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UNTROUBLING UNCTIONS from a MARTI CAINE trying to make everyone forget about her cabaret credentials and instead concentrate on her acting acumen. Failure followed on both fronts, chiefly due to this being a rubbishcom wherein our ditzy heroine struggles to "keep it together" as a rotten researcher for pretend rotten company Eagle Television. Best bit: the pet bird voiced by PERCY EDWARDS.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."THE FIRST SERIES WAS ROTTEN" QUOTH MARTI WITH HINDSIGHT. WE COULD HAVE TOLD HER AS MUCH AT THE TIME, FRANKLY
MUCH-QUAKING-IN-THE-QUADS COURTESY of ANTHONY SHER in sideburns and revolting zippered tank top, bastard unpleasant sociology lecturer shagging his way through the female students of an anonymous redbrick learning mill. Obligatory topless ISLA "BOUNDER" BLAIR looked in
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...MALCOLM BRADBURY DID THE PAPERWORK
THE HITCH-HIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY
(1981)
BBC
POSH TOSSERS in dressing gowns travel through space on a towel to swap crap poetry in gravel pits with two-headed twats and robots like Kamelion off of DR WHO. Avuncular one off Just A Minute does the narration. Title sequence (astronaut tumbling through giant letter O) best bit.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SOME, NONE OR ALL OF THIS ENTRY MAY OR MAY NOT BE APPEARING ON THE PLANET VICISSITUS THREE IN ANOTHER PROFOUNDLY SMUG HALF-ARSED TV ADAPTATION JUST SEVEN EARTH DAYS FROM, OH, YOU GET THE POINT
QUITE POSSIBLY the dullest quiz show of all time. The case, m'lud. Exhibit A: your host, a post-TV-am, post-SPORTING TRIANGLES for fuck's sake, NICK OWEN. Exhibit B: the same set as CATCHPHRASE, right down to that spinning-thing-with-big-screen-and-desks. Exhibit C: a format in which the contestants were shown a 10-minute film about farming, flower arranging etc. a la STOP, LOOK, LISTEN and were then forced to answer observational questions about said footage. Jesus. Stupefyingly mind-numbing, and deservedly died a death opposite EASTENDERS every Tuesday night.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AS FOR THE TITULAR HIT MAN, FUCK KNOWS
HOMER SIMPSON-IDOLISING Hunathon involving dopey Nazi kommandants getting their arse kicked by wise-cracking wacky Yanks for 168,000 episodes. BOB CRANE led charge of the shite brigage.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...MADE BY "BING CROSBY PRODUCTIONS"
HOGG'S BACK
(1975-76)
SOUTHERN
KIDS SLAPSTICK teatime affair dispatching eponymous quack DEREK ROYLE into a tarantella of tedious Frank Spencer-esque scrapes, usually part-contrived by assistant JACKI PIPER, who regenerated mid-series into WENDY RICHARD, who regenerated between series into PAT COOMBS, to ever increasing indifference.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."DON'T BE RIDICULOUS, I KNOW PERFECTLY WELL HOW TO RIDE A...WOOOOOAAAAAHHHH!"
DON SPENCER puts words into the mouths of two shitty puppet doll things who are continually up to mischief.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...OF THE FORGETTABLE FIVE-MINUTE KIND, OF COURSE
CYNICOID YARN following fortunes of newspaper sports writer, miserable old DAVID "OMEN" WARNER, journeying from broadsheet to tabloid employ and having to forget long words in the process.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."ALL RIGHT THEN, I'LL TYPE IT TOPLESS. HOW'S THAT?"
HOLD THE FRONT PAGE
(1974)
THAMES
BRAZENLY BONKERS kids comedy from the loony pen of DENISE "DO NOT ADJUST" COFFEY wherein a bunch of pretend journos, including Denise, GERRY "PACEMAKERS" MARSDEN and ROY HUDD, arse about in front of massive CAPTAIN-ZEP-esque Chromakeyed comic-strip backgrounds while uncovering the truth at the heart of the Great Rug Scandal. Characters walked around with thought bubbles coming out of their heads.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...OBLIGATORY OXBRIDGE WHIMSY MUCH IN EVIDENCE, COURTESY OF NAMES R HERO, IAN TREPID AND GLORIA GLAMORSOX
WHO SAYS? Lamentable look-how-much-fun-we're-having wankery by way of the other side's attempt to rip-off CHEGGERS PLAYS POP (as if such a thing were possible, let alone desirable). Sole novelty value: lifesize vertical game of snakes and ladders set at Alton Towers. Sole switch-offable value: crappy guest bands (always Westworld).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ALWAYS RAINING AS WELL
HOLDING THE FORT
(1980-82)
LWT
DR WHO does sitcom! The same time as doing DR WHO on the other side! Cue a generation of short-trousered freaks being utterly baffled by sight of time-travelling hero moonlighting from Tardis for Marks & Gran-authored role-reversal antics. Multiple confusion then arises from MATTHEW KELLY, PATRICIA HODGE and KEITH BARRON turning up. Cue mum wondering what all the fuss is about and why Tristan Farnon is living in a two-up-two-down dump in suburbia. Cue dad wondering where the jokes are.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CUE PETER DAVIDSON CONSIDERING HIS OPTIONS
EVER-RELIABLE EARLY evening winter warmer which hoved into view every January, until perishing in a state much changed from its original, imperial incarnation. Began as demented Election results-esque affair with SIR CLIFF MICHELMORE helming proceedings in front of rows of telephonists and assistants "reporting" on up-to-the-second vacation palavers and package dealathons. Slowly mutated into more soft-focus, soft-centred soiree during the 70s, typified by - erk - breastage creeping into opening titles to the swinging guitar sounds of Gordon Giltrap. While Cliff idled in the studio, DAME ANNE GREGG and LORD JOHN CARTER packed their travelling chests and tote bags to fly the world armed only with a flimsy straw hat and a BOAC boarding pass. Much "first hand" experience of burgeoning bargain getaway bonanza and resort gold rush contrasted with "off the beaten track" forays into erstwhile colonies, always ending with a shot of our heroes enjoying a well-earned tipple on a hotel balcony in front of a glorious sunset. Show breezed into the 80s pretty much unchallenged, leaving the trash and the tacky to Judith Chalmers. Decade-defining jaunts courtesy of FRANK AND NESTA BOUGH on their annual motoring holiday in Pyrenees in a pea green Ford Fiesta. Programme became even more laid back when DES LYNAM took over and quota of celebrity charmers "sampling the delights" of exotic beaches reached dizzying levels. 1990s saw inevitable slide thanks to obsession with famous faces fannying about in ludicrously expensive places, culminating in bone-chilling sight of ROLAND RIVRON and family trying to sell virtues of the African outback.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."THIS WILL COST YOU AND YOUR FAMILY 59 POUNDS FOR TWO NIGHTS HALF-BOARD, FLYING FROM LONDON AIRPORT ON TUESDAY WEEK"
HOLIDAY ON ICE
(LATE 1970s, INEVITABLY)
BBC
WUSSES IN leotards leap about on frozen water in name of family entertainment as Whitley Bay Ice Rink becomes infused with glitter-costumed gallumphing to endless disco beats. Bundled out by cash-strapped Beeb, usually during early afternoon wasteground of Christmas/Easter break.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FUCKING SHOW-OFFS
HOLLYWOOD OR BUST
(1984)
THAMES
THE ONE stain on Brucie's CV. Apart from BIG NIGHT, that is. And THE PRICE IS RIGHT, which was beneath him. Oh, and TAKEOVER BID, which nobody understood, not even Bruce. Still, this had plenty of scope for on-camera mithering and mincing, which is what the public wanted. Except not in the form of endless film parodies and members of the public trying to upstage their host.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BAD GAME
HOLMES AND YO YO
(1976-77)
NBC
AH YES, the old "hard-bitten cop teams up with experimental robot" schtick. Except...with attitude! Shambles of a shit series with RICHARD B. SHULL as DS Alexander Holmes and JOHN SCHUCK his sassy android cohort DS Gregory Yoyonovich.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."HALF-HUMAN IS BETTER THAN NO HUMAN!"
HOME COOKERY CLUB
(EARLY 1980s)
ITV
TEN-MINUTE MID-AFTERNOON morsel. Two unseen presenters (eager-but-useless man, down-to-earth, resourceful woman) did simple recipies without their faces ever being revealed. Easy-to-and-fro banter ("Now for the eggs!" "Oh, can I do that?") kept up effortless charade for easy couple of years.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SIMMERING GENTLY
JIM "CAMERON" DAVIDSON is still Jim London, whose Cockney tosserdom from UP THE ELEPHANT AND ROUND THE CASTLE dropped a bearable notch in this other-half-live spin-off, set in a businessman's stately home with London hired as live-in chauffeur after mogul GEORGE "THE SUPER" SEWELL loses his driving licence. Two focal points for Davidson - an unrequited flirtation with prodigal daughter "Miss" Sarah ("James is a chauffeur with a difference!"), and a battle of wits with snobbish butler Henry, played by HARRY "TOTTERING" TOWB. Script avoided pandering to Davidsonisms and as such it was of a decent standard, with London becoming more perceptive and right-thinking in his plusher surroundings, though four series was too many, especially when half the supporting cast of servants (including SHERRIE "THE ANSWER'S YES, CURLY!" HEWSON as the cook) were ditched in a plotline of the boss going bust. A fifth run would have been made but for Davidson's defection to the BBC for snooker-related reasons.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
"I'M FROM MANILA! WHERE THE ENVELOPES COME FROM!"
A HOME OF YOUR OWN
(1965)
BRITISH LION (NOT THE EGGS)
YET ANOTHER pre-decimal diversion and faithful big screen supporting flick. Dopey young couple choose "dream home", then sit back while various calamities beset the construction courtesy of RONNIE BARKER, RICHARD BRIERS, JANET BROWN, PETER BUTTERWORTH and BERNARD CRIBBINS as the sculptor carving the dedication block with much failed attempts due to prying eyes.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...INSCRIPTION FINALLY READ: "THE MONEY FOR THIS ERECTION WAS RAISED BY PUBLIC CONTRIBUTION" - EXCEPT HE MISSED OUT THE "L"...
HOME TO ROOST
(1985-90)
YORKSHIRE
GOLD STANDARD mid-evening goofery with none-more-80s "sit" involving a grumpy JOHN THAW having to put up with layabout son REECE DINSDALE singularly failing to find his own place and regularly succeeding in thwarting his old man's quest for a nice bit of peace and quiet. Stellar opening sequence saw big on-screen title letters "flying" over London city-scape a la WOGAN to a nifty electro-fied version of 'Consider Yourself' (all slap bass and wah wah brass). Instant cut to the cheapest, dirtiest and sparsest of all ITV sitcom sets confirmed suspicion that all the money had been spent on the titles, but no matter. Every episode revolved around John getting irked by Reece bringing home a) a new girlfriend b) a new hairstyle c) a new obsession such as learning to drive or acting; followed John getting to really rather appreciate the merits of a), b) and c) so long as they're not too loud and don't spoil his bergonias; followed by Reece taking umbrage and storming out; followed by John feeling guilty and confiding in busybody cleaner Enid; followed by one or other holding some kind of party/gathering in the house to which the other isn't invited but shows up anyway; followed by the pair sitting at opposite ends of the sofa at the end of the night trading coy insults; followed by John pulling a will-he-never-learn face and going to bed. Repetition was the key, making for endlessly reassuring, dependable suburbacom.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."YOU ARE NOT GOING OUT DRESSED LIKE THAT. YOU'RE NOT COMING IN DRESSED LIKE THAT EITHER!"
HOME VIDEO
(1984)
CHANNEL 4/LIMEHOUSE
BARGAIN BIN trio of plays shot on cheapola video equipment and themed on the same. First came Home Video, a one-take family rumpus filmed entirely on a crap camera PATRICIA ROUTLEDGE and COLIN BLAKELY; next, CQ, much graphical messing with MICHAEL ELPHICK becoming obsessed with a Spectrum-style toy; finally, Tropical Moon Over Dorking, with Mills and Boon writer PAULINE COLLINS "conjuring up" real romantic lovers on word processor (including NICKY "HAPPY APPLE" HENSON) via some brilliantly dodgy effects.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME
HOMICIDE
(1964-76)
CRAWFORD PRODUCTIONS
ANTIPODEAN SLEUTHING that basically pioneered the entire Aussie film and TV industry. Textbook 'tec business with characters in porkpie hats and starched spats "cleaning up the town", first in black and white with no outside sound and wobbly sets, then in glorious technicolour.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...TONKED
CORONATION STREET-BRUISER, originally called Market In Honey Lane, a title that conveniently set out the stall (ho ho) of what followed: to wit, much Cockernee faluting and faffing amongst the fruit and veg, with the likes of JOHN BENNETT, MICHAEL GOLDEN, RAY "ROSIE" LONNEN, DERREN NESBITT and GABRIEL WOOLF mouthing off about corns and the cost of living. Topped and tailed by breezy harmonica-piano signature tune and credits which rolled over negatives of the Soho pages of the A to Z.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AXED BY LEW GRADE AT BEHEST OF CORRIE BIGWIGS
HONG KONG PHOOEY
(1975)
HANNA-BARBERA
WHO IS THIS SUPER HERO? Sarge (voice of JOE E. "RITZIG" ROSS)? No. Rosemary the telephone operator? No. Penry (Pooch), the mild-mannered janitor? "Could be..." Cue Will and Joe at the peak of their powers with - yikes - a blaxploitation piss-take involving dog Penry (voiced by SCATMAN CROTHERS) jumping into a filing cabinet to change into robes, then via ironing board and skip into bizarre pseudo-Chinese "car that just won't stop" which, at the bash of a gong, turned into a crap helicopter which drilled itself into the ground. Real (unsung) hero was stripy cat Spot, who trailed him and did all the proper work. Trademark H-B gimmickry present and perfectly correct: weird semi-regular all-black villain the Shadow; comic bookend scenes with the Sarge and "Rose-mare"; and the ever-useless Hong Kong Book of Kung-Fu. Theme tune with proto-rap was one of the best. Nice work, lads. A number one super guy. Quicker than the human eye.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."YAAAH! HA! HOO! AND A RINKY-DINKY-DOO! TO YOU! TOO!"
AN ETERNALLY EVER-NAFF home counties C&W craze ran amok in the early 80s, and here were some of the risible results: JAMES GROUT and SHEILA STEAFAL helming a country-themed bar with Larger Than Life characters dropping by to regale all and sundry with peculiar peccadillos, invariably in song.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...MUSIC TO PLUMB LAVATORIES BY
HOPE AND KEEN'S CRAZY HOUSE/BUS
(1970-72)
BBC
DRIVELLY SCOTTISH funsters MIKE HOPE and ALBIE KEEN preside over wacky slapstickian behaviour in eponymous House in which was situated the 'Coal-Hole Club', various poppermost musicians, PETER "WHO DO YOU DO?" GOODWRIGHT as the (as always) senile butler and RUTH KETTLEWELL as barmy cook. Pair then decide to hit the road Kerouac-style, enlisting titular Bus to tour Britain in order to locate (as always) lost treasure. Quest heralded as follows: "In Uncle Ebenezer's chest/we found a funny map/We blew the dust off/and saw a treasure trail/We're feeling brave/so we followed all the clues he gave/and we'll be on our way/(Chorus) Crazy bus/you're taking us away/Crazy bus/I wonder where we're going today."
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."IT MUST BE A FIGBOX OF MY IMAGINATION"
BARRY JACKSON doled out pathos and bathos as the eponymous middle-aged man bearing the brain of a child. Occupies time working at that staple of small screen wearycoms, the Joke Factory, before hanging around staring in shop windows then beating retreat back to his mum's for tea. Not most obvious of subjects for comedy.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NOT MOST OBVIOUS OF SUBJECTS FOR TELLY, NEITHER
HORSE IN THE HOUSE
(1977-79)
THAMES
HAVEN'T HAD one of these for a while, oh no. Kids drama involving a posh girl in a large mansion where shenanigans are going down. Melanie Webb decides to sequest horse (called Orbit) in country pile. Mummy and Daddy had already bought sprogs new Porsche 911s, but catch was they had to sell the race horse to an Arab oil billionaire. Kids weren't so uber-posh they wanted to have their cake and eat it, so they dressed up a servant as said race horse and hid the real horse in the main larder in the third east wing of the mansion. Scene that stands out involved the four-legged filly freaking out and shitting all over the place as it didn't like walking on floorboards. Which is odd, because last time we were in a stable, it had a wooden floor. Perhaps the horse was used to Axminster carpet. Anyway, here's the official line on the matter: "Melanie is part of an unusual family. Her sister Katie hopes to become the first women astronaut, while third sister Diana, at 13, is already writing novels. Melanie devotes her life to Orbit. But there are others interested in him - like the mysterious stranger who watches the stallion day and night." Return match came in '79 consisting of three two-part adventures: 1) "Gypsies move into the district where Melanie lives. One of them, young Johnson, steals a ride on Orbit. But when strangles, a contagious horse disease, is reported locally, the gypsies are the suspected carriers - and Johnson has allowed Orbit to be put at risk." 2) "Something is seriously amiss at the racing stables of trainer Bill Otterby, where Melanie is now working. The stable's two jockeys, Frank Tyson and John Masson, are vicious rivals. And Melanie and Orbit become unwitting pawns in their feud." 3) "Now that Mrs. Davis knows why Alan Green is prepared to offer so high a price for her farm, she refuses to sell. But, despite Melanie's warning she has underestimated Mr. Green's determination and Guthrie's ruthless involvement."
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SPOILER: THEY WERE ABLE TO KEEP THE HORSE IN THE END BECAUSE THE SERVANT MANAGED TO WIN MORE RACES
HORSES GALORE
(LATE 1970s)
BBC
MORE FOAL PLAY, this time by way of a kids equinestravaganza deftly filling the Wednesday 5.10 slot and supervised by LESLEY JUDD. Mucho interviews with LUCINDA PRIOR-PALMER and the like, while Rags The Blue Peter Pony (destined never to grow into Rags The Blue Peter Horse, seemingly) featured on an almost weekly basis.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THE KIND OF THING YOUR SISTER INSISTED ON WATCHING, OBVIOUSLY
"PAPER! NEWS, NEWS! Paper! News, News!" screamed the blustering, bombastically-obvious signature tune, so as to avoid anyone tuning in expecting a meditation on sizzling metallurgy. And 28 minutes of blustering, bombastically-obvious journo-satire ensued, but of defiantly broadsheet-bristing quality thanks to a) Andrew Marshall and David Renwick (WHOOPS APOCALYPSE, END OF PART ONE) on script duties b) the likes of ROBERT HARDY, GEOFFREY PALMER, RICHARD WILSON and JOHN GORDON-SINCLAIR peddling their wares and c) infamous "moving breast" glasses gimmick of playground legend. The Daily Crucible was where it all went down, ditto circulation, governments trousers, generous helpings of whisky and super soaraway punchlinery.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CO-STARRING PETER SNOW AND MIKE GATTING - TOGETHER AT LAST!
"ALL STYLES of music" allegedly catered for in this dance-arse variety bumstead, which was true only so far as those genres "built around the talents of WAYNE SLEEP and BONNIE LANGFORD", hence fuck all. That's "built around the talents of WAYNE SLEEP and BONNIE LANGFORD".
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CASE CLOSED
STAGE ONE of the long and winding Tarrant. Here was a post-TISWAS/OTT Chris casting around for a job of work and washing up on early Tuesday nights "manning" the phones to sort out the nation's consumer watchdog wankery and proto-Notes And Queries middle class mind-botherers. To add to the joyous "mayhem", all the assistants wore roller stakes, as was the custom of the time (STARLIGHT EXPRESS, we must confess).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NEXT STOP: THE MAIN EVENT
A HOUSE FOR THE FUTURE
(1976)
GRANADA
GRAVY-LUMPENING SUNDAY lunchtime fare, produced by BRIAN TRUEMAN no less, mapping painfully slow conversion of a coach-house near Macclesfield into "something revolutionary in housing". Featured family of four The Grants were the builders of the wonderment, "which will save about 80 per cent on fuel bills" by harnessing solar, wind and other alternative OPEC-busting power sources. 14 editions in all, followed by a studio-bound special answering viewers' queries, "so stand by with pencil and paper as we try to cover as many of your problems as time will allow". Then, to show just how rapidly these things can date, came follow-up programme A HOUSE FOR THE FUTURE... A THING OF THE PAST? in '78.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."BUT WE'LL ALL BE LIVING IN THEM COME 2000"
JUST THE THING, reckoned Brylcreamed besuited ITV boardroom boffins, to keep bored housewives sitting about in front rooms happy: a load of bored housewives sitting about in front rooms! Only with guests! Ringing the doorbell like it was a real house!
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...DING DONG! MARY PARKINSON CALLING!
TISWASIANS JOHN GORMAN and CLIVE WEBB, plus ex-WHO DARES WINS JULIA HILLS, oversaw this typically gunge-graced gagathon, capped with a theme tune, rather incongruously, by FIVE STAR.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NOT-SO-GOODY
HOW WE USED TO LIVE
(1968-88)
YORKSHIRE
NEVER THOUGHT it ran this long, did you? A Yorkshire schools' morning stalwart, this historical programme was initially a fairly strightforward lecturey affair, presented in the first instance by JESS YATES of all folk. In '69 the familiar, semi-dramatised tales of ordinary folk format, with a splash of compare-and-contrast class consciousness thrown in (beginning with a "look back into the past comparing the life of a chimney sweep boy with that of a little girl in one of the comfortable houses in which he works"), was in place, doled out in weekly portions to inattentive primary school classes the land over. The Victorian era was heavily mined at first, then in '76 came a wartime family saga. In 1978 the scene shifted to the time of the General Strike. By '79 it was back to the Victoriana, with a clearly delineated 1874-1887 period. 1984 brought the well-remembered 1902-1926 series detailing the antics of the rich mill-owners the Holroyds and the poor Selbys. Each episode contained a section based around newsreel footage when the plot flagged. Wistful oom-pah-pah-pah wandering theme etched indeliby into the ear drums of a generation.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."I'LL 'AVE THEE, TOM SELBY!"
OMNIPOTENT CHILDREN'S odds-and-sods odyssey delivered by three-quarters avuncular quartet of friendly faces, in a split-level-desks-and-shelves-of-stuff format which survived two generations largely unchanged. "The home encyclopaedia delivered to your fireside", they said. They also said: "Facts become fun as the team lark their way through another fascinating show." Or better yet: "Facts, fun and mystery in television's fastest free-for-all of fact!" And fact you certainly got; the sheer conviction with which the original delivered its often charismatically dull factoids (HOW d'ya get a ship in a bottle? HOW d'ya balance an egg on the rim of a milkbottle with only a cork, four forks, twelve feet of cotton and a tampon? etc.) and the sweltering AmerIndian theme plus unseen chief "How" "How!" marked this out for greatness. Participants started off as: FRED "GAMBIT" DINENAGE, of course - the eager but slightly goofy manchild of the bunch; JACK "GNOMIC" HAGREAVES - knowledgable but cosy ruralist pipe man; JON MILLER - science a speciality; and BUNTY JAMES - a lady, therefore craft and cookery were on the cards, plus the token non-stereotypical How for balance. Bunty was replaced by JILL GRAHAM (who was "a player with the Salisbury repertory theatre") in '69, and JIM KELWAY and hapless DIY expert BARRY BUCKNELL even did the odd stint replacing Hargreaves. Come 1970, and Bunty was welcomed back into the fold, cementing the "golden age" line-up that would be most strongly identified with the programme. In '77 MARIAN DAVIES replaced her, for such delights as "How can Fred get rid of his warts? Ideas from Jon, Jack and Marian don't help - until Fred finds a magical cure." Behind-the-scenes fact: the final series was produced by NIGEL PICKARD. Later revived by TVS, then Meridian, then Scottish, with the likes of CAROL VORDERMAN and GAZ TOP playing jesters to the court of the evermore regal Fred.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."HOW: AN ADVERB PRIMARILY INTERROGATIVE, USED ALSO IN EXCLAMATIONS. BY WHAT MEANS? TO WHAT EFFECT? IT IS ALSO USED A GREAT DEAL IN WESTERN FILMS INVOLVING RED INDIANS - SURELY AMONG THE BIGGEST LOSERS OF ALL TIME! HOW IS HOW GOING TO USE IT TODAY? THE REGULAR TEAM BRINGS YOU THE LATEST INFORMATION FROM THE WORLDS OF FACT, KNOWLEDGE AND NONSENSE - AS UNPREDICTABLE BUT AS SERIOUS AS A CHILDREN'S PLAYGROUND SCENE."
SWAGGERING BRINY proto-soap unpicking the ruthless ructions and steamy schemings that went on behind that seedy world of slimy shagging and shopping, the boatbuilding fraternity of the River Hamble. Step forward eponymous hero and "best boat designer on planet" Tom Howard (MAURICE COLBOURNE), who stages Telford's Change style stunt, defies odds, logic, etc. and leaves comfortable, well-paid employee status to set-up in partnership with maverick regular at "The Jolly Sailor" Jack Rolfe (GLYNN OWEN). Cast of thousands then sail in to provide intricate plot interweaving: Ken Masters (STEPHEN "XYY" YARDLEY), rival boatbuilding bastard with inability to retain genitalia in pants whose dirty deeds are eclipsed only by cross-eyed moneyman Edward Frere (NIGEL DAVENPORT) and his piece-of-shit son Charles (TONY "PROTECTORS" ANHOLT). Light relief in the form of Tom's wife Jan (JAN HARVEY) who runs a clothes emporium (badly) and her wooden mother (DULCIE GRAY) whose purpose is unclear. There's more. Appalling, buck-toothed Howard son (Leo) and daughter (Lyn) ensure continual parental angst due to exam failure, career indecision, unwise choice of foreigner as partner, etc, etc. Untimely demise of Colbourne brings whole edifice crashing to ground but not before hastily rewritten final series is plucked from the jaws of oblivion thanks to arrival, over the horizon, of KATE O'MARA and PAUL JERRICHO. Toe-tapping 'Always There' Simon May theme tune was, well, always there, ditto grizzled men wearing V-necked blazers over bare chests sporting Ford Knox-quantities of jewellery and clinking tumblers full of ice cubes and "the sauce".
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."NOW WHERE'S THAT MAN WHO CALLS HIMSELF MY PARTNER?"
HOW'S YOUR FATHER?
(1979-80)
YORKSHIRE
SHOP-WINDOW-ABUSING FUNSTER HARRY WORTH didn't last long in this sitcom built around him as a single dad coping with student son and teen daughter, with plenty of mistaken identities, rag-week adults-dressed-as-babies misunderstandings. No-one seemed to care, or indeed notice.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...OR, CONVERSELY, A MID-'70S GRANADACOM WITH SHEILA STEAFAL, ARTHUR ENGLISH AND MICHAEL "ON THE BUSES" ROBBINS AS THE CROPPERS. WHICH WASN'T MUCH BETTER
JACK WILD is Jimmy, owner of golden talking flute named Freddie much sought after by freaky gorgon Witchiepoo BILLIE HAYES. To obtain said musical device Mrs. Witch lures Jimmy to watery lair of Living Island, only to see him rescued by eponymous nice big friendly dragon mayor. Disney-esque action/animated musical adventures follow, involving Pufnstuf's gang Judy the Frog, Cling and Clang, Ludicrous Lion and Dr Blinky, plus Witchiepoo's cronies: horrible yellow arachnid Seymour, green clawed-bird Orson and dippy Stupid Bat. As usual, baddies had best scene-stealing gadgets i.e. the Vroom Broom and CCTV-prototype Image Machine.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...JACK NEVER ESCAPED, WHICH ISN'T RIGHT
HUDSON AND HALLS
(1987-89)
BBC1
CAMP CUISINE on a Grayson scale courtesy of titular Australian twosome riding the back (steady now) of late-80s NEIGHBOURS UK popularity. Mock bickering and barneying afforded unlikely sixth-form skive entertainment, while the "housebound" looked in for tips on cooking like Helen Daniels. All ended in tragedy, and that's not just the apple turnover. Hudson died first, but Halls requested repeats continue as a tribute, then changed named to David Hudson-Halls, appeared on Children In Need, and finally committed suicide (events not linked).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."SORRY LOVE, I'VE GOT MY HANDS FULL AT THE MOMENT - I'M JUST BUSY TOSSING"
HUNTER
(1967-68)
CRAWFORD, AS ALWAYS
MORE ANTIPODEAN antics, this time by way of their answer to James Bond: secret agent John Hunter, fighting a communist menace epitomised by chief baddie Kragg, a bloke who ultimately became so popular the programme makers made him defect and become a goodie. Which you never got in Carry On Spying.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WAS NO-ONE ELSE MAKING TELLY IN AUSTRALIA ALL THIS TIME?
NOTHING LIKE the above by dint of boasting a) far more money and b) far less bafflement. Yes, it's the bog standard (the operative word there being "yes") Tough Dirty Harry Cop Partners Female Cop routine. Cue Rick Hunter and ex-Vice Entrapment officer Dee Dee McCall: a warm hand on her entrance, please! . Every week the crime would be solved by running around shooting a large automatic pistol. FRED DRYER was ver Hunter (ex-US Football player), STEFANIE KRAMER the equally badly spelt Dee Dee McCall. "Works for me" was the catchphrase.
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...UNFORTUNATELY IT DIDN'T WORK FOR ANYONE ELSE
HAT TRICK! This time we're dealing with an animated detective pooch with a bashed hat and a knackered hunting horn, who solved crimes by accident but always got the credit. Who was that masked man? IRISH POLICE CHIEF: "That, me boy, was the Hunter!"
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...THIRD TIME'S THE CHARM
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