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SAILOR to SIMON IN THE LAND OF CHALK DRAWINGS
SIN ON SATURDAY to SPY FORCE
SPYTRAP to SYKES
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SIN ON SATURDAY
(1982)
BBC SCOTLAND
IT'S THE FALKSTER again, as Bernard, moonlighting from his pretend secret base in NOW GET OUT OF THAT, prepares to do a live eight-week summer fill-in for Parky with a chat show line-up of the usual suspects examining a different misdemeanour every week. Yes, that's an eight-week fill-in. Not seven. Because, of course, there's that well-known "eighth" deadly sin, "Getting Away With It". Anyhow, thanks chiefly to a pissed-up OLIVER REED disrupting the proceedings in predictable style, the thing was pulled after two weeks and Getting Away With It had, indeed, got away.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...EXECRABLE OPENING TITLES HAD BERNIE PULLING FACES TO DEMONSTRATE EACH "SIN"
SIN WITH OUR PERMISSION
(1981)
ATV
MILTON KEYNES-BAITING drama about a new town which controls its citizens via a bizarre daily soap, PAUL EDDINGTON and ROBIN BAILEY.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BRAVE NEW CROSSROADS
THE SINGING DETECTIVE
(1986)
BBC
THE PINNACLE of Potterism. Here, over six weeks on peak time Sunday BBC1, was childhood repression, physical degradation, casual racism, a profusion of breastage, village school bullying, turds in desks, runaway wheelchairs, runaway Underground trains, too too too much flaky skin, PATRICK MALAHIDE's bare bonking arse in the woods, imaginary hitmen, pulp crime fiction, palm court dance bands, word games, ALISON STEADMAN - or maybe JANET SUZMAN - being fished naked out of the Thames, talking scarecrows, the tallest tree in the world and MICHAEL GAMBON getting his penis greased. All set to the swinging sound of 1940s popular music classics. "When I grow up, everything, everything will be all right."
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."I'LL FIND OUT THINGS - I'LL FIND OUT WHO DONE IT"
THE SINGING RINGING TREE
(1958)
THE GOOD FOLK OF CZECHOSLOVAKIA
UBIQUITOUSLY HALF-REMEMBERED dubbed film featuring (in no particular order): a handsome prince, an arrogant princess, an "aged" king, a nurse, a wicked dwarf, a captain-of-the-guard, a sort of cardboard dolphin and, well, a singing, ringing tree. That may have been able to speak as well. With the usual moralistic undertone, the princess was "turned ugly" until she started performing good deeds for local folks. Of course.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER IN, ER, A COMMUNIST UTOPIA
QUARTET OF big-haired, big-suited losers meet in none-more-late-80s "sit" venue of a singles bar and proceed to chase each other's affections in search of "com". Basically, DUTY FREE without the hiding-in-wardrobes and shouty-foreign-stewards. ROGER REES, JUDY LOE, EAMON BOLAND and SUSIE BLAKE were the eponymous billy-no-mates. Premise eked out year after year by dint of a sequence of preposterous plot conceits, such as the long-lost friend turning up out of the blue with a roving eye and wallet to match (a badly miscast SIMON CADELL - he's always supposed to play victims, dammit!) and ditzy Scouse barmaid GINA MAHER "remembering" a crucial bit of information at an equally crucial place in the episode, i.e. sixty seconds before the closing credits.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...DO YER TALKING WHILE YER WALKING
.JPG)
PETER DAVIDSON puts on a northern accent and lives in a houseboat for this on-a-budget sitcommery shown at the very same time as he was applying the rules of cricket to the laws of space and time in DR WHO. Which was wrong. Had a vegetarian girlfriend, SARA CORPER, and an annoying younger brother, ROBERT GLENISTER. Pranks and pratfalls ensued. In-jokes about police boxes did not.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...OOH ECK, BEST GET BACK IN THE TARDIS
SIR PRANCELOT
(LATE 1960s)
BBC
JAUNTY MEDIEVAL goings-on from the CAPTAIN PUGWASH stable of slaked cut-out capers. A fanfare signature tune heralded the appearance of the bumbling titular knight. The narrator was a jester with a cockney accent who played a lute (sounding rather like an electric guitar of the mid-90s Britpop jangly variety). Battles would ensue with the evil count Otto, taking in many Heath Robinson-style inventions from the good Sir P along the way. His missus, meantime, was enormous, and spoke in a Lady Bracknell-type voice.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...TAG LINE AT THE END OF EVERY EPISODE: "GORBLIMEY! LOOKS LIKE 'E'S 'AD IT, THEN!"
LEGENDARY UNSALVAGEABLE sitcom disaster which for a long time held the record for fastest "schedule shunt": from 7pm on a Friday for episode one to 12.05am on Sunday by episode three. Essentially a major lapse in taste, judgement et al by otherwise dependable bods DAVID NOBBS (script editor) and IAN DAVIDSON (director), pitching JIMMY EDWARDS into 13th century England as green-bellied knight of the realm, with distinctly 20th century line in patter, skits, frippery and so on. Best pal MELVYN HAYES assisted in battling dastardly Sir Griswold (ALAN CURTIS). Timing, decent gags, plotlines not amongst armoury.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...DEBUTED ON FRIDAY THE 13TH, APPROPRIATELY
SIT THI DEAWN
(LATE 1970s)
BBC NORTH WEST
HOMESPUN SUB-SPINNERS folkie quartet THE HOUGHTON WEAVERS in matching home-knit and beards terrorised the North West for the best part of a decade on a Tuesday evening as you waited for THE ROCKFORD FILES. Plenty of musical reminiscing about how life great used to be in the North in the good old days - rickets, cholic, unemployment, that sort of thing.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."IIIIIIII'VE LOVED YOU AND NOW I MUST LEAVE YOU". CHEERS THEN.
SIX ENGLISH TOWNS/SIX MORE ENGLISH TOWNS/ANOTHER BLOODY SIX ENGLISH TOWNS
(1978-84)
BBC
EPITOME OF CHEAPO look-at-this pointy telly. Chirpy curmudgeon ALEC CLIFTON-TAYLOR loitered down your local high street exposing architectural "glories" of otherwise-shitty looking corner shops, tea rooms and ever-present labour exchange. Buttresses, apses, oriels, mullions and pediments a-plenty. Eponymous venues were, for t'record, Chichester, Richmond, Tewkesbury, Stamford, Totnes, Ludlow, Warwick, Berwick-Upon-Tweed, Saffron Walden, Lewes, Bradford Upon-Avon, Beverley, Cirencester, Whitby, Bury St. Edmonds, Devizes, Sandwich and Durham.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."LURKING BEHIND THIS RATHER BATTERED HOARDING IS A MONSTRANCE OF MOST REMARKABLE QUALITIES..."
SIX FIFTY-FIVE SPECIAL
(1982)
BBC PEBBLE MILL
ABSOLUTELY SOD-ALL to do with Pete Murray, this Midlandcentric early evening ("when's it on again?") chat/variety show failed to stop the nation popping out early for a pint, but did feature the mind-blowing pairing of DAVID SOUL and Tiswas goddess SALLY JAMES as hosts.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WITH AN EXTRA XXXXXX FOR SALLY
THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN
(1974-79)
UNIVERSAL
GENTLEMEN, WE have the technology. We can rebuild him. Semi-legendary exploits of test pilot plane-crash-addled astronaut Steve Austin (LEE "FALL GUY" MAJORS) rebuilt by government with limbs, brain, heart, eyes with little crosshairs on them etc. Much slo-mo fighting, bending steel doors and lifting cars, all accompanied by that "cling-ing-ing-ing-ing" noise. RICHARD ANDERSON was his sort-of boss Oscar Goldman. And the surgeon's name was playground-titter-inducing Rudy. Later came a BIONIC WOMAN, boy, dog and seven million dollar man to boot.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...COULD THAT BE THE HAND OF GLEN A. LARSON ON THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER TILLER?
SIX O'CLOCK SHOW
(1982-87)
LWT
ASPEL-HELMED LONDON-ONLY weekend-starting magazine, notable for launching television careers of JANET STREET-PORTER and DANNY BAKER, while MASTERMIND's FRED HOUSEGO, CHRIS TARRANT and, on the way home from County Hall, KEN LIVINGSTONE were also on board. GREG DYKE was the brains behind it all. Became the most watched regional programme in Britain - unsurprising, really, with items like Janet jousting with pigeon fanciers or trying to raise a replica matchstick Titantic from a pond, or a live OB on Southend beach where the tide came in early and wrecked everything, or an item invaded by a bunch of kids, one of which was promptly picked up by the reporter and thrown across the street. Most memorable moment of all was furious contretemps at a railway station twixt an officious British Rail employee and a swarthy Baker who was attempting to elicit voxpops from the capital's plebs. Official: "Come on Danny, you know you can't film here." Baker: "How dare you! Don't you dare speak to me like that!"
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...HAD A BIG RED SIX AS THE LOGO AND THE SUBLIME ANIMATED OPENING TITLES INCLUDED PEOPLE SWINGING ON THOSE HAND STRAPS ON THE TUBE AND BIG BEN ROCKING IN TIME TO THE MUSIC
THE SIX WIVES OF HENRY VIII
(1970)
BBC
KEITH MITCHELL romps and bollocks his way through Renaissance England, wedding a select half dozen dames, wenches and tarts, slaughtering a couple dozen ex-buddies, creating a whole new religion, penning "Greensleeves", then croaking of obesity from sitting on his arse too much. Much-respected Beeb period "classic", with eponymous "wives", in numerical order, ANNETTE CROSBIE, DOROTHY TUTIN, ANNE STALLYBRASS, ELVI HALE, ANGELA PLEASANCE and ROSALIE CRUTCHELY as the one who survived the old bloater. PATRICK TROUGHTON, BERNARD HEPTON and ANTHONY "THE NARRATOR" QUAYLE looked on. Iffy film version replaced wives with more glitzy brood and roped in DONALD PLEASANCE as chief baddie Thomas "To the Tower!" Cromwell.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...LOSES POINTS FOR NOT HAVING GUY FAWKES TURN UP AT THE END LIKE CARRY ON HENRY
59 AND a half minutes too long, more like. The only saving grace of this lamentable replacement for NATIONWIDE were the opening titles, or rather the opening music, as the titles looked shit and involved a giant moving letter S that looked like a petulant snake. Everything else was a complete misfire, from po-faced DESMOND WILCOX as main presenter to badly-chosen boring features to Special Correspondents including SANDI TOKSVIG to the inevitable involvement of SARAH KENNEDY. Chased off air and slaughtered after nine months.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."NOW IT'S 6.18 AND TIME FOR THE WEATHER"
THE 60 70 80 SHOW
(LATE 1970s)
BBC
ROY HUDD was your ringleader for this half-remembered Sunday matins showcase for old folk, featuring tea-dances and darning.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CRUMPLED
THE SKILL OF LIP-READING
(1981)
BBC
FREAKO OLD maid duo host teach-yourself silent communication class by turning the sound off and saying things. Very, very strange Sunday morning eduslot, nestling awkwardly alongside RUSSIAN LANGUAGE AND PEOPLE and LYNN MARSHALL'S EVERYDAY YOGA.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."THE PAW-PAW CAN BE EATEN RAW..." APPARENTLY THAT'S THE "SKILL".
SKIPPY THE BUSH KANGAROO
(1967-69)
NORFOLK INTERNATIONAL
AUSTRALIA'S MOST exported show (to 128 countries at last count). The Yanks had Lassie and Rin Tin Tin, we had a kangaroo. Skippy could do anything - fly helicopters, play drums, control runaway speedboats, you name it. All rather dopey, but kids loved it. Starred ED DEVEREAUX, LIZA GODDARD and TONY BONNER.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...54 KANGAROOS WERE USED UP PER EPISODE
BAFFLING SERIES with floppy-haired MARC HARRISON as a teenage space-God thing stranded in Somerset and - sigh - "trying to get back home". Weird woodland spirit Goodchild turns up along the way, as does the inevitable Ordinary Child Swept Up In Events. Eco-parable, like every other mid-70s sci-fi business.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WROTED BY DR WHOITES BOB BAKER AND DAVE MARTIN
THE SKY AT NIGHT
(1957-DATE)
BBC
SMALL SCREEN equivalent of the Galapagos Island tortoise. Only ever been the one host, but PATRICK MOORE still makes astronomy seem both unerringly dull and annoyingly scary at the same time, even after 50 glorious years. Numerous spin-offs and specials also aired, coinciding with virtually every single development in space exploration over the past half-century, including first Moon landings (later wiped by cack-handed Beeb techies), comet sightings, eclipses, probes, shuttles, satellites etc. Still showing every month, shoved at out somewhere round 1am, to the glockenspiel galumpher's increasing tetchiness. Recent 50th birthday "celebrated" with "special edition" featuring special guest star BRIAN MAY inexplicably dressed up as a 150-year-old Moore.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...EVER-FRIGHTENING THEME MUSIC BY SIBELIUS
THE SKY'S THE LIMIT
(1971-75)
YORKSHIRE
ROTTEN PLAYTHING cooked up by HUGHIE GREENE as a replacement for DOUBLE YOUR MONEY based on entirely the same concept but parachuted into glamorous locations in the hope people wouldn't notice. Nobody did, but only because nobody was watching. Contestants got subjected to the Greene gurn "from an exotic locale" like a waterfall or a sandy beach, with "one very lucky person" winning a trip around the world. Fuck knows how Yorkshire paid for it all. Perhaps they didn't.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WORST BIT: "WE'LL BE BACK AFTER THE BREAK" - CUT TO HUGHIE AND SCANTILY-CLAD "LOVELY" SIPPING FROM A DECAPITATED COCONUT
IN THE near-ish future everyone under five foot high is hunted down, for satirical comedy purposes. CHRISTOPHER "MIKE" RYAN led the rag-tag fugitive bunch of short geezers with much pratfalling at the giants' expense. Titular problem became somewhat larger, however, when viewers missed the point, got upset and deluged OPEN AIR with complaints, ensuring the series never came back.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WRITTEN BY TONY "CITIZEN SMITH" MILLAN AND MIKE "BRUSH STROKES" WALLING
SMALL WONDER
(1986)
METROMEDIA
THE DEPTHS to which mankind can sink was effectively summed up in this schmaltzcom with a maverick inventor building a robot ten-year-old girl called VICI (Voice Input Child Identicant). Ran for nine million episodes in the US, though thankfully only 12 were screened over here. And that was at Sunday lunchtimes.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."SHE'S A MIRACLE/AND I GRANT YOU/SHE'LL ENCHANT YOU..." BE GONE!
THE SMALL WORLD OF SAMUEL TWEET
(1974-75)
BBC
KIDS COMEDY vehicle for once-loved bowler-hatted weirdo FREDDIE "PARROT FACE" DAVIES, here taking the title role as a daft, mild-mannered pet shop owner, ever in conflict with Lord Chumpton (CARDEW "THE CAD" ROBINSON).
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...LOGICALLY IF PREDICTABLY, MANY PARROTS FEATURED
MOONLIGHTING FROM pulling rubbery faces and dressing up as comedy punks on NOT THE NINE O'CLOCK NEWS, MEL SMITH did this uncomfortable Books Are Fun, Kids! comedy/educational effort on Tuesday afternoons together with long-serving kids TV face. BOB "ACE REPORTS" GOODY. Almost certainly not on the director of Mr Bean's CV nowadays. Thunderously ill-advised title sequence involved a fuzzy cartoon approximation of the duo belting out a tuneless theme song, to wit: "Good books, bad books, funny books, ever-been-had books and sad books/There's a book about a ship that disappears without trace/There's a book about a thing that came from outer space..." and so on. Despite the literate tomfoolery, the show quickly followed its own advice and "disappeared without trace".
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WHAT THE FUCK'S AN "EVER-BEEN-HAD BOOK", ANYWAY?
THE SMURFS
(1978)
HANNA-BARBERA
NOT MUCH to add about this twiddly blue gnome franchise, except to say that without Father Abraham, they were nothing. Papa Smurf arsed about in red hat and beard, while Smurfette was proto-Essex girl (blonde perm, white slingbacks, surrounded by loads of dim blokes). Evil Gargamel and cat Azrael lurked in the background. Devised by addled Belgian Peyo, who specified that a Smurf was "three apples high". Yeah. Oh, and a doff of a floppy white cap to the National Garages promotion where you could "service with a Smurf"...
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...CONTRIVED USE OF WORD "SMURF" IN PLACE OF EVERY OTHER VERB SOON ENSURED (TEMPORARY) DOWNFALL OF ORIGINAL WAVE OF SMURFABILIA (OH BOLLOCKS)
SO IT GOES
(LATE 1970s)
GRANADA
RETROSPECTIVELY REVERED northerly proto-punk music and "lifestyle" rabbleathon, noted for being the first non-regional news small screen appearance of the illustrious TONY "ANTHONY H" WILSON, here perched on a stool in front of some TV sets and thinking up ways to link The Buzzcocks to Barthes.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BUT WHERE IT GOES TO, NOBODY KNOWS
SO YOU THINK...YOU CAN BELIEVE YOUR EYES
(1982)
BBC
THE SO YOU THINK... format had been running on and off (mostly off) on the Beeb since 1965's So You Think You Can Drive. Various subjects got covered, but the format remained the same: a panel of experts in the appropriate field were given questions on clips by MC CLIFF MICHELMORE. This one gets special mention due to its heroic pointlessness: the theme was those corny old optical illusions (the triangle-that-isn't, which of these lines is the longer) which provided work for the BBC graphics department and sleep for everyone else.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."THEY ARE IN FACT...THE SAME LENGTH!!"
SO YOU WANT TO BE TOP?
(1984-85)
BBC
NOISY SHOUTY roustabout ostensibly cocking a "snook" at "teacher" but in reality a lazily-themed kids' gameshow ripping off CRACKERJACK (or rather, ripping off Bad Era CRACKERJACK) by virtue of its hackneyed hybrid of trivia, crap puns, dressing up and custard pies in the standard BBC vein. Marshalling said forces was GARY WILMOT. Fortunately the West End beckoned before too much harm was done.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...A BIT OF AN F. L. O. P.
RICH FAMILY/POOR family satirecom with such sorts as KATHERINE HELMOND, ROBERT MANDAN, DIANA CANOVA, BILLY CRYSTAL and ROBERT "VEGAS" URICH mugging it up for America. Transvestites, Mafia, aliens and winsome theme song all conspired to land ABC with 32,000 letters of complaint before the first episode even went out. Thankfully they ignored them.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."I'VE TOLD YOU A THOUSAND TIMES: THAT DRESS FASTENS AT THE BACK"
STARCHED SPIN-OFF of Z CARS with STRATFORD JOHNS and FRANK WINDSOR initially trying to keep order in the fictional west country crime capital of Wyvern, grappling with irresponsible bulldog clips, winkle-picker-wearing shafers and eternally suspicious big-jowled locals. Soon became SOFTLY SOFTLY: TASK FORCE with our heroes now in the employ of Thamesford Constabulary CID. Then Johns pissed off to do his own solo copathon, BARLOW AT LARGE, which then became simply BARLOW (keep up), before getting back together with Windsor for, of all things, a Jack the Ripper caper, all of which culminated in SECOND VERDICT, a whole series of old-mysteries-solved-in-the-present-day. Somehow this whole palaver was eked out over 10 years. Along the way came Harry the Hawk and his extraordinary propensity for opening and walking through doors (thanks Clive). GARFIELD MORGAN, WALTER GOTELL, SUSAN TEBBS, WARREN CLARKE and TERENCE RIGBY also looked in from time to time.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."DO HURRY UP SIR, THERE'S BEEN AN ELECTROCUTION AT THE LOCAL DANCE HALL - AGAIN!"
NINE-PART ADAPTATION by David Line of his best-selling children's thriller. Two boys get pursued by a sinister foursome of Czech emigres on location around Manchester and Stockport, on the bleak uplands of the Pennines and in the granite mountains of the Lake District. GERALD SUNDQUIST was Jim and RICHARD WILLIS played Soldier, the bespectacled young Czech boy who befriended him. Witnessed a shooting and were pursued throughout by the assassins 'Boss' and his henchmen, leading them to spring off a 15-foot wall, row a tiny boat across a storm-tossed Wastwater, ride a derelict bike down a steep hill, engage in a rooftop escapade, get shot at by an angry farmer and jump off a moving train in the middle of wild country.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WHY THEY DIDN'T JUST GET ON A BUS BEATS US
THUNDEROUSLY PO-FACED pickle penned by CARLA LANE with FELICITY KENDAL "struggling" as a single woman trying to fight "the system" i.e. men. Felicity's bare arse appeared in a park fantasy sequence. STEPHEN "MARVIN" MOORE's did not.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SADLY IT WAS BUT SOME STUNT BUTTOCKS
DUSTILY-REMEMBERED STAPLE of Granada's school holiday morning schedules, featuring PAUL CRONIN as Aussie motorbike cop Gary Hogan, spun-off from MATLOCK POLICE.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THEME SONG: "I'VE GOT A FRIEND, IT'S A MOTORBIKE, AND IT'S JUST CALLED SOLO ONE". WELL, QUITE.
SOME MOTHERS DO 'AVE 'EM!
(1973-78)
BBC
OH LOOK, there's a retarded man hanging over a cliff. Let's hope he doesn't fall off, because next week he's due to be rollerskating under a lorry.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."I'M A FAILURE!" FUCK OFF
POST-PUNK MUSIC and "issues" show which roamed the provinces each week for mohicaned discussion and the new one from Magazine. Better than most. But when 'most' equals THE OXFORD ROAD SHOW, what is that saying, exactly?
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...EXTRA POINTS ESPECIALLY FOR PAUL KENNA, PYJAMA-ED BULLSHITTING PRESENTER OF YORE
THE SONG AND THE STORY
(1982)
BBC
ISLA ST CLAIR buggers off to some rural part of Scotland or something, sings some folk songs, and "investigates" the stories behind them. Soporific stuff.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."LAVENDER'S BLUE, DILLY DILLY... ACTUALLY, THAT SONG WASN'T ABOUT LAVENDER AT ALL. IT WAS ABOUT THE PLAGUE. AGAIN."
INSUFFERABLE REPLACEMENT for the inoffensively irreplaceable A HANDFUL OF SONGS in ITV's lunchtime kiddies' slot.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...COME BACK KEITH AND MARIA
SONGS OF PRAISE
(1961-DATE)
BBC
PARISHONAL POW-WOW showcasing abnormally packed congregations doled up to the nines singing in an exaggerated fashion, interspersed with reflections on the locality from the likes of civic dignitaries, community leaders and the world's oldest lollipop lady. Format barely touched since day one. Famous face (CLIFF MICHELMORE, PAM RHODES, MICHAEL BARRATT, DEBBIE THROWER) welcomes you to "the beautiful county town of..." while loitering in a churchyard. Then it's inside for the first hymn (the words on the screen so you can sing along). Then it's back outside for a nose around the vicinity. If it's a fishing town, there's always a shot of locals bringing in the first catch of the day at 5.30am. If it's in a city, there's a shot of a workman in an orange bib climbing onto a bus at 5.00am. More hymnnage follows. A celebrity born in the area will show up for some reminiscing ("I remember the Harvest Festival of 1957 when I dressed up as a wheat sheaf and forgot the words to the second verse of All Things Bright And Beautiful!"). A local sob story is told. Prayers will be read. During the final hymn the camera will pick out people in the congregation who were featured in the programme earlier. Then it's a dutiful farewell from our host and that strident organ theme to send us on our way feeling suitably wretched. An immovable feast at 6.40pm on Sunday teatimes for decades, even turning up on Christmas Day, though latterly its timeslot has crept back to 5.30pm. Hosts now include JONATHAN EDWARDS and also DIANE LOUISE JORDAN who lied about being a Christian when applying for the job, only for prolonged exposure to the book of Jobe and all 3,781 verses of Guide Me Oh Thou Great Redeemer to convert her on the spot.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."PLEASE TURN TO HYMN NUMBER 218"
SONS AND DAUGHTERS
(1980s)
ITV
AFTERNOON STRIPPED Aussie cut-price DYNASTY tomfoolery from the melodrama meister Reg Grundy. SONS AND DAUGHTERS, or SODS, followed the trials and tribulations of two disparate families: the affluent, posho Hamiltons and the ocker "she'll be right, mate" blue collar Palmers - linked by a pair of twins born out of wedlock and adopted by both families. The sole valid reason for watching was to spot the various waifs and strays from THE SULLIVANS, THE YOUNG DOCTORS, PRISONER: CELL BLOCK H etc., all of whom who later hit the big time settling down in Erinsborough or Summer Bay. Yet SODS ushered in a few innovations in Aussie soaps in a well-intentioned effort to bridge the long-standing rivalry between Sydney and Melbourne by locating its characters and actually producing episodes in both cities. Revived at the turn of the millennium by Channel 5 to fill the crud vacuum left by the departure of PRISONER's menopausal miscreants from the late-night schedules. Which says it all really.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...LOVE AND LAUGHTER, TEARS AND SADNESS AND HAPPINESS. YUP, THAT'S ABOUT EVERY EMOTION IN THE WORLD COVERED.
THE SOOTY SHOW
(1952-DATE)
BBC/THAMES
VARIOUSLY MONIKERED capers of orange, verbally-challenged, waterpistol-toting magic bear-cum-hand puppet possessed by extreme powers of endurance. First "helper" was crotchety old HARRY CORBETT (who'd bought the thing from a Blackpool pier for two shillings), making up a mess of fun on scratchy old black'n'white Beeb in the fifties, usually involving flour. Lots of flour. Thence appeared buffoonish second banana Sweep, grey dog who squeaked, and usually prime victim of slapstick shenanigans. Also fond of singing, which involved tuneless squeaking and, crucially, sticking out his paws to indicate his depth of feeling. (We've always admired Sweep's patience as it must be hard going through life having your every utterence repeated back to you as a question.) Next up were Kipper the cat, Butch the dog and Ramsbottom the snake, all of which were crap and were accordingly forgotten about. Then after much deliberation by BBC chiefs, Sooty was allowed to have a talking panda girlfriend, Soo, so long as there was no onscreen hanky-panky and she did all the housework. When Harry said "Bye bye, everybody, bye bye!" for the last time he handed the whole thing over to son MATTHEW, whose main claim to fame up to that point was founder membership of the RAINBOW Rod, Jane and... triumvirate. Took the whole shebang to Thames, with radical format shift, chiefly involving a pop group (inevitably). Then it changed again, majoring on the country homestead adventures of Matthew and friends, with bizarre bathroom scenes a highlight. Travels in the Sootymobile followed suit, and you even got to see Sooty's legs now. Top surreal moment was guest appearance by Iron Maiden drummer NICKO McBAIN, who taught Sweep how to wield the sticks. Then Matthew sold the whole lot for £1.4m in 1996, and the thing became a dreadful nostalgia industry pimping ground.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."WHAT'S THAT SOOTY? DO I WANT A PRESENT? YES, THAT WOULD BE VERY NI...AAARGH, I'M ALL WET"
SORRY MATE, I DIDN'T SEE YOU!
(1979)
BBC
YET ANOTHER of those preachy ON THE MOVE-style BBC educational initiatives, aimed at teaching the unwashed masses about road safety. Memorable only for the Tom Robinson-esque theme song which went - "Sorry mate, I didn't see you/Sorry mate, I didn't see you/Sorry mate, I didn't see you/I didn't see you/Ooh, sorry, mate/Ooh, sorry mate..." etc etc.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...WELL, IT BEATS GET FIT WITH BRITTAS
PERENIALLY KNOCKED yet persistently nifty sitcom warhorse blessed with one of the greatest TV themes ever (wah-wah guitar...tooting saxophone...synth drums...weird bbbaaaooooowwww sounds - this had everything) and constituting a sterling second source of income for RONNIE CORBETT. Timothy Lumsden (sporting, in retrospect ill-advisedly, permed hair) works in a library, rides and moped and still lives at home with battleaxe matriachal monster Phyllis (BARBARA LOTT, and she did) and simpering under-the-thumb father Sidney (WILLIAM MOORE, and we didn't). And that was it. Tim tries to find a steady girlfriend. His mum cocks it up. Eggy soldiers for breakfast. "Mother, I'm 47!" Sister Muriel shaking her head in pity. "Language Timothy!" "Sorry father". Pints of bitter down the uber-sitcom local with best mate Frank. Appalling cooking. Equally appalling pop culture references. Sappy girlfriends called Jennifer. Finally ended with our man fleeing the family bosom and marrying Pippa, last shot capturing Ron making a Thelma and Louise-esque jump betwixt tenth-floor hotel balconies.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...BBBBBAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW
UNNECESSARY ENCORE for the old-as-hills brass-band-as-sitcom number, already rehearsed and rehashed to death in similarly craply-punned palavers WHERE THERE'S BRASS, BOLD AS BRASS and OH HAPPY BAND. Given it was about the North and involved Larger-Than-Life Stereotyped Yorkshirepersons, BRIAN GLOVER and GWEN TAYLOR were involved.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."BY 'ECK, THA'S TROMBONIST PLAYS 'AS IS A RI'HT COCK"
THE SOUTH BANK SHOW
(1978-DATE)
LWT
JAUNDICED JUGGERNAUT of "It's The Arts" franchise-fulfilling, regulator-appeasing slurry stirred up by "Presenter/Editor" MELVYN "A TIME TO BONK" BRAGG. Supposed unshakeable totem of ITV-as-a-quality-broadcaster, of course, so why is it always shoved out at the arse end of Sunday night? In-between launching himself off on another pompous, boring, cheap, snidey dig at the "arts"-hating BBC, Melv continues to front one-hour profiles of things of a singularly it's-on-ITV-this-week or it's-in-the-cinema-from-Friday bent, occasionally remembering there are people who aren't stand-up comics turned actors or hoary rockers with a greatest hits package to plug still alive. Sigh. Great theme tune and titles, though, courtesy of Lloyd-Webber's "Variations" for "cello and rock band".
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...OR... XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX, DEPENDING, WHO'S ON
SOUTH OF THE BORDER
(1985)
YORKSHIRE
NORTHERNER FORCED by circumstance moves to the South of England looking for work. Contrast between his brusque, no-nonsense frame of mind and the pretentions of the people he falls in with results in humour. Not as bad as that sounds, thanks to a fairly topical script and, inevitably, BRIAN GLOVER in the lead role.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."QUITE RIGHT SON, YOU'RE NOT WRONG"
SPACE GHOST
(1967)
HANNA-BARBERA
SEMI-ANIMATED MASKED geezer with invisible powers and special belt fights interplanetary crime with Jayce and Jan and Blip the monkey. Jousted with evil Zorak, the grasshopper man.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...LATER DREDGED UP TO FILL AIRTIME, OR RATHER STRIKETIME, ON TV-AM
JAPANESE-DUBBED-TO-ENGLISH CAPERY about a 50 foot tall robot named Goldar (with long blond hair) who was married to a regular sized woman-robot (plus a kid). They battled a villain named Rodak or something like that; every episode had another grand-tradition-of-Godzilla type monster for them to slay.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."SO WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED THIS WEEK?"
SPACE PATROL
(1963-64)
WONDERAMA
WHEN PEOPLE start talking about "that FIREBALL XL5 show - the one with the parrot" it's this lesser-known effort they mean. Nothing to do with Anderson at all, this "National Interest" puppetry pantheon chronicled the exploits of Larry Dart (voiced by DICK VOSBURGH) and co. in the Galasphere, replete with bullshitting fowl, Gabby The Gabblerdictum. Incomprehensible check procedures used to go: "'Gamma rays on' 'Check' 'Yobba rays on' 'Check'..."
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...YOBBA RAYS?
SPACE SENTINELS
(1980)
FILMATION
STIFFLY-ANIMATED ADVENTURES of three superheroes who live in a volcano: Mercury (runs quickly), Hercules (strong) and Astria (changes into animals and shit). They had - yes - a big computer (Sentinel One), and a little comedy robot called Mo, who fancied Astria to no comedic effect. Alternated with BATTLE OF THE PLANETS. Produced by Lou Scheimer and Norm Prescott, lest we remember.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NOT FORGETTING THE FLAT-VOICED SUPER-HOLOGRAM S1
GERRY ANDERSON thinks he can better STAR TREK and decides to arrange a nuclear explosion on the "dark side of the moon" thereby sending the titular satellite, its research station MOONBASE ALPHA and all 311 inhabitants into deepest space. Ongoing "mission" was to try and, well, stop. Except various Bacofoil alien encounters kept getting in the way and pissing off MARTIN "KOENIG" LANDAU and BARBARA "DR RUSSELL" BAIN. Plots included finding Voyager II (like in that Star Trek film), a big piece of fluff in space, and the old "duplicate Moonbase" ploy. Crew boasted a woman who could turn herself into a pot plant. Those green and white Eagles (with ace detatchable T-Bird 2-style pods) were neat enough though, with the Dinky toy versions rising in price to about £500 at exactly the time we threw ours out.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...NONE OF IT TURNED OUT TO BE TRUE EITHER. BAH.
SPECIAL BRANCH
(1969-74)
THAMES
TOUGH-NOSED, HARD-PERMED, tight-trousered cop shop series which graduated from studio-bound videotaped vaudeville to all-on-film out-and-out shouting. Original star was DERREN NESBITT, he of the curly blond hair and artfully-shaped sideboards. PATRICK MOWER was his sidekick. Revamp found Mower promoted to star GEORGE SEWELL looking petulant keeping the car engine ticking over in the background. Sewell got the last laugh though, going on to be George Smiley's troubleshooter and Jasper Carrott's boss. Mower, meanwhile, went on to Burton's adverts ("Nice safari suit, not leaving the country are we?") and Carry On England.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...GRAVELLY
SPEED BUGGY
(1973-74)
HANNA-BARBERA
THREE TEENAGE kids (a shiny new sixpence to whoever can remember their no doubt way-out names) have rattling adventures in the eponymous buggy, a crazy car that always spluttered to a halt at a crucial getaway moment.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."HOT DANG"
SPIDER-MAN
(1960s)
GANTRAY-LAWRENCE
THE ORIGINAL cartoon of the "webbed wonder" of comic fame boasted the Peter Parker "bitten by radioactive spider"/web-spraying wristy things/Aunt May set up, besides introducing that BATMAN-rivalling theme song to kids the world over. Then in 1982 came Spider-man And His Amazing Friends, with that tell-tale adjective giving the lie to this creaky old franchise revival, this time with the errant Parker living in some cool Breakfast Club-type '80s teen pad with Bobby "Iceman" Drake (who surfed about on a self-generating pavement of ice) and Anjelica "Firestar" Jones.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."CATCHES THIEVES JUST LIKE KNIVES?" WONDERED MARK RADCLIFFE
LIVE-ACTION SPIDEYFEST that's the best for our money simply because, being live-action, it looks completely ridiculous. NICK HAMMOND was the man Parker, in the red-blue ensemble looking uncannily like Kenny Everett desperate to have a piss.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...DIRECTED BY ONE E W SWACKHAMER
SPINE CHILLERS
(EARLY 1980s)
BBC
SPOOKEEE SPIN-OFF of Jackanory, as the likes of MARTIN "RINGS" JARVIS tell mildly hair-raising tales in pre-NATIONWIDE slot.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."THEN, THE SILENCE WAS BROKEN BY A KNOCK ON THE DOOR..."
SPITTING IMAGE
(1984-96)
CENTRAL
FOREVER ERRONEOUSLY referred to with a superfluous "S" at the end of the programme's title, SPITTING IMAGE offered up detailed three-dimensional "latex lampoonery" of the most well known figures of the day, while less well-known figures were portrayed by either that puppet that looked like JIMMY TARBUCK, or the one that was a dead ringer for FREDDIE MERCURY (this one also doubled for all waiters shown on the programme). Broadcast in the one outpost of the ITV schedule that for a time provided a home for vaguely anarchic comedy material, SPITTING IMAGE was a mainstay of the Sunday evening at 10 slot that had previously been occupied by the likes of WOOD AND WALTERS and CLIVE JAMES ON TELEVISION. Yet given the former series' obsession with making observations about dinner ladies who scratch their armpit with a spatula, and the latter's focus on being "irreverent" but in a very middle class way, those Spitting Images offered up something that for its time seemed genuinely shocking. The show was cited as being culpable in the political destruction of DAVIDs STEEL and OWEN, while the fact that the average man in the street was able to name more than one member of Thatcher's mid-Eighties cabinet is supposedly thanks to their memorable puppetry portrayal. Perhaps the series's most heinous crime, though, was to provide early television exposure for the likes of ALISTAIR MCGOWAN and JON "CREEPY HAIR" CULSHAW. There is perennial talk of bringing it back, but working out how it couldn't be rubbish now remains a persistent roadblock.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...THEY NEVER MET A NICE SOUTH AFRICAN, AND THAT'S NOT BLOODY SURPRISING
TATTY MAGAZINE programme for kids in the quarter-to-five slot. A supposed rival to Blue Peter, but how they ever thought that the mulletted likes of MICHAEL "THAT'S LIFE" GROTH, LISA "IFFY IMPRESSIONS" MAXWELL and NINO FERETTO (pronounced "ferret-oh" by kids the nation over) would succeed where MAGPIE had failed beggars belief.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SEE ALSO DO IT AND FREETIME FOR MORE PARTIAL PALTRY 'PETER PISS-TAKES
PRE-WIDE AWAKE CLUB shortlived Saturday morning effort. TItle stood for Soap Puzzles Laughter And Talent, although show rarely contained any of them. Presented by future Wide Awaker and Roland Rat production assistant JAMES BAKER, and boasted a quiz segment that featured a scoreboard made of hens laying eggs into tubes, plus No Adults Allowed, a soap opera starring (and allegedly written by) children, some older ones playing the parts of adults. Rumoured to also be directed by children but this was TV-am in 1984 so it's unlikely that anyone could tell the difference.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...AXED BY BRUCE GYNGELL FOR, LAUGHABLY, COSTING TOO MUCH
BENT COPPERCOM which lingered for a while at the turn of the decade in spite of iffy plots, endless strikes and equally numerous cast changes including the corrupt eponymous inspector regenerating from RONALD FRASER to DONALD "GOODNIGHT AND GOD BLESS" CHURCHILL between series one and two. RAY "SIMPSON" GALTON and JOHNNY "GARNETT" SPEIGHT wrote it, not always in the same room.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ALSO FEATURED PATRICIA "INEBRIATE" HAYES AND DERMOT "COWBOYS" KELLY
SPORT BILLY
(EARLY 1980s)
FILMATION
ODD CARTOON kid of vaguely Hispanic origin battles evil green Queen Vandar and snivelling gnome-like henchman who want to "destroy all sport" for some reason. Different sport each week. Eventually they ended up doing things like lacrosse, for fuck's sake, but interest had long since waned.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."A TRAVELLER IN TIME/YOU FIGHT FOR WHAT'S RIGHT" YEAH, YEAH...
INCREDIBLY POPULAR at the time, virtually forgotten now. Moonlighting treasure hunter ANNEKA RICE fronted this uncomplicated stars-try-new-sport showcase, trying to promote the ethicacy of scuba diving, hang-gliding and so on. Invariably they would be crap to begin with, and with a lot of patience from their instructors and a bucketful of dedication and guts, they'd be slightly less crap a month later. Roll call of "inappropriate" celebsports: TREVOR MACDONALD - squash, ANNEKA RICE - orienteering, MARTIN SHAW - hang-gliding, SUZI QUATTRO - clay pigeon shooting. You hadn't to be there.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...LATER CAME THE EVEN MORE SHITE AND EVEN MORE POPULAR DRIVING FORCE, WHEREBY MIKE SMITH AND FLOELLA BENJAMIN HAD A LAUGH DRIVING TANKS OR REVERSING ARTICULATED TRUCKS ROUND CORNERS
SPORTING TRIANGLES
(1986-90)
CENTRAL
LAME RIP-OFF of A Question Of Sport (no, it's different, it's got three teams, see?) hosted by NICK OWEN with team captains JIMMY GREAVES, TESSA SANDERSON and a pre-Sky ANDY GRAY. Weird synthy theme tune ("Boing! Boing! Boing!" it went), spinny dice titles and crappy triangular perspex set.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...SPIN-OFF BOARD GAME SOLD IMMODESTLY
SPORTSVIEW/SPORTSNIGHT/MIDWEEK SPORTS SPECIAL
(1954-70/1970-97/1980s)
BBC/BBC/ITV
ALL UNDER the banner of the "weekly review of sport", these "sturdy" vehicles rounded up the action for the football-deprived midweek pundit. 'View, fronted by PETER DIMMOCK, was technically daring for the time, and pioneered a mateyness then unheard of among the Beeb's starched collars. Sportsnight was basically a name-only change, with fantastic bossa nova xylophone-riffed theme tune by The Tony Hatch Orchestra. Usually majored in football, especially those crackly-voiced commentaries from "beyond the Iron Curtain" as some hapless British outfit struggled to overcome the "crack" East German Stasi XI. Not so good when it was The Horse Of The Year Show. In the same way that you sat through TOMORROW'S WORLD as you waited for TOP OF THE POPS, sports fans had to endure a QED or Pollard/Wilcox-driven docusoap penury THE MARRIAGE. Originally had DAVID COLEMAN in the chair, later followed by HARRY CARPENTER. Meanwhile, Midweek Sports Special played the young upstart to Sportsnight's assured uncle. Same format: footy highlights (after Alistair Burnett had helpfully told us to "look away now" when doing the results), bit of snooker, boxing, ice skating. Majestic orchestral march as signature tune.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
...ONLY THE THEMES REMAIN
SPY FORCE
(1970-71)
PARAMOUNT AUSTRALIA
SECOND WORLD war adventures of a bunch of characters played by actors who seemed to star in every other Australian film and television drama at the time. Redmond Phillips (baddie in Phoenix 5) was your pompous colonel replete with glamorous sidekick played by Katy Wild. They would send Jack (xenophobic digger) Thompson and the German Peter "Adolf" Sumner into New Guinea, etc. to give jip to johnny Nippon. Katy Wild's character was once captured and had her clothes ripped off by brutal Japanese soldiers. Both the male leads were working under duress, Sumner was a German alien internee and Thompson was a draft dodger or something. Obviously inspired by yank tripe 'Garrison's Gorillas'. All-action intro with explosions and falling bodies and, naturally, 'Waltzing Matilda' theme.
TV CREAM immortality rating -
..."I ALWAYS WATCH SPY FORCE," QUOTH ROLF. PROBABLY.
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