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"RICHARD DEAN ANDERSON will be in my dreams tonight!"
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...PRODUCED BY THE FONZ, NO LESS
THE MACHINE GUNNERS
(1983)
BBC
PROBABLY SHOWN in every school in the country at some point during the mid-80s, this was stirring stuff indeed for Auntie's 5.10pm Wednesday playhouse. Based on an original novel by Robert Westall, itself a staple secondary school library text, here were a bunch of kids trying to survive the Blitz and passing, nay pissing away the hours collecting junk rained down from helpfully dead Hun. Crucially, they were all far removed from your usual Posh Children Throwing Hissy Fits, and hence all the more believable, regularly beating each other up in the bargain. Central kid, Chas McGill (SHAUN TAYLOR) finds a Luftwaffe plane shot down near his rabbit hutch "den" and, being the first to claim it, saws the machine gun from the gun turret and adds it to his hideout. Cue much angst and grubby-faced griping amongst his mates, besides attempts to shoot down other aircraft. Later, the pilot of the plane, Rudi, shows up and is taken prisoner. Much soul-searching and, ultimately, tragedy follows. Grim stuff, the kind to shut up even the stroppiest joker at the back of the class.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."SHURRUP - IS THAT THE BELLS? TELL ME, IS THAT THE BELLS?"
NO-SHAGS-BARRED MELODRAMA of a Scots builder (JACK GALLOWAY) in fifties London "determined to succeed". And shag everyone, including LYNDA "REMEMBER PRESTON?" BELLINGHAM. Based, inevitably, on an Andrea "BOUQUET" Newman story.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."YOU'VE GOT MAGIC HANDS...ALONG WITH A FEW OTHER MAGIC BITS AND PIECES"
MACMILLAN AND WIFE
(1971-75)
CBS
SAN FRANCISCO chief of police decides to do "things my own way" and employ the missus as sidekick. ROCK HUDSON and SUSAN ST. JAMES argued over the coffee and doughnuts.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...PILOT SHOW "ONCE UPON A DEAD MAN" MEMORABLE FOR FEATURING A) KURT "FITZHUGH OFF LAND OF THE GIANTS" KASZNAR, AND B) A CLIMACTIC CHASE ON BICYCLES
SMUGGLED PET cat brings rabies to our green and pleasant land. Common Market overtones as, by the second of three hour-long episodes, proceedings turned into a dog-shooting exercise with foaming deaths of proles throwing in for good measure. Yet another THREADS-esque we're-all-fucked 1980s efforts.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."MMMMMWUWFFWUUWWGRGRRH!" "SHOOT HER! IT'S THE ONLY WAY!" "I CAN'T!"
IN THE words of KENNETH WILLIAMS: "It's MATTHEW KELLY isn't it?! Game for a laugh!" Stripey-jumpered 'stravaganza with the aforementioned Kellerman showcasing kids' hobbies, usually involving some dull child with Super-8 home movies of an unconvincing alleged UFO.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."SUPER!"
ONCE MORE unto the Grade. Another of those made-for-America-but-with-a-few-Brit-parts-to-help-boost-the-pound efforts. BETTE DAVIS and ROBERT WAGNER mingled with the likes of DUDLEY SUTTON in a ropey yarn about rayguns and Scottish glens.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...DID NOTHING FOR THE POUND EITHER
IMPENETRABLE MELODRAMA out of the same school as 1983's THE WATERFALL ("It's beautiful!"), comprising a procession of endless shots of fjords, burning houses, ultra-soft sex scenes and...some dolls. Always the dolls. At the same time some kind of of mystical murder plottery was going on, but nobody had a clue, both taking part and watching. Became "why oh why" cause celebre on POINTS OF VIEW.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."YOUR GUESS IS AS GOOD AS MINE, MR CHARTERIS OF POTTERS BAR"
CHIPPER CHICANERY from north of the border with the titular scamp, aka KIRSTY MILLER, railing against the conformities of her Stock BBC Working Class Family. For much of the country, the first time they'd seen Glasgow on telly. Plenty of early 80s issues including teenage pregnancy, boyfriend trouble and a ubiquitous BA Robertson soundtrack won it a 6pm BBC2 transmission time, in the process cementing that slot as the home for anything too stroppy to air before teatime.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...MR BRONSON WAS HER DAD, AND GREGORY'S GIRL HER BEST MATE
JULIA MACKENZIE, playing herself, is a divorced teacher living next door to IRENE HANDL, also playing herself. Neither can leave well alone.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THESE THINGS ARE SENT TO TRY US
THE MAGIC BALL
(1970s)
FILMFAIR
EARLY SHOT as cut-out cartoonery from the MR BENN mob, with likenesses clearly evident. Every episode involved young, archetypal cap-and-shorts schoolboy Sam visiting his Aunt's junk shop in some idyllic Cornish village with his magic ball, which somehow triggered a historical escapade involving a different bit of antique crap on the shelves. And as was the law of the time, narrated by RAY BROOKS.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."PRETTY SOON EVERYTHING WAS BACK TO NORMAL..."
THE MAGIC BOOMERANG
(1960s)
AUSTRALIA
ANTIPODEAN ANTIQUE no doubt burnt/drowned/disintegrated long ago, but still kicking around the outpatients of a few minds. Requisite Freckled Child finds boomerang which when thrown makes "all time stand still" (as stentorian voiceover patiently informed every week). As long as the boomerang remained aloft our hero could dash between, say, warring adults and replace the baddies' axe with a stick of celery or liquorice pipe. Special effects weren't that convincing, however: despite "all time standing still", the action was always shot against a background of trees which continued to sway in the wind, while the "frozen" actors would waver and tremble as though this was the fifteenth take.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WHOMEVER OWNS THE BOOMERANG HAS GREAAAAAAAAAAT POWERRRRRRRRR!"
BEFORE OPTING for a cushy part-time number as Paul Daniels's "magic consultant" (a job that surely consisted of just saying the words "Stop it"), the Michael Bentine of conjuring ALI BONGO anchored this kids magicarama "aided and abetted" by hopeless puppet cat in a fez, Ali Cat. Lots of "tricks to try at home", usually involving a) a glass b) a handkerchief c) a thimble (for any working class children watching). Dopey kid magicians in oversized top hats wandered in and out.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."AND A LITTLE SPRINKLE OF MAGIC SALT..."
MAGIC MICRO MISSION
(1983)
ITV
UNLIKELY ENTRY in the 1980s parade of home computer shows, by dint of being on ITV and masquerading as kids teatime entertainment. ADRIAN HEDLEY was captain of a plywood-and-tinfoil spaceship, flying through blue screen galaxies on a magic micro mission to, er, get celebs of the likes of WILLIE RUSHTON to to play Manic Miner against each other. And that was it. Also included second-in-command JO WHEELER and "Egghead", a humorously-dressed expert (of some description) who sat at the back to dispense deadpan information. Plus, for good measure (though also for bad), there was a ship's computer with an "amusing" "personality". Finally, said vessel somehow managed to boast, yes, a studio audience full of kids. But not the kind you wanted to hang out with. They were never that kind.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...MISSION INTERMINABLE
MAGIC ROUNDABOUT, THE
(1965-71, 1974-77)
SERGE DANOT
FINEST FRENCH export since Pasteurisation. Roll call: lank-haired sausage dog, Dougal, with penchant for sugar lumps; his mate Florence; perma-nodding snail mate Brian; deranged, be-hatted, flower-chewing, 360-degree-headed cow thing Ermintrude; lazy bastard hippy rabbit Dylan; hurdy-gurdy mastermind and keeper of the titular 'bout Mr. Rusty; terrifying train The Train; demented cyclist Mr McHenry; and of course, spring-loaded Cuban revolutionary and bedtime mentioner Zebedee. All lived on a bit of white paper with primary coloured flowers (monochrome in the 60s episode) and the occasional cuboid lying about. Crowning glory was ERIC THOMPSON's narration, which he made up on the spot in a BBC cupboard to accompany the entirely mute French visuals. Whole country, apparently, would stop to watch at teatime, including Mr Wilson.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...RUBBISHY 90S REVIVAL FOUND NATURAL HOME IN THE CHANNEL FOUR DAILY
MAGILLA GORILLA
(LATE 1960s)
HANNA-BARBERA
ABOUT TIME for another crappy effort from Will and Joe, this time starring the eponymous ape and his short moustachioed owner. Was perpetually "for sale", a fact attested in the opening song, rendered tunelessly by the little bloke, a certain Mr. Peebles.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...RIPE FOR EXTINCTION
THE MAGNIFICENT EVANS/CLARENCE
(1984/88)
BBC
TWO POST-RONNIES roustabouts for BARKER of middling spectacle (ho ho). Evans was an amorous photographer in Edwardian Wales, Clarence a short-sighted removals man. Both were too caricatured for Ron to find much to get a handle on, with too much reliance on dirty pictures and dropping vases respectively.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BACK TO THE ANTIQUES SHOP
MAGNUM PI
(1981-87)
GLEN A. LARSON
"THE SHIRTS to watch," boasted the endless ITV trailers. Larcernous Larsonery with sleazy wretch Thomas Sullivan Magnum (TOM SELLECK) mooching around hundreds of Hawaii islands which all looked the same in order to protect the estate of writer Robin Masters, aka The Voice Of ORSON WELLES. Hi-hi-hilarity ensues when Masters employes a stuck-up English manservant, Higgins (JOHN HILLERMAN), with whom Magnum ha-ha-has nothing in common. Numerous nubile assistants showed up along the way, and the whole thing ended with Selleck being killed and sent to heaven. But then it got recommissioned and Tom's death became "a dream", before second finale found Tom back in the navy and Higgins apparently the real Robin Masters. Utter preposterousness.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...EVERY EPISODE HAD TO HAVE A SCENE WITH TOM GETTING TICKED OFF BY HIGGING FOR NOT LEAVING THE TOILET SEAT DOWN OR SOMETHING
MAGPIE
(1968-80)
THAMES
BLUE-PETER-BEATING ITV kids' magazine, staffed, in chronological order, as follows.
Initially, TONY BASTABLE, PETE BRADY and SUSAN STRANKS, a dream team covering all bases ("Between them, Magpie's three presenters have a wide range of hobbies and interests. Pete's water ski-ing and Sue's cycling have already been featured in the programme, but Tony's main interest in history still requires more of an airing. Tony - "I'm the old-fashioned type" - hopes to share his enthusiasm for the more unusual aspects of things past with viewers."). Lots of features on behind-the-scenes goings-on at the Thames studios, partly because kids were fascinated by all that, but mainly because it was very cheap.
1969 saw the introduction of PUFF THE PONY ("Just 12 hands, 2in high - 4ft. 2in, to the uninitiated - Puff is eight years old and seems to be enjoying his television life") along with riding expert PAULINE VOSS, and the expansion of the programme to a twice-weekly 'Peter-ish slot ("Twice-weekly means double the information, double the entertainment and twice as many chances to win one of the splendid Magpie badges -or "A day with the Magpie film unit" prizes. To launch the "dynamic duo," Magpie introduces a new feature. Following the highly successful item on the American Apollo Moon shot a few weeks ago, letters poured in to producer Sue Turner and it was decided to extend the idea to cover all aspects of space flight. Pete Brady, with the expert help of TV Times Science Editor Peter Fairley, presents the "ABC of space", which will examine everything from "Astronaut"-today's subject-to "Zero g"). For the lads, an early football skills initiative set out to enlist "the managers and stars of soccer to demonstrate every facet of the game from the role of the attacking forward to goalkeeping, from the sweeper-up to the full back." Meanwhile, "The competition to find a name for the fat little Magpie bird that is featured in the programme's opening film proved enormously popular. More than 20,000 votes were received and from the five possible names viewers chose Murgatroyd. It was a case of coast-to-coast inspiration because the winning nominators came from Kent, Tees-side, Surrey, Gloucester and London." It didn't stop there - '69 also saw the launch of "Magpie's 'floating studio' Thames Magpie, at a grand launching ceremony at Shepperton, Middlesex. Lady Dorothy Rose, wife of round-the-world voyager Sir Alec Rose, will perform the traditional ceremonials, and it is hoped to show viewers round Sir Alec's boat, Lively Lady. Many distinguished people will be at this gala occasion, and you can meet the woodcarver who made the twin figureheads for Thames Magpie. She has two figureheads because as One is for Sorrow, there had to be a Two for Joy!" It was all taking off by now - "Magpie seems to have started a new cult. The programme's files now contain details of more than a dozen Magpie clubs started by viewers up and down the country, at least four boats have been named Magpie and there are three pop groups composed of young viewers who have called themselves the Magpies."
1970 brought both Susan's Back in Gear historical fashion segment and the Magpie Mystery Tour: "Magpie hopes to be coming to you 'live' from a very special outside broadcast location. It should be spectacular, amusing, and amazing, with a strong equine slant." There was also the first BP-apeing summer expedition - "Where have they been during the summer? The whole Magpie team flew halfway round the world to film and record interesting stories from the Far East. Among the places they stayed: Manila in the Philippines and Hongkong." On the more serious side, there was "Can You Cope? in which the programme's team is joined by TV Doctor Michael Winstanley. The topics dealt with are not limited to the purely medical, but include advice on what to do in a variety of situations. For example: would you know how to set about stopping the water flow from a burst pipe? What would you do if you saw strangers acting suspiciously next door? This feature aims to tell you."
1971 saw the first personnel change, as Brady made way for "wee Scot" DOUGIE RAE, very much stepping into the Noakesian "action man" mantle: "who's been out training with the British Olympic Ski Team? Look at those beautiful bruises Doug is sporting and no more need be said!" Newsdesk rounded up local clubs and events in a community-minded style. The Magpie Appeal began, its total indicated by line going through "the Thames studios here at Teddington Lock."
1973, and researcher MICK ROBERTSON replaced Bastable, who moved behind the scenes into a producer's role (taking over from the ubiquitous ROGER PRICE). Dougie, meanwhile, continued to milk a self-deprecating line in heightist gags ("Douglas Rae is not very large - in fact to put it bluntly he's rather small - so he's been out learning about the art of self-defence.")
1974 saw the original team finally evaporate for good, as Stranks handed over to Tory MP's sister JENNY HANLEY. Worthy Magpie Special programmes on disabilities, country life, endangered species and the like were commonplace.
1977 - Dougie ups sticks, leaving a two-handed team for a while until the ever-loving TOMMY BOYD joins proceedings in the autumn, heralding a second Golden Age team that would last until the final edition on 6th June 1980.
The 'Pie's Much-debated 'working class credentials' seemed to stem mostly from the fact that a) it wasn't on the BBC, and b) Princess Anne never went on it.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."AND AFTER CHRISTMAS WE HOPE TO BE HERE, UP BY THE CAFETERIA SERVING HATCH"
SOME HOPE. Here was another plate of MARK CURRY served up whenever TREASURE HOUSES wasn't on, and involving our man lazily bunging on ancient creaky Keystone Cops and Harold Lloyd silents from a pretend cinema while an off-screen American voiceover man did the real work ("Uh-oh! Here comes young Harold with a pie! Now, what could possibly go wrong?") Also purported to "lift the lid" on how some of those "wacky tricks" were done, but only of the calibre of "how can one man appear to be carrying both ends of a roll of carpet?"
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...DUR. YOU JUST RUN ROUND THE BACK OF THE CAMERA.
MAKE IT COUNT
(1982)
CHANNEL 4
A WELCOME re-appearance for LORD FRED HARRIS, here hosting a way-better-than-those-BBC-efforts adult numeracy knockabout with the help of a six-foot-high calculator, "on loan from the British Army Pay Corps". What a wag.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WALKING DOWN THE MAIN STREET EVERY DAY..."
LOUSY TEATIME tripe marshalled into mithersome existence by BERNIE WINTERS, who invited audience members to sit in a swivel chair and not laugh at a minute's worth of the usual suspects (JIMMY CRICKET, STAN BOARDMAN etc.) They invariably laughed. You didn't.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."OOOH, SHE'S GOING..."
MAKING THE MOST OF THE MICRO/MICRO LIVE/MICRO FILE
(1983-86)
BBC
LONGEST-RUNNING AND most imperial of all the Beeb's home computer shows, this took the semi-estimable IAN MACNAUGHT-DAVIES from THE COMPUTER PROGRAMME and teamed him up with LESLEY JUDD (who, post-BLUE PETER, was becoming quite the proto-Vorderman, what with THE GREAT EGG RACE and sundry schools science programmes to boot) and, yes he's back, LORD FRED HARRIS, to comprise a tremulous trio of technogurus. The original MAKING... was a half-hour BBC2 show presented from a black limbo and taking in computer news ("The Dragon Computer company is in financial trouble"), special features and the occasional interview. Fred road-tested speech synthesisers with the phrase "Power mowers are thoroughly tough, though." Then, one Sunday morning, they decided to do an epic live show from Pebble Mill, wherein the rubbish BBC Buggy broke down on cue. More came under the title MICRO LIVE. MacNaught looked on aghast as a Prestel link was hacked into by an outside culprit while they watched. MICRO FILE was basically just a return to the original evening format, this time adding fresh-faced US college boy FREFF reporting from Carnegie-Mellon University. Macnaught enthused over transputers. Fred sung odes to the Amiga 1000, in particular DPaint I. Truly, another age.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FRED'S CAPRICIOUS COMPUTERY IS NEEDED NOW MORE THAN EVER, SURELY?
OLDE ENGLISH cobblers from another Catherine Cookson bodiceboiler concerning the exploits of badger-haired loony squire JOHN HALLAM and the usual in-out, in-out with corsets flapping and windswept Northumberland locations...er, flapping. 1980 sequel wasn't much different.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE LIKE RAPE?" "BUT THAT'S WHAT YOU LOVE THE BEST!"
MAN ABOUT THE HOUSE
(1973-76)
THAMES
NEITHER AGE nor any number of middling Martin Clunes-based rehashes shall wither the legend of Robin Tripp (RICHARD O'SULLIVAN) who used his roguish charm and cookery skills to bag a flat with incomparable pairing of Chrissy (PAULA WILCOX) and Jo (SALLY THOMSETT). This was sitcom at its very very best, with easy gags, easy plots, fanciable leads and fanciful supports, namely incompetent balding landlord George (BRIAN MURPHY) and his loopy mantrap wife Mildred (YOOTHA JOYCE). You know what went on. Climbing up drainpipes. Never quite shagging anyone. Dead budgie Christmas episode. Film spinoff with "a galaxy of stars" ("Yes, Thames Television, Euston Road please). The "Beans! Beans! Chunky chicken!" driving test. And that superlative parpy theme tune. Even more to its credit, both spin-offs - ROBIN'S NEST and GEORGE AND MILDRED - were equally outstanding.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ENDED WITH NOT ROBIN, BUT - LOOK OUT! - HIS BROTHER WINNING PAULA'S HAND, THE SWINE
UNREMITTINGLY GRIM this-is-real-life-so-you-better-get-used-to-it strand launched as "flagship" current affairs output of still-teething BBC2. Stamping ground for many a Beeb ego, with early years dominated by terrifying DESMOND WILCOX/ESTHER RANTZEN two-headed hydra. In-house gag dubbed the show "Desmond's weepies" due to regularity of episodes featuring grubby-faced women (usually prostitutes) blubbing uncontrollaby while the camera zoomed up their nose. TREVOR PHILPOTT and JOHN PITMAN regular contributors. Earnest adherence to "ordinary people" agenda offset by seminal jazzy waltz theme by Sir TONY HATCH - replete with finger-clicks from, who else, finger-in-every-pie Wilcox.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AXED WHEN BEEB BOSSES THOUGHT THE EPISODES WERE GETTING TOO LONG, AND REPLACED WITH NO-CLOCK-MESSING FORTY MINUTES
A MAN CALLED INTREPID
(1979)
NBC
DAVID NIVEN. Of course.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ABLY GARLANDED WITH ON-SCREEN FLATTERY BY MICHAEL YORK AND GAYLE HUNNICUTT
MORE FUTURISTIC folly, this time involving space rebel types hooking up with present day kids and, well, transplanting their dying leader's mind into the kids' dog until they can return home. Seems obvious when you think about it. Extra points scored for unannounced appearance of MOLLIE SUGDEN, and episodes called "The Man Who Could Walk Through Doors" and "There Is No Duncan".
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...A MUTT-LEY BUSINESS
MAN FROM ATLANTIS
(1977-78)
US
"DO NOT follow me. I am going to the main airlock." For what reason? "I do not know." Bet you do really. "I will tell you later." So ran the acquatic antics of half-man, half-fish Mark Harris (PATRICK DUFFY), about whom a voiceover was always at pains to point out: "Childer-en are warned not to attempt to copy Mark Harris". And so we did, either the silly hands-by-sides underwater bodypopping swimming stroke (difficult - tendency to sink like a stone), the having gills and webbed hands (very difficult) or the sleeping in a bath full of water (easy but dangerous). BELINDA J. MONTGOMERY bankrolled him at the Foundation for Oceanic Research. The Cetacean was the name of the submarine which drove Mark around the sea bed. A bit pointless, seeing as he could walk it anyway.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...OVERALL, THEN? "I WILL TELL YOU LATER"
THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E.
(1965-68)
MGM
ARCH CAMPERY of a non-Connery kind (well, at least until Diamonds Are Forever) wherein ROBERT "NAPOLEON SOLO" VAUGHAN and DAVID "ILYA KURYAKIN" MACALLUM go out the back of Del Floria's tailors into the steel-lined corridors and tape spools world of the United Network Command for Law Enforcement for much battling of THRUSH (which stood for bugger all) armed only with a special gun, an ace theme by JERRY GOLDSMITH and the hopes of the free world. Episodes later stitched together to form iffy big screen affairs before begatting inferior GIRL FROM UNCLE.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...EVERY EPISODE WAS "THE ... AFFAIR", TO WIT: THE KOOKY SPOOK AFFAIR, THE MY FRIEND THE GORILLA AFFAIR, THE SORT OF DO-IT-YOURSELF DREADFUL AFFAIR, THE YO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF RUM AFFAIR. AND THEY WONDERED WHY NOBODY TOOK IT SERIOUSLY
MAN IN A SUITCASE
(1967-68)
ITC
CERTAINLY WERE a hell of a lot of these "Men" about in the old days. Here's RICHARD BRADFORD, living out of the titular travelling item in order to fight "unconventional" forces in "unconventional" ways, almost always culminating in a fist fight in a rural location on a blue screen.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ALL TO THE SWINGING SOUNDS OF, AHEM, TFI FRIDAY
ROISTERING RESISTANCE tales from World War Two France, clearing its throat by way of Beethoven's Fifth and a cartwheeling Islamic procession of swastikas. Each week PETER BARKWORTH tried his damndest to stop the filthy vile Hun from discovering neither the lovely CYD HAYMAN nor "plucky" British pilot ALFRED BURKE, all the while giving dastardly local Obergrumphenabwehrfunfencommandanten bastard ROBERT HARDY the slip. Went on for 26 weeks, (the show, not the war) but then again it was the only thing the LWT drama department could afford to make at the time.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."THEY SLIP THROUGH MY GRASP AGAIN! I WILL HUNT THEM DOWN AND KILL THEM!"
MANIMAL
(1983)
YEP, YOU GUESSED IT - GLEN A. LARSON
.JPG)
WAS THERE no beginning to Glen's talents? This way lies SIMON MACCORKINDALE, playing a professor who could somehow change into either a panther, hawk or snake at will, by dint of close-ups of a wobbly rubber hand turning into a sort of paw/claw. Plus shit make-up. Naturally those freakish powers were used to "fight crime", though the relevancy of a snake in a delicate terrorist hostage situation beats us.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...PUT IT DOWN TO THE STYLE OF THE TIMES. OR BETTER STILL, JUST PUT IT DOWN
MANN'S BEST FRIENDS
(1985)
CHANNEL 4
FROM THE pen of ROY CLARKE, therefore old people doing demented things while shouting a lot and rearranging the china well to the fore. FULTON MACKAY, BERNARD BRESSLAW, LIZ SMITH and CLIVE MERRISON were among those trying to find the "com" to add to the "sit".
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AND FAILING
THE MANY WIVES OF PATRICK
(1976-78)
LWT
DOPEY OLD buffer forgets where he's left his spouses and gets hitched not once, not twice, not thrice, but six times. That the blatherer in question is PATRICK CARGILL and one of the simpering sextet was ELSPETH GRAY renders the whole thing somehow unsurprising. As with most lecherous billy goats of the 1970s, Cargill's character - Patrick Woodford - was also stupidly camp, as if that somehow explained things. Also had a daughter who was Susan in the Dr Who films.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...FAIR FEW NOTCHES ABOVE MIND YOUR LANGUAGE, BUT THEN WHAT WASN'T?
TWITTERING TWOSOME raise havoc in a decorous 1920s village populated with the likes of NIGEL HAWTHORNE. PRUNELLA SCALES and GERALDINE MCEWAN were the titular sticky beaks, alternately fussing and fighting over the location of a lost teacake or relative. Generous production values and nifty casting helped make it far more than the sum of its fey parts.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."OH RESERVOIR"
T-REX MAINMAN hosts glamstravaganza, grudgingly providing a platform for various division two punk acts towards the end. Final show notable for featuring an out-of-control jousting duet with an obviously spaced David Bowie resulting in Marc falling off stage and collapsing, mere days before car/tree miscoordination.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...OUCH
MARINE BOY
(1969-70)
SEVEN ARTS
JAPANESE CARTOONERY featuring the eponymous unnamed briny-basher battling deadly "foes" such as Captain Kidd and Dr Slime, all the while staying alive by - of course - chewing oxygen-rich gum. Had a pet white dolphin called Splasher, a fish called Cli Cli, and mermaid mate called Neptina. Dad was Dr Mariner, boss of Ocean Patrol, yet another organisation (see THE MAN FROM ATLANTIS) dedicated to ensuring the sea wasn't filled with communists or such like.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...OTHER PREPOSTEROUS GADGETRY: AN ELECTRIC BOOMERANG (CLEARLY AN INDISPENABLE ITEM FOR THE UNDERWATER INVESTIGATOR), A BULLET-PROOF WETSUIT (THAT'S MORE LIKE IT) AND JET-PROPELLED FLYING BOOTS (ER...)
RAY BRADBURY'S THE MARTIAN CHRONICLES
(1980)
CHARLES FRIES/SUBOTSKY
MISBEGOTTEN HOTCH-POTCH of 70s production values and 50s plotlines which was both bizarre and dull, often simultaneously. Long sequences of greenhouse construction in slo-mo on the Martian surface (the 70s) mixed poorly with smoking rockets, retro aliens and minimalist Martian cities (the 50s, and how!) ROCK HUDSON was head explorer, RODDY MacDOWELL head alien, and GAYLE HUNNICUT was... Gayle Hunnicut.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."YOU TESTED THE GYROSCOPE?"
MARTY/MARTY AMOK/IT'S MARTY!/THE MARTY FELDMAN COMEDY MACHINE
(1968-74)
BBC/ATV
PUPIL-POPPING PARADE of slapstick and speeded-up shenanigans which sprawled across many a year (and channel) but always traded in the same business: double-time running about; period costumery with present-day gags; monsters in dog baskets; monsters behind people masks; triple-time running about; and shouting. Most of it was written by BARRY TOOK. The good bits.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THE EYES HAVE IT
MARY, MUNGO AND MIDGE
(1970s)
BBC
DO YOU live in a town? Mary (human) Mungo (dog) and Midge (piccolo-playing mouse) did. Each week they left the flat and checked out some urban goings-on, from building site to street market. Newsreader RICHARD BAKER narrated. Manipulated cut-out live "animation" courtesy John Ryan Studios (see also CAPTAIN PUGWASH). Closing credits (it was fun right to the end!) elaborately held up over a set of building blocks by Midge.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...YOU MUST ALWAYS WAIT FOR THE LIFT DOORS TO CLOSE
MOST EXPENSIVE TV film ever, apparently. Roman Empire epic boasting PETER O'TOOLE, ANTHONY QUAYLE, TIMOTHY WEST, WARREN CLARKE and MICHAEL ELPHICK parading around in, despite the ostensible gargantuan budget, bedsheets.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NO EXPENSE SPARED, SAVE PLAUSIBLE DIALOGUE, ACTING AND TOGAS
M*A*S*H
(1972-84)
TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX
"YOUR WEDNESDAY night entertainment on BBC2 continues at 9pm with another helping of..."
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...IT BRINGS ON MANY CHANGES
MASQUERADE
(1983)
ALL BACK TO GLEN A LARSON'S PLACE?
HEAVENS, IT'S been all of, what, 11 entries since we last mentioned Glen? It feels a lot fucking less. Here he is rounding up more of his celebrity mates, this time for a "knowing" spy romp, including ROD TAYLOR, KIRSTIE ALLEY, GREG EVIGAN, ERNEST BORGNINE, OLIVER REED, CYBILL SHEPHERD and RICHARD ROUNDTREE.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...DID THE MAN EVER SLEEP?
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