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HADLEIGH to THE HIGHWAYMAN
HILARY to THE HUNTER
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GERALD HARPER stalks the moors as eponymous lairy lord of the manor, before contriving to hitch up with HILARY DWYER and, well, settle down.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SPUN-OFF FROM EQUALLY FORGETTABLE NEWSPAPER YARN "GAZETTE"
HAMMER HOUSE OF HORROR
(1980)
ATV
ON-ITS-LAST-LEGS FINAL throw of the dice for the fine folk at Hammer, basically boiling down essence of numerous 60s/70s films into hour long made-for-TV (i.e. made for America) soupcons of suspense. Not bad, all told, with extra points for running amok with the kind of gore and guts which always got your mates excited in the playground the day after. Masterminded by the amusingly-named ROY SKEGGS. Highlights included:
- Lady journo investigating a health farm that turned out to be a cover for a load of plane crash survivors busy fattening up the staff then eating them. Heroine ended up, ahem, "just desserts".
- DENHOLM ELLIOTT having dreams about doing his secretary, only for her to die horribly falling down lift shaft because he wouldn't kill his wife. On waking he'd find said secretary sporting new kinky outfit on (including a school uniform, a plastic mac, 70s disco gear), then do it again (once inside a telephone box, with nipples on show). Eventually after having about five dreams within dreams he does kill his wife - but this time he was awake...
- PETER CUSHING devising a complex electric current lock to keep a couple hostage, only for them to escape, shove him in the cell and leave him there. On returning home they found themselves sealed in their own house - Cushing previously fixing locks in cruel act of foresight - and everyone starves to death.
- DIANA DORS (all the big names here) in a werewolf tale that involved CHRISTOPHER CASENOVE and a woman off TALES OF THE UNEXPECTED stopping at deserted farm house (bad move), getting raped, then fancying some raw meat. Pregnancy follows, she runs off, husband follows, new baby werewolf, dead wife in childbirth and Chris Casenove gets cleavered by the main man werewolf.
- Pissed off businessman sticks his knife five times into a voodoo doll as he's angry at a partner who screwed him over. Unfortunately the picture of the man he wanted to curse also included four other people (including the business man and his wife). So for the next hour it's death on toast: man falls off roof, man falls off horse onto combine harvester blades, woman slits her wrist open in the bath, business man's wife goes through car window and then drowns in pond. The main man realises the inevitable, tries to burn the idol, but trips and falls in the fire himself, and that was the end of that.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AS YOU'D EXPECT, TOP NOTCH TITLES INVOLVING SWOONING THEME AND MYSTERY MAN AT WINDOW OF TITULAR SPOOKY PILE
A HANDFUL OF SONGS
(1973-82)
GRANADA
TOMMY STEELE theme song heralded less-than-welcome appearance of Carpenters-style singing/acoustic guitar duo KEITH FIELD and MARIA MORGAN (who replaced KATHY JONES in 1975), who professed to sing any song requested by children if they sent in an appropriate drawing. However evidently limited repertoire gave the lie to this ruse; kids would write in asking for Hurry Up Harry and S-S-S-Single Bed, but invariably got Yellow Submarine, Kum-Ba-Yah and A Windmill In Old Amsterdam for the tenth fucking time.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...HANDFUL BEING THE OPERATIVE WORD
SEEMS LIKE LESLIE ASH spent an entire decade appearing in obscure shows, to wit this comedy set in an advertising agency (there's the 80s for you, right there) with Les as bimbettish secretary Nancy and NICKY HENSON as the young executive out to "woo" her. Two older execs provided the interlinking banter about dairy farms, sex, poinsettias, sex and Eine Kleine Nachtmusik, which Chas and Dave updated with lyrics for the theme song. Title explained away as contrast between popular fruits such as apples, and sad ones like figs. Obviously.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...KEITH "BILLY LIAR" WATERHOUSE WROTE THE WORDS
THIS IS the entry for the long-running American sitcom HAPPY DAYS (CUE DEAFENING AUDIENCE APPLAUSE AND WHOOPING WHICH GOES ON FOR FIVE MINUTES).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."MARRRRRIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNN!"
FORGOTTEN INHERITANCECOM with JENNIFER SAUNDERS as ageing dame sending ADRIAN EDMONDSON off around the world to locate six female sisters (JENNIFER SAUNDERS). Inevitably DAWN FRENCH, STEPHEN FRY, HELEN LEDERER and JIM BROADBENT turned up en route. Equally inevitably, a BEN ELTON script.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FILE NEXT TO GIRLS ON TOP
CHILDCENTRIC FIFTEEN minute afternoon filler. Different children's entertainers, among them ROD HULL and EMU and JACK O'REILLY and his dog Jeorge, entertained in a corridor with raked seating. Best bit was the theme: while a cartoon house with a happy face quaked gently, song was sung that went "Ha ha-ha ha-ha haa, Ha ha-ha ha-ha haa, Ha ha-ha ha-ha haa, Ha ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha."
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...HARMLESS
HARDWICKE HOUSE
(1987)
CENTRAL
"BUT IT'S got pipes in!"
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CONSTANT HOT WATER FOR ITV
THE HARDY BOYS AND NANCY DREW MYSTERIES
(1977-78)
UNIVERSAL
EXCEPT IT was mostly the Hardy Boys who appeared after those odd close-up-of-manhole-cover titles. Middling adventures, with the tedium alleviated momentarily by playing amusing Hardy/Nancy wordswapping game with the title. PAMELA SUE "DYNASTY" MARTIN starred for a bit.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..." GEE OFFICER! ARE WE GLAD TO SEE YOU!"
HARK AT BARKER/HIS LORDSHIP ENTERTAINS
(1969-70, 1972)
LWT/BBC
IMPRESSIVE RONNIE B. cavalcade bankrolled by suitably luminous writing team (GRAEME GARDEN, ALUN OWEN, BILL ODDIE, ALAN AYCKBOURN, JOHN JUNKIN and, naturally, "GERALD WILEY") centred on horseplay antics of Lord Rustless, squire of crumbling Chrome Hall. Predictable but top-notch innuendo/cross-dressing business underscored Barker's usual multi-personnage behaviour (eight or so characters per episode), but Lord was best creation, with raging libido tempered only by obsession with growing cress and mustard. DAVID JASON was mumbling alcoholic gardener Dithers, MARY BAXTER gurning old Cook, RONNIE CORBETT and MICHAEL PALIN also showed up. Spin-off from 1968 Rediffusion Frost-produced Ronnie Barker Playhouse effort "Ah, There You Are".
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SHIFT TO BEEB SAW STATELY HOME RENOVATED INTO RUNDOWN HOTEL FOR INCREASED COMIC POTENTIAL
THE HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS
(LATE 1970s)
NOVELTY BASKETBALL bunch with annoying whistley theme tune do battle with basketball-playing robots, or something. Format still to be exported to UK (cartoon Chelsea FC duelling marauding droids, anyone?)
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...LAST SEEN STRANDED ON GILLIGAN'S ISLAND
THE WORLD OF HAROLD LLOYD
(100 YEARS AGO)
STITCHED-TOGETHER SILENT shorts repackaged in 1980s to fill television half-hour, narrated by the redoubtable Pete Smith in jocular style. "A pair of glasses and a smile." Harry a) walks into sheet glass being carried by two dopey workmen b) walks into brick wall c) hangs off clock face d) does all of the above simulataneously while eating a bunch of tulips.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."UH-OH! HERE COME HAROLD WITH A BANANA CREAM PIE! WHOOO-OOPS!"
GLOOMY THRILLER, another spin on the we're-all-doomed pitch (see THE GUARDIANS), with make believe British Prime Minister ignoring experts (the fool!) and sending Captain Harry Brown (RAY LONNEN) into ranks of IRA to seek out assassin of government minister. Penned by former ITN bod GERALD SEYMOUR. BENJAMIN WHITROW and, implausibly, LINDA ROBSON among those waiting to see if eponymous hero "makes it through". Broadcast over three nights.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SET IN IRELAND, THEREFORE HAD OBLIGATORY DREARY CLANNAD TITLE MUSIC
HART TO HART
(1980-85)
AARON SPELLING
CRIME FIGHTING jet setter rich git ROBERT WAGNER is Jonathan Hart ("He's quite a guy!") while STEPHANIE POWERS is his missus Jennifer ("She's goigeous!") who kept her bra on in the bath. Together they while away time and money rounding up Bel-Air scum. Oh, by the way, my name is Max (LIONEL STANDER). I take care of both of 'em. Which ain't easy. 'Cos when they met, it was Moidah!
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NOT FORGETTING FREEWAY, POINTLESS DOG ONLY INCLUDED TO PROVIDE PISS-EASY QUESTIONS FOR PUB TRIVIA MACHINES AND QUIZZES
NOT TO be confused with RUSSELL HARTY the show (not the man), for which see, erm, RUSSELL HARTY. This was his primetime BBC1 post-SIXTY MINUTES roustabout, live from the Greenwood Theatre in London every Tuesday and Wednesday, with minimal interviews and maximum irreverence. Such as John Tovey turning up to do a recipe from the brilliantly-entitled Harty Kitchenette every Wednesday night, while a proto-Mister Motivator called Mister A demonstrated exercises you could do while doing the washing-up. Such as PETER COOK being hired as a regular in his EL Wisty guise, only to be bundled off after a few weeks to be replaced by Susan Cuff off MR AND MRS, who was in charge of the feature 'Cuff's Stuff'. Such as Russ going out and about and knocking on someone's door to ask for a cup of tea, emphasising the man's interest in The Great British Public, as these would be spontaneous encounters where he'd just idly chat away and hope for something interesting to come out of it, leaving lucky householders with a mighty 'I Made Tea For Russell Harty' teapot. Such as revealing the new chart on Tuesday nights followed by a live band from it performing live, such as Bananarama doing 'Robert De Niro's Waiting' in front of, inevitably, some enormous pictures of Robert De Niro. Such as Dog Of The Week, where Russ would bring on a dog from Battersea for viewers to write in and adopt, and "if it only has three legs, all the better". And such as a Valentine's Day special, live from a pub in Liverpool, with Frank Carson, Stan Boardman and a yard-of-ale drinking competition. Inexplicably axed after six months, it was certainly the man's grandest, if not greatest, hour. Especially as what came next was SONGS OF PRAISE.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CAPRICIOUS
MILLINERY FILMFAIR fun for what the tabloids always call "tots", trundled out in the 10-minute slot before RAINBOW. Assorted hats (with arms, legs, eyes, etc.) including a sombrero called Sancho, his donkey (who wore a hat with a carrot attached to it) and other characters reside in titular provincial sprawl, along with appropriately shaped mayor, policeman, milkman.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...DETECTIVE, NATURALLY, WAS A DEER-STALKER
BIG FUCK-OFF bran tub of real-life disasters and, erk, proper deaths from around the world, narrated in pitiless hammy detail by GLENN FORD and LEONARD NIMOY. Staple fare: two blokes seen being lifted by a rope on an airship to height of several hundred feet, before stupidly "plummeting to their deaths". Guarantee of half dozen racing accidents - cars, dragsters, boats - before episode's conclusion. Bunged out late at night, in deliberate move to give kids who shouldn't have been watching shit-scary nightmares.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...DO WE DETECT THE CIGAR-WIELDING HAND OF LEW GRADE?
FOLLOWING PHIL "BUSTER" COLLINS's example, entire world criminal fraternity emigrates to island paradise. JACK LORD, perched atop a nearby skyscraper, won't have it. Neither will sidekick "Book 'Em" Danno (JAMES MACARTHUR), who's busy peering through a nearby broken window.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."GODDAMMIT DANNO, THAT PIECE OF YELLOW FILTH, WO FAT, HAS GOT AWAY - AGAIN!"
MEAN-STREETS SAAAAHF LANDAN PI Mr James Hazell (NICHOLAS "THE HOUSE THAT BLED TO DEATH" BALL) was the creation of one P. B. Yuill, penman of a number of crimaramas, but who in turn was none other than a collaboration between Scots writer GORDON "STRAW DOGS" WILLIAMS and Professional Cockernee TERRY "CRYSTAL PALACE" VENABLES. Not entirely tongue outside of cheek capers always involved bristling bust-ups between maverick wideboy Hazell and former CID boss, grumpy Jock "Choc" Minty (RODDY MCMILLAN), who was always trying to get mi-laddo's licence yanked. DESMOND MCNAMARA played cousin Tel, and former Stone The Crows songstress, MAGGIE BELL, crooned the melancholy theme.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."I'VE GOT A WAD OF CASH 'ERE THAT COULD CHOKE A WASHING MACHINE"
HE MAN AND THE MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE
(1982)
FILMATION
PISH TOY-FLOGGING sword and sorcery certoon. In "Eternia" blonde tosspot Prince Adam holds aloft his magic sword, says "By the power of Greyskull!" (half-arsed castle nearby) and turns into shirtless He Man. Also stupid green tiger Cringer turns into "Battlecat". Mustachioed games teacher Man-At-Arms and floaty, faceless midget Orco joined eternal battle against Skeletor and his army of hastily-drawn cronies. Tedious wankbuckling, replete with obligatory moral message at the end ("be friends", "don't be a cunt").
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BEST THING WAS SPINNING "LOU SCHEIMER" LOGO AT THE END
DEREK GRIFFITHS at the peak of his powers as the unseen narrator/singer-songwriter of this animal archive pot pourri. Songs poured from the master: Dogalong, Butterfly Wings, Will-He-Won't-He?, Proboscis Monkeys We. Exhilarating.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WAAH DO, A-WAH DO DAH DO DAH DOO
HEATHCLIFF AND MARMADUKE
(1984)
RUBY-SPEARS
THUNDEROUSLY DREADFUL cat and dog cartoon double-header from R-S, those renegade mostly rotten Hanna-Barbera knock-off exiles (see also BISKITTS, THE NEW SCHMOO, THE PUPPY'S NEW ADVENTURES and most other early 80s cartoon crud). Heathcliff was an alley cat...with attitude! Marmaduke was a dog...with emotions! Debut effort actually called Heathcliff and Dingbat, the supporting feature being "Dingbat and the Creeps", which the Beeb wisely binned (although they didn't bother editing the closing credits, hence meaningless pictures of a vampire dog, a thing with a pumpkin for a head, and a skeleton pretending to be a standard lamp). Marmaduke made his entrance the following year to universal derision. Theme song performed by SCATMAN "AXE-IN-RIBS CARETAKER IN THE SHINING" CROTHERS who, several years earlier, had been the voice of HONG KONG PHOOEY. Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse, along came HEATHCLIFF, CATS AND CO, with supporting feature boasting even more manky moggies including one who wore FAME-style legwarmers. Because it was the 80s.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."THE HOT-DOG CAT AND THE PUSSYCAT HOUND!" WENT THE TAGLINE. WRONG AGAIN.
DUBBED DOPEY Gallic glove puppetry with great big silly/clever/sad old Hector (flop-eared dog), ZaZa his live-in cat and Mrs Kiki the ladder-climbing frog from next door, whose main role was to pass less than useful comments on the activities of her neighbours. Much moral-teaching mayhem for five minutes a throw. Less than thrilling.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...EN FRANCE: LA MAISON DE TU TU
HEGGARTY HAGGARTY
(1980s)
YORKSHIRE
SMOOTH-TONGUED SORCERESS sat about chanting while "Broom" did domestic chores and "Black Cat" grudgingly supplied endless whiskers for making spells.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THIS IS HARD WORK
AND STILL THEY COME. Infamous school holiday-spanning serial of War And Peace proportions, or so it felt, dragging its feet across many a childhood summer's telly with its appallingly dubbed dialogue, ugly child actors, boring plotlines and intensely annoying trite shite theme. Programme did itself no favours by casting girl who looked like overgrown version of the PLAY SCHOOL doll Hamble in titular role. Every single fucking episode involved Heidi being dragged away from her "beloved hills" to the mean streets of Frankfurt, running amok and upsetting Faulein Rottermeyer with kittens, then being sent back again not wanting to leave Clara who couldn't walk. Put an entire generation off German exchange students.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH THE SOUND OF ENGLISH VOICEOVER ARTISTES TALKINGVERYQUICKLYINORDERTOKEEPUPWITHPESKYALPINEGERMANKINDER
HELEN - A WOMAN OF TODAY
(1973)
LWT
ALLISON FISKE divorces hapless MARTIN SHAW. Miserableness and staring out of windows results.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WRITTEN BY DAVID BUTLER, SADLY NOT HE OF "3.56 PER CENT SWING TO THE NATIONAL LIBERALS!"
THE HELLO GOODBYE MAN
(1984)
BBC
NEO-PERRINITE PALAVER penned by David Nobbs and featuring IAN LAVENDAR and Romana off of DR WHO. Set in a pharmaceuticals sales office. Like Perrin, preponderance of catchphrases and "funny names" (i.e. Denis Ailing). Unlike Perrin, decidedly unfunny.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...TEXTBOOK ALLITERATIVE NAME FOR COMEDY FIRM: COOKHAM'S CURES
A BIZARRE ONE and no foolin'. Absolutely live late-night BBC2 effort wherein CLIVE "CASUALTY" MANTLE, NICK "FAST FORWARD" WILTON, HELEN "TOKEN WOMAN IN EVERY MID-80s COMIC TROUPE" LEDERER and ARNOLD "AND WHY NOT?" BROWN essayed topical gags, "sideways look at" sketches and "zany" antics to ever decreasing circle of viewers. Standard fare: SOUTH BANK SHOW pastiche profiling the life and times of...Sooty.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...A SCAN OF THE CREDITS REVEALS WRITERS INCLUDED ROLAND RIVRON AND JEREMY HARDY: ENOUGH SAID
IFFY SCOUSE povertycom which earned its spurs by dint of not being BREAD. STEPHEN MCGANN, DAVID ALBANY and JAKE ABRAHAM were three doleites scraping by thanks to "legendary" "Liverpool" "wit". Opening titles showed each of the triumvirate reading literature of their choice, one looking at Page 3, one reading his DHSS leaflet and one running his finger under the words as he perused a comic.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...LIVERPUDLIAN SITCOM WITH THIS TITLE, WONDER WHAT THE THEME TUNE COULD HAVE BEEN...?
HELP! IT'S THE HAIR BEAR BUNCH!
(1970s)
HANNA-BARBERA
THE HORROR. Yet more mangy mutts from H-B's lost weekend that was the mid-70s. Here we have three bears in a zoo, to wit : Hair (blonde afro, sub-BILKO voice), Square (big, deep voice, Kangol hat) and Booby bear (short, hat again, sub-Stanley Unwin gibberish talk). Trio would repeatedly sneak out to "have fun", much to the chagrin of zoo owner Mr (Eustace P.) Peevley and his fat idiot assistant Botch (voiced by JOE "OOH! OOH!" E. ROSS of BILKO fame, but also HONG KONG PHOOEY. Usual H-B obsession with gimmicks: luxurious bears cave, with beds, fridge, TV etc. all folded into the walls at the first sign of the keepers. Uber-alarmist sentiments of programme title resoundingly not borne out by decidedly non-menacing aspects of featured critters.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."IN THE WONDERLAND ZOO/THERE ARE CERTAIN BEARS WHO/STAY AT HOME EVERY NIGHT/NEVER QUARREL OR FIGHT/AAAH, WE DON'T EVEN BITE!/SO DON'T YELL/HELP, HELP, HERE COME THE BEARS/HELP, HELP, HERE COME THE BEARS/HELP, HELP, HERE COME THE BEARS/LET'S SPLIT!"
HELPING HENRY
(1986)
CHANNEL 4
BAFFLING EARLY C4 kids show (weren't they all?) which featured a dining chair animated by Fluck and Law and voiced by JEREMY HARDY. Said furniture was actually an alien being (called N-3) who had somehow decided that dining chairs were the most intelligent form of life on Earth and so spent its time trying to communicate with the other dining chairs and failing, until it found a small boy and talked to him instead. It also talked to some glowing lights, one of whom may have been Richard Vernon.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SENSIBLE CASTING, THOUGH: HARDY HAD (STILL HAS) THE PERFECT FACE FOR PLAYING AN ANONYMOUS DINING CHAIR
HENRY'S CAT
(1980s)
BOB GODFREY
TO BE FRANK, after ROOBARB and NOAH AND NELLY a bit of a comedown from the Godfrey studio. Shorn of the characteristic wobble, this sedate semi-animated partwork portrayed defiantly mundane adventures of the eponymous feline plus cohorts Chris Rabbit, a pig, a duck, the sun, some birds et al. Always a giveaway of bad times ahead, theme tune underwent radical revision (from limp synth lilting to desperate "Hen-e-ry, Hen-e-ry, you must know Hen-e-ry's Cat") in attempt to pep up format. And still Henry was never featured.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."AWWW, I THINK I'M JUST GOING TO LIE HERE FOR THE NEXT FEW DAYS UNTIL IT STOPS RAINING, YAAAAWWWWWWNNNNNN" - YOU SAID IT, MATE
SUBLIME SONG-ORIENTED stop motion from PADDINGTON/WOMBLES stable. All your commonplace domestic herbs in ornate secret allotment personified as people or animals. From the top: Parsley the Lion, Dill the Dog, Bayleaf the Gardener, Constable Knapweed, Lord Basil, Lady Rosemary, Sage the Owl, Tarragon the Dragon, an Onion teaching a load of Chives, Pashana Bedi the snake-charmer, and Belladonna. Dill and Parsley undoubtedly the stars, the latter gaining his own MAN ABOUT THE HOUSE/ROBIN'S NEST-style spin off affair, THE ADVENTURES OF PARSLEY.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...HERBIDACEOUS!
HERE COMES MUMFIE!
(1975-78)
ATV
MARIONETTE ESCAPADES of a boy elephant aided in his journeys by Scarecrow and continually tormented by a witch for some reason or other. "Mumfie, you'll be/Happy ever after, you'll see/Scarecrow will look after you..." etc. Created by KATHERINE TOZER, brought to life by the CLOPPA CASTLE duo MARY TURNER and JOHN READ.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WHEN ARE THE HERBS COMING ON?"
LOLLOPING LASSIE/LITTLEST HOBO heroic dogathon, only this time - hey! - the dog commentates on the action!
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."I THOUGHT YOU SAID THE HERBS WOULD BE ON IN TEN MINUTES!"
HE'S PASQUALE, I'M WALSH
(1994)
THAMES
DOUBLE JEOPARDY and no fucking mistake. Briefly obsessed over by Collins & Maconie, here were Joe and Bradley, together at last. Shame both didn't repel each other, like magnets or something. No wonder Thames lost its licence.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...QUEEN MUM WAS A BIG FAN
HEY LOOK, THAT'S ME!
(LATE 1970s)
BBC
ROTTEN COMEDIC perambulations by CHRIS HARRIS who schlepped across the south of England (the Blessed Country) on his bike, meeting Colourful People With A Story To Tell. Doorstepped go-cart races, local fetes, maypole dancing etc. For convoluted comic effect (some hope), Harris towed small pink caravan behind bike containing his Aunty Doris, who was played (ho fucking ho) by Harris in drag. Used to fib about how far he'd cycled as well. The chancer!
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."HEY LOOK THAT'S ME, LOOK/HEY LOOK THAT'S ME, LOOK/I'M ON TV!"
HEYY, IT'S THE KING!
(LATE 1970s)
HANNA-BARBERA
AND SO WE REACH the bottom of H-B's beleagued barrel. Sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-Happy Days schticker with a stupid bequiffed lion and his zany mates (hippo, alligator, hyena etc.) in a stupid Fonz-style gang. Usual stupid stereotyped stupid adventures followed. Often paired up with Undercover Elephant, a stupid detective with oh-no-what-a-giveaway assistant Loudmouse. Oh, the humanity.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ONE GIANT STEP FOR DUFF ANIMATION, ONE SMALL STEP TO FONZ AND THE HAPPY DAYS GANG
HICKORY HOUSE
(1973-78)
GRANADA
EVER-RELIABLE STOOGE ALAN "PICTURE BOX" ROTHWELL ("Hello!") had a house, which he promptly buggered off from ("Goodbye!"), leaving various household objects to have the usual housebound adventures before he got back. To wit: Dusty Mop ("a very houseproud fellow"), sleepy Humphrey Cushion ("who eats too much and collects everything") and the Handle Family who lived on the Welsh dresser, all courtesy Barry Smith's Theatre of Puppets. Those female companions to Rothwell's "Doctor" in the house - AMANDA "ALMA" BARRIE (1973), NICOLETTE CHAFFEY (1974), LOUISE "WATCH" HALL-TAYLOR (1975-7), and JULIE NORTH (1977-8). A flutey theme tune completed the lunchtime cosiness. Pianist - Derek Hilton.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."CAN I HAVE A BANANA NOW?"
XYLOPHONE-WIELDING THREE-NOTE monster and world record holder for a) greatest number of miserable characters in any sitcom and b) begatter of multi-catchphase congestion ("Hello campers!" "...Ho-de-ho!" "Knobbly knee-contest begins at 3pm" "'Ave you seen my famous people on the toilet routine?" "I wanna be a Yellowcoat" "Barry, please" "Oh go on Ted, go on" "Not now, Gladys"). Out of all DAVID CROFT's ensemble efforts, this was undoubtedly the least likable, as summed up by that familiar 'You Have Been Watching...' farewell salute in this instance not just going on the longest but also comprising the most can't-be-arsed and often downright ugly of all those "beauty parade" closing sequences. At least the participants of 'ALLO, 'ALLO hammed it up rotten, usually reprising one of the best moments from the preceding half hour (albeit in mime form, rooted to the spot and having engaged in a swift costume change from whatever ludicrous fancy dress outfit they'd ended the episode in). And at least they made an effort to look interested during the playout of ARE YOU BEING SERVED?, or just plain daft in IT AIN'T HALF HOT MUM. As far as HI-DE-HI! was concerned, however, everybody was pissed off during their credit cameo: Jeffrey Fairbrother was discomfited (ditto his replacement Clive Dempster); Gladys Pugh frosty; Ted Bovis arrogant; Spike pathetic; Peggy mithering; Fred absolutely fucked off with everything and everyone; Yvonne and Barry petulant; Mr Partridge soused; Sylvia devious; Betty boring; and the 'Yellowcoat Boys' downright creepy. Not one of them was happy at garnering the studio audience's generous plaudits. Not a single one! Sourfaced bastards. Still, it made for a damn sight more interesting sight than the opening titles, wherein Paul Shane's voice was upstaged by some black and white holiday prints.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...IF YOU'VE GOT THE BLUES, I'VE GOT SOME NEWS. YUP, IT'S ANOTHER 26-PART SERIES!
THE HIGH CHAPPARAL
(1967-71)
NBC
BLATANT COPY of same station's BONANZA, but none too shabby for all that. Set in late 19th century Arizona with authentic Tucson-based filmage, top America-discoverer LEIF ERICKSON took the lead role as Big John Cannon. Many a 50-minute slot was filled with The Cannons (wife Victoria, son Blue, brother Buck and brother-in-law Manolito) giving rustlers, Apaches and Mexicans a-kicking. When the shit got too deep they sent for help from Victoria and Manolito's dad at the ranch next door.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THEME TUNE WAS GALLUMPHING ORCHESTRAL REWRITE OF "TELSTAR", FOR NO READILY APPARENT REASON
FRIGHTFUL FRIDAY evening non-comedy from the pen of JIMMY "DAD'S HOT MUM 'ALLO" PERRY. A bunch of shopkeepers (shoe-repair, florist, wool, junk) fend off evil hypermarket empire builders. Junk shop owner's resemblance to Lee Van Cleef constituted only visible (and endlessly repeated) gag.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THE WEEKEND DIDN'T START HERE
HARRY SECOMBE buys a Senior Citizen's Railcard and heads off on a decade-long excursion to admire some of the country's most famous religious relics - and to look at a few buildings as well. Route strictly determined by the necessity to visit every ITV region at least once a year, which while posing no problem for, say, Granada, probably exercised the tourist information officers of Guernsey ("Well, we've the cliffs, or the sea, or the sea and the cliffs, or a pregnant puffin..."). At each location a celebrity would be conveniently waiting, ready to share their "spiritual journey through life" and then shut up while Harry sang a hymn on a nearby hilltop.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BLUSTERY
THE HIGHWAYMAN
(LATE 1980s)
GLEN A. LARSON
MULTI-WHEELED FUTURISTIC private dickery and crime fighting nonsense with SAM "FLASH GORDON" JONES positioned behind the wheel of various large automobiles. Black trucks with cars inside, black trucks with helicopters inside, aliens, clones, vampires, ghosts, electronic brain surveillance and any other proto-X-Files drivel that Glen's boys and girls could dream up. Also featured JANE "ATE A RAT IN 'V'" BADLER and TIM RUSS.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."TONIGHT, EPISODE 7: 'FRIGHTMARE'"
H |
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