters of the Young Ones as a trio of South London losers - Ralph Filthy (not "Filthy Ralph"), a seedy and shite theatrical agent (NIGEL PLANER); Richie Rich, aka RIK MAYALL playing himself, a "resting" actor; and Eddie Catflap, aka ADRIAN EDMONSON playing himself, a psychowanker. Lasted six episodes, then was taken off due to "violence" complaints, but only because they had a better effects budget than before, so when an axe went through a postman's head it looked more realistic.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."PISS OFF, POSTIE!" "TARBY, BRUCEY, LYNCHY, TOMMY O'CONNORY..." "THOSE CANDLES BURN DOWN QUICKLY!" ETC.
FINDERS KEEPERS
(EARLY-MID 1980s)
BBC
AHOY THERE! STILGOE on the starboard bow! Not Rich's finest hour, admittedly, reduced as he was to mere quiz show host rather than pithy piano-wielding minstrel or whimsy wizard. Proceedings not helped by contestants comprising snotty grammar school kids playing computer battleship, though at least they always looked twats having to go "Foxtrot four!" and "Charlie seven!". Does pick up some pity points, though, thanks to - yes! - Stilgoe-composed theme played live on Yamaha keyboard (which the man had fitted in his nifty customised presenter-desk) and sung heartily by author himself.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."ALPHA, BRAVO, CHARLIE, DELTA, ECHO, FOXTROT AND GOLF!"
BEST DESCRIBED as MAY TO DECEMBER minus that programme's calendar-themed-age-difference twist. A FINE ROMANCE featured real-life couple JACKANORY's JUDI DENCH and MICHAEL "LOOKS LIKE A BED-WETTER" WILLIAMS playing a pair of nice, middle-class bachelor/ettes who gradually get it together. The epitome of nice sitcommery of the type that mums enjoy and insist on getting to watch via the tactic of describing it as "my programme" and "the only thing that I want to watch on telly all week". About the most raucous thing that would happen in any given episode was the slightly grating theme tune that we reckon was sung by Dench herself. It had the smell of Sunday evenings and that was where it was shown, until the last year when it went out on Fridays instead - a terrible piece of scheduling that must have been done after Grade left LWT.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WITH NO KISSES
CHEAPO HIPPY puppetahon courtesy of one-man creative maelstrom (see MAELSTROM) RICK JONES, aka Yoffy. Our host would sit a trestle table in grey poloneck in front of minimalist blue background and proceed to converse with various characters he'd devised from gloves and pieces of card, ping-pong balls. In other words, Yoffy lifted a finger, and a mouse (Fingermouse - rapid, self-absorbed grey upstart - "Fingermouse/Fingermouse/I am a sort of wondermouse/A hit, a miss/A blundermouse/Fingermouse, that's me/I am a mouse called Fingermouse/A mouse with guts and nerve/I get past cats so easily with my famous body swerve") was there. Put his hands together, and a seagull (Gulliver - tuneless singer, least popular character - "I like to flyyyy/And spread my wiiiiings/Above the rooves and trees/And then to gliiiide down/Down onto the sea/Fold my wings behind my back/And float just like a boooooat..." or something) took the air. Yuffy lifted another finger, and a scampi darted about ("My name is Scampi/ Scampi that's me/ I live in a hole in the sand/ By the sea-eeee!" - constantly cooing to its five camp and glittery cohorts "Oh girrr-rrlls!" played by the five fingers of Jones' spare hand). Yuffy bent another, and a tortoise head peeped out (Flash - "Slowly/Steadily/Moving at my own pace/They call me Flash/Though I don't dash/Who wants to run a race?/As long as I get theeeeere/Why worry?/What's the hurry?/Uuuuuuuuuuhhhh...."), a narcoleptic version of Magic Roundabout's Dylan, "special shell" detatched for carrying stuff. Then they all went off to collect stuff for use in the story at the end. As usual, the journey was better than the arrival. Cost an average of fifty pounds an episode. Recession-beating genius!
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...HIS HANDS WERE MADE FOR MAKING, AND MAKING THEY MUST DO
RICKETY ANDERSON Supermarionation saga charting the rather too whimsical adventures of Captain Steve Zodiac, Doctor Venus, "comedy" mad scientist Matt Matic, irritating Robbie the Robot ("On our way 'ome!") and the completely and utterly irritating freak monkey thing The Lazoon ("Howdyyyy fooooolkssss!"). Titular rocket always took off on a kind of ski-ramp over a cliff, forcing the senseless wastage of a huge trolley flung over the side each time.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...DON SPENCER-CROONED THEME ("I WISH I WAS A SPACEMAN/THE FASTEST GUY ALIVE...") A TOP 40 HIT. NOT TOP 30, THOUGH.
CENTREPIECE OF week long, decade-defining, all-star, all-channel Aidsathon, this MIKE SMITH-fronted Friday night special featured JONATHAN ROSS giving his fledgling career a leg up by demonstrating how to put a sheath on a banana and EMMA FREUD interviewing the chairman of Jiffi condoms. Just the sort of thing that 14-year-olds can enjoy watching with their parents with absolutely no embarrassment on anyones part. Smith to resident boffin: "If we were all to come back in 10 years time, how many of the audience would still be alive?" Erasure and Alison Moyet provided musical entertainment. Don't die of ignorance.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THE VITAL THING TO REMEMBER IS THAT AIDS CAN AFFECT ALL OF US - NOT JUST GAY MEN
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