LOCAL HEROES

A station-by-station grab-bag of oddly memorable regional trailers for carpet warehouses, theme parks, kitchen retailers, whatever.

 

ANGLIA

My all-time favourite was an ad for a health and fitness studio in Norwich. We're talking really localised here - as far as I know it was never on TV, and the only place I used to see it was at Cinema City, Norwich's groovy art-house Piccy Palace. I can't even remember the name of the place, but I shall carry to my grave the memory of the cheesy mid-80s-pop-style soundtrack (so obviously library music, and badly done at that) and the image of bubble-permed young housewifes with - get this - pink eyeshadow, arsing about on rowing machines and the like.
- Adrian Clark

 

ASSOCIATED/CENTRAL

Well, it didn't get much better than Don Amott's Caravan Kingdom in the Midlands of the late '70s. The ad had a very bad (even for the time) cartoon lion in crown and kingly sash (or something) leaning on a caravan and singing the top tuneless ditty - "Don Amott, King of caravans! The price is right, and the choice is yours!" Marvellous.

"Buy, buy... groceries!" "Buy, buy... meat 'n' fish!" And, until recently, buy, buy remaindered Saint And Greavsie videos for a quid. ANd also, to the tune of I DO Like To Be Beside the Seaside, Oh I Do Like To Shop Around the Bull Ring, which ended "... and we'll take home some market food for teeeeeee, Park the car without a fuss, Take the train or catch a bus! The Bull ring centre's- the place for me!" Or worse still, to a Calypso rhythm -"At de Bullring shoppin centre, deres a smile on every face. From de moment dat you enter you know its a special place,,," Admit it, you miss the Bull Ring Shopping Centre already.
- Duncan, The Green Goblin

Later on, Central "Why can't all towns be like" Milton Keynes offered "Shopping as it should bee-ee-ee". Both were sung to dreadful chirpy '80s barren-musical-middleground-twixt-Buck's-Fizz-and-Radio 2-jingle songs.

Quick roll call of local theme parks -

West Midlands Safari Park, on the A456 between Kidderminster and Bewdley.

Drayton Manor Park and Zoo, Fazeley, near Tamworth, Staffs.

Wicksteed Park (uuurgh...)

Ha ha ha hee hee hee, Gulliver's Kingdom, hee hee hee!
- Simon Charndon

A furniture store in the centre of Birmingham on Broad Street called Lee Longlands had the most godawful jingle which is of course why I remember it so vividly. It went - "Leave it (quietly) Leave it, leave it to Lee, leave it to Lee, Longlands (quietly) Longlands, leave it, naturally, something else-ly, da dah da dahhhh, leave it to Leeeeeeeeeee Longlands", but the totally bizzare thing about the ad apart from the jingle was, as memory serves, whilst the music was playing, the ad showed you pictures of the outside of the building and nothing at all to do with the furniture inside...
- Toby Riding

Bristol Street Motors, at Long Acre, Meachells, Stratford Road, Shirley, Mackerdown Lane, Garret's Green and Bristol Street, Birmingham (of course!)
- Sally Collis

Those car dealer ads with Sam 'But the pants stay on' Fox. Bearded twat called Wally (who drives about in an old Morris Traveller or something) Sees Maria (in tight-fitting t-shirt of course) - "That's a nice new car!" Sam: "Yes, Wally! It's a Yugo! Got it from Swithland Motors!" (you can imagine how bad the delivery was). Catchphrase - don't be a wally! go to Swithland Motors! Later version had a 'cliffhanger': "Find out why Wally fainted!" Was it because of Sam's breasts?! No, it was over the cheapness of the cars. Again.
- Tom Pinkett

The tagline, if I recall correctly, was "Follow the Fox to Swithland".
- Simon Powell

Always during the break during Star Soccer on a Sunday you'd get the Alton Towers ad ("Between Leek and Uttoxeter") with the Van Der Valk theme before it became Van Der Valk ...and you would always get the beer ad too." Beer at home means Davenports thats the beer, lots of cheer...(then another verse I can't remember but promised to deliver or something like that) ...because beer at home is Davenports"...then some bloke with cheesy grin appears and goes "Cheers" in a most un-Midlands posh accent. Finally there were the Ellerman Sunflight ads. Deadly Doug from Aston Villa I believe.
- Tony Roe

DFS are all over the place now - even down here in London - but around 1983, the first ones in the Central region opened, and the places stick in my mind.  The closing line of each ad was  "Darley Dale, near Matlock and Tamworth Road, Measham" spoken by serious but slightly excited voice-over, no doubt looking forward to the endless sales there would be. As soon as it was Boxing Day in the Central region, ITV used to bombard us with adverts for DFS. Despite the fact that no one in the Midlands has a clue what the acronym stands for (a feature that was actually used to market the store one year). Later it expanded to "DFS at Darleydale, Measham, Droitwich, Grantham, Northampton, Cannock, Fenton, Shrewsbury and now the Potteries Centre, Hanley".
- Ian McDougall

In the summer holidays in the late 1980s it wasn't unusual to witness Lenny Henry in - Commander Henry Plays The Day Out In Dudley Time Interface Game - basically a wacky way of showing all the stuff you could do in Dudley - mainly the Black Country Museum, seeing shire horses, doing that 'walking on the sides of the tunnel' thing on a canal barge ("Look at this! Leggy Henry!"), drinking a pint of real ale ("That is bostin'!") and glass blowing ("Tricky or what!?!?!?") etc. Also noteworthy for Lenny affecting a mock "over the top" Dudley accent despite actually being from the town anyway.
- Paul Newton

 

BORDER

Lowther Park! The children would love to go!
Lowther Park! To a circus show!
Lowther Park! Acres of parkland, so...
Lowther! Near Penrith!

For some reason, "near Penrith" was always said in a really smug voice. I used to work there for £1:80 an hour, selling souvenirs that had nothing to do with the place at all. When I was little, Tucker Jenkins (as he was then) opened the mini train track but the train keeled over with lots of kids sitting on it. Growing up in Penrith I never had any illusions about the place, but my boyfriend got taken in by the advert whilst on holiday in Cumbria as a child, and has never quite got over the disappointment.
- Victoria Dutchman-Smith

 

GRAMPIAN

 

GRANADA

Oyston Estate Agents: fairly ubiquitous throughout the 80s, these ads featured notoriously flamboyant estate agent Owen Oyston, falling backwards into a swimming pool (a la opening titles of Neighbours) with tedious monotony. In hat, beard and white suit, Oyston looked a bit like a cross between the Man from Del Monte and Terry Pratchett, although he had designs on becoming a Granadaland version of Richard Branson, with his stakes in Blackpool FC and crappy Red Rose Radio. Fortunately, Oyston's present residence is at her majesty's pleasure for reasons best not delved into here. See also clicky-gate commercial for rival Whitegates agency.
- Chris Hughes

"Tommy Ball's" shoe place and "Winfields of Haslingden" carpet warehouse. Neither ads were memorable. Used stills of "attractive" folk in catalogue type poses, smiling as they were seemingly impressed with the 1000s of bargains. "Ladies fashion shoes from 1.99!".
- Bette Davis

Ian Skelly Motors: huge used and new car dealership forever advertised on Granada during the 80s, memorable for pseudo-Douglas Adams locational tagline: "At The End Of The M62." What, in the middle of the road? The Skellmeister frequently vied for primetime attention with less-exciting A+B Motors.
- Chris Hughes

Fade up still picture of Wigan market. Caption - "Wigan market". Voiceover - "Come to Wigan Market!" Fade out. Perfect. Similar technique employed for the still extant "Wright's pies are outstanding!" Advertising agencies in the north west regard anything more fancy than the above as "getting a bit peas above sticks".
- Bill Harkleroad

BOC Cars, (the name stood for something like Bolton/Oldham/Cleveleys) on Hyde Road in Manchester. Hosted by the one and only Sir Bernard Manning, he was engaged as local celebrity type media clown for the purpose of advertising dodgy Arfur Daley stroke Frank Butcher car sales pitch, himself dressed up resplendently in ermine cloak, staff and regal crown, straddling his Rolls Royce: "BOC, better people to buy from! Come and see! We're the Earls Court of the North!"" went the jingle.
- Helen Hughes, Jon Leigh

My particular favourite was the advert for Skegness tourist board, definitely shown on Granada and probably everywhere else. It had an very oddly animated fisherman type skipping across the beach, but it was just so WEIRD, the way he moved and his eyes, and the pipe jutting from his mouth. Scared the living crap out of me...  
- James Wood

Around the mid-80's, I think it was, there was only one question on people's lips. "Who is Eileen Bilton?" Seem to remember that it arose from an advert for Warrington/Runcorn New Town, which ended with the immortal "Ring Eileen Bilton on ........" Unfortunately, it wasn't so good that I remembered the number. I always had a vision of some poor woman sitting at a desk with a multitude of phones around her, trying to pick them all up at once. Oh, how I wish I'd rung her. She's probably dead now, through overwork. Bless.
- Pete Ramsdale

 

HARLECH

Sigma 3: Appalling South Walian kitchen design company hired Welsh ex-snooker champ Terry Griffiths (target of one of John Virgo's oh-so-hilarious "impressions") to, um, pot a snooker ball in slightly amateurish effort to flog hideous beige units formica to Cardiff yuppies (if such a thing existed).
- Chris Hughes

'Visit Sunnyhaven and Blazers caravans, Port Talbot...' - a still slide with the continuity announcer doing the voiceover live.
- Ben Hayes

Modplan: no expense spent ads for Wales and west country double glazing firm featured boiler-suited window-installing bloke arriving at nasty 70s Elm Lodge Housing Estate-type semi. Memorable to anyone who's ever seen it for hilariously nervy performance from starring housewife: "Ask the man from Modplan" she said, in a trembling voice, and fooling no-one.
- Chris Hughes

Arthur Llewellyn Jenkins: Don't know if it counts, as it still pops up to this day, but it starred Captain Peacock (yes, really him) as furniture store manager fending off invisible customers at opening of shop's sale. Really bad. Largely replaced these days by gormless couple "arguing" for comedic effect: "Bed! Settee! Bed! Settee! Bed *and* settee!" See also ever-present terrible cheap ads for Leeke's "The Out Of Town Department Store - Llantrisant, Cross Hands and Tonypandy!" and "George! Street! Furn-ishers!"
- Chris Hughes

HTV West must be (along with Anglia, even as late as the early 90s) in the running for the highest proportion of low-budget local ads. They always seemed less common on Yorkshire, apart from the carpet warehouses (branches in Northallerton, Brigg, Thorpe Arch and Hull, or whatever).
- Adrian Clark

Sunny Haven Caravan Park: Dickie Briers did the honours for rock bottom oh-so-simple card and voiceover commercial for top-notch holiday destination somewhere in West Wales (I forget where)
- Chris Hughes

 

LONDON WEEKEND/THAMES

Remember Capitalcard? A sort of combined tube/train/bus travelcard in the early '80s, advertised with a pinball table (the ball symbolised the busy traveller) and also a plug, with each of the three pins replaced by a train, tube train, and bus coming out of it. Weird.

"Visit the Saudi exhibition at Olympia!" Dennis Waterman with a parrot on his shoulder.

"Going on a Blue Sky holiday this year?" Ultra-cheap one-take scene of Eric Sykes superimposed on some film of clouds, playing darts and being interrupted by the announcer.
- Paul Mavvin

To the tune of "Deck the Halls" - "Fa, lalalala, la la, lalalala, it's Capital this Christmas" sung by Kenny Everett. Usually accompanied by that long, depressing ad for Capital's Christmas Helpline thing for the old/homeless/desperate.

"There's no better way than QUEENSWAY!" Sub-Woolies high street store trailed by sub-Rainbow soft metal.
- Sue Menelik

"Anita Harris says Chessington Zoo is Great!" Voice over (probably David 'Diddy' Hamilton) and slide featuring a grinning lovely Anita. Aired in the London region, early seventies. Cost about £1 15s. Another one was in a choo-choo double-cadence annoying (but memorable, oh God, memorable) neanderthal beat - "Chessington Zoo.Chessington Zoo. Chessington, Chessington, Chessington Zoo... " et-bloody-cetera.
-John E Norris.

"What would you do if London flooded?"* Remember the shadow of fear we lived under in pre flood barrier London? Chilling adverts reminding us all the time of imminent disaster (which we could  prevent just how, exactly?). A child's rag doll bobbing forlornly across the screen. Can't remember just who was Scaremonger General responsible for these (GLC? Thames Water?). Have we got any sandbags, Mum...?

"Come to Colindale Volkswagen" urged proprieter-cum-frontman Ray Thacker for North London based VW dealership. Despite being more wooden than a log cabin, persevered with increasingly wacky hard sell, parachuting in to back projected forecourt at one point. Even merited spot-on piss-take on eighties sketch show (forget which one - KYTV perhaps) Phil Pope daring to fill Thacker's immaculately shining shoes.

Two bored kids, Dad (er, Tony McHale, bit-parts and Eastenders scripts a speciality?) reading the paper in the garden. "what shall we do, Daddy?" Instead of the probable "Push off and ask your Mum, I'm busy", cue rehashed fifties classic "Let's go to the (hop) Zoo" "...Meet a slimy salamander/Get acquainted with a panda /At the zoo!(ba baaa ba)/ooooooooooooooooh/Let's go to the zoo/Down to London Zoo (oh baby)..." Accompanied, Animal Magic style, by various flapping birds, yawning seals, etc.

Was this one regional, or did it blight screens nationwide? "As you walk through the door/Your pound's worth more/At Williams...where else?" Or, as the playground version went, you fell through the floor. Either way, we didn't buy any furniture there. Mind you, neither did anyone else.
- Steve Yately

* smartarse retorts du jour were either "the backstroke" (Nigel Rees' Grafitti vol 3) or the more succint "drown" (Not The Nine O'Clock News).

 

STV/SCOTTISH

STV had a selection of continuity announcers ranging from local radio DJs, (most having the perfect radio face) to others whose breathy, wheezy delivery only just got them through their thirty second pieces ( whilst simultaneously stripping yet another fresh layer of paint from the table in front of them.)    Their favourite trick was to have the poor idiot viewer think that the audio section of his telly had just died, by reading their twenty or thirty second piece to camera, and with just a few seconds left,lean down and switch their mic on.Very equitable for deaf / lip reading viewers - so perhaps they were ahead of their time. I remember,though not yet in my teens,being mortified by their ads for some local dodgy cheapskate dry cleaning outfit which consisted of a few rostrum boards in sequence,accompanied by a pre recorded voice over.Occasionally, the boards were the right way up.   The voice over used was invariably one of the in-house con-announcers, (Clem Ashby ?) whilst their in-house copywriters seemed to have spent too little time in - house, and judging by some of their work ,too much time in the boozer next door. "Whoop-de-do.It's another spring saving spectacular at Bows furniture store this weekend. Come early to avoid disapointment etc.....  
-
Francis Davidson

TV GUIDE - long before TV Times took over the world...well, the ITV network anyway ... Roy Thomson got The Scotsman to print a tatty broadsheet with the programmes in it.  The commercial (which was shown until 1960) had the catchy jingle... "TV Guide only fourpence TV Guide full of gen All the news and information on stars and programmes on channel ten TV Guide only fourpence TV Guide." (Want to guess how much it cost....?)

ROBERTSON STREET WALLPAPER AND PAINT  used a slide and announcer voiceover (usually me) who always ended the 7.5 second read with the words "Halfway down Robertson Street, Halfway down Robertson Street...."   The radio version aded echo and faded out on the third repetition of the phrase.  I still go there for paint by the way.  No, I don't get it free.

CLYDESDALE - a chain of not very upmarket stores flogging "brown" and "white" goods.  I was persuaded to do the end tag which had the singers doing "Come on in to Clydesdale......" with my most sincere spoken "You're a VIP" at the end.  Ran for bloody years and - like FRESH 'N' LO MILK ("Dairy fresh daily") haunted me for years afterwards.  People at parties would ask me to "do the VIP thing".  When it ended, the ad agency got me to do a very funny internat tape which we labelled "V.I.P. - R.I.P."
- Tony Currie

GLENS HUTCHISONS ROBERTSONS and STEPEK (cue dada-da dah dah punchy music). STV (latterly the too-self-important SCOTTISH) Not the name of one mega electrical goods retailer, but rather four sad ones who had obviously pitched-in together to get their high octane ads for ITT tellies and Ferguson music "centres" onto central belt telly in the late 70s and throughout the 80s. Died out for a while, but returned in the late 90s with an electronic version of dada-da dah dah. Still shite and annoying.
DCS.STV 70s. "Carpet's capital at DCS !".
- Stephen Kavanagh

 

SOUTHERN/TVS

A particularly spectacular advert seen for many years in cinemas on the Isle of Wight featured the chemists Gibbs and Gurnell, the "island stockist for all your Este Lauder products" (said above the typical generic plinky-plonky musak). It showed a very amateur, lope-sided photo of the said chemists, plus the most extraordinarily large pile of dog-shit on the pavement outside. Maybe you had to be there but it kept us amused for years...
- Tim Johnston

Yeovil Sheepskin. Consisted of the continuity announcer desperately trying to sound excitied about sheepskins and leathers while a series of slides of models in same garments rapidly flashed by on screen. Aired periodically to the mid 1980s. Picture the scene: Saturday night, Mum & Dad return from the British Legion annual skittles and ploughman's "do",babysitters gone home with her copy of "My Guy".Dad crawls upstairs for a close chat to the toilet.Mum lies comatose from the effects of one too many Campari & cokes.You seize your chance.Late night T.V. Remember these were the times before crappy sitcoms from the U.S patrolled our screens,and Dutch football on channel 5 was still light years away. What a treat night time T.V.You could learn about checking for I.D at the door,the dangers of putting a rug on a polished floor and why you shouldn't  push your boat too close to powerlines(?!?) . Amongst all of this in "Southern/TVS" country was an advert of strange and perplexing nature. "The Yeovil sheepskin shop",proclaimed the mystery voice proudly.This was accompanied by photographs of poor down-on their-luck models wearing what can only be described as tat.This ad was quick and to the point, but had a lasting effect on all who saw it.It also made its way to local cinemas in the region. Now when I meet people from the Yeovil area they seem to have no idea of the establishment of which I'm talking about. Perhaps it has a strange and mysterious tale that people do not talk about, or its a shop with "Mr Benn" type qualities. I would imagine it went bankrupt after trying to peddle a load of crappy coats and spending bucket loads of cash on poor quality adverts that have haunted me for years.
- Robert Woolley, PC

 

TYNE-TEES

Against a shifting pattern of remarkably unexciting stills, the following jingle played and this has insinuated itself into the brain of generations;
"Shepherds of Gateshead/The biggest and the best store/Shepherds of Gateshead/They've got what you're looking for/There's so much to see/And the car park is free/Come shopping at Shepherds/For the whole fam-il-ee!"
Of course, those of us from Sunderland reckoned our very own Joplings was in fact the biggest and the best store, but they didn't advertise, so the damage was done.
- Mike Spedding

 

ULSTER

Jim Megaw, the marketing director of Crazy Prices (local supermarket chain, when big names like Tesco's & Sainsbury's wouldn't come here for fear of being bombed!) always presented their TV adverts, which would be fine and dandy if he wasn't a nervous wooden statue in front of a camera. He always clearly read from idiot boards and never got any better at it. The best ones were when the supermarket gave away a brand new car each week and Jim went round Daz-style to their house to surprise them. While prizewinners went ape over their win, you could always see Jim in shot blinking nervously and sweating profusely with a get-me-away-from-here awkwardness. He was on their adverts for going on 10 years up until approx. 1992? You only had to mention Crazy Prices adverts and everyone knew what you were on about. The man was a legend!

Growing up in the UTV region we were regularly subject to bizarre farming related advertisements.. usually on Sunday mornings during a local farming show complete with farming weather (why farmers where expected to be sitting at home in front of the tv on sundays I have never been able to figure out) Things like...
Richardsons Two Sward.. some kind of fertilizer product... small child listens to wise old grandfather whilst walking around beautiful farmland before parroting corporate chant/slogan "Richardsons Gets Results"
Ivomec... a scary ad that detailed all the revolting parasites that could infect cattle, swine and sheep... lungworm for example.. and then provided a quantam of solace by explaining how all of these could be dealt with by various injections, baths and something called a bolous? I've just discovered the company responsible has a website..
http://www.merial.com/index.html Not for the faint of heart.
Systemex (or systemax) I vaguely recall was another company that told the horrific tale of animal infestation.. and may be the reason I have been a vegetarian for fifteen years... Was it just us, or did other networks in rural economies inflict these nightmares on the unsuspecting?
- Kelsey

 

WESTWARD/TSW

"A lovely day out for all the family - Cricket St Thomas, near Chard"
- Adrian Clark

There was a long runnign ad for Paignton Zoo, "Putting the ooooo back in Zoo!" featuring a beetroot-faced pensioner who looked like he was having a coronary. All tourist attractions were previewed with an info-mercial "What's on and where to go" - with the announcer announcing "What's on and where to go, here are a few holiday ideas" - followed by ads for places like Dobwalls American Themepark (somewhere off the A30).
- Michael Bailey

A stupendous (or should that be stupefying) ad for a children's clothes store (I think it was in Yeovil) called "Tots and Teens". A selection of their (dodgy-looking) merchandise was displayed, but the real killer was the music to go with it, which basically consisted of the words "Tots and Teens" repeated over and over again by a very uninterested-sounding group of, well, Teens...
- Michael Couch

 

YORKSHIRE

My favorite was shown a couple of times on tv but mostly at the cinema and basically was a very plush advert with cyclist belting down various improbable tracks from various camera angles with a high speed metal track behind it, and then at the end there was a large crack in the sound as someone threw a bit of card in front of a camera annoucing, "Cyril Sands - Bike Shop, Halifax" (I'm sure each town had it's local variation)
- Clive Shaw

"Northern Upholstery - at Carr Croft, Brigg, Thorp Arch and Hull", since rendered shit by needless addition of Bradford and somewhere else.
- Paul Carpenter

"It's grand to find a comfortable chair, when you're getting on a bit, or've got arthritis. My niece got this from Shackletons. First she sent for their brochure, then went to their showroom. They'd over a hundred chairs to choose from. I never thought it'd be so easy to get in and out of. The Shackleton Highseat chair - it's lovely!" ......piped trumpet-based music while lady OAP ("unaware" of camera) demonstrates said apparatus.
- Jez Butler, Adam Readman

"Clover - next to Makro on the Leeds ring road!!"  I can't remember what Clover was, but cheers to them for giving Makro a free ad...or there's Madeleys... Madeleys... Madeleys for all your decorating needs - run by ex Leeds united star Paul Madeley
- Isabel Turner

Super-hero clad man in the late '70's urged us to visit Williams (Furniture/carpet shop, I think) with the rousing chorus of : 'As you walk through the door Your pound's worth more At Williams!....... WHERE ELSE!!!?' Super-hero clad man appeared to have massive tackle and as a result attracted riotous laughter in our house.
 - Mike Spooner

Cleethorpes is nominally a holiday resort; but the only people who ever holiday there are from south Yorkshire - out-of-work miners from Mexborough, petrol pump attendants from Doncaster, etc. Hence the perennial New Year ads for the resort's holiday camp thingy Beacholme, across the Yorkshire TV region: "Beacholme! Cleethorpes! Reet good value!" - cue for much hangover-recovery mirth at the 'Yorkie' accent from the very-much-Lincolnshire-ta people of Cleethorpes. Whose accent isn't that dissimilar really, once you move away.
-Pete Green

Skegness tourist board had a very oddly animated fisherman type skipping across the beach, but it was just so WEIRD, the way he moved and his eyes, and the pipe jutting from his mouth. Scared the living crap out of me...
- James Wood

Mikes Carpets! - shouted at you by the "oh so lovely" Mike himself, looking all the world like a reject from Black Lace "agadoo -doo-doo" The usual promises of rock bottom prices for roll ends, "we buy by the mile, you save by the yard" type tosh spouted in one of those annoying twangy Leeds accents (a la Liz Dawn, a.k.a. Vera Duckworth - Coronation Street). "Showrooms in Batley & Armley, Leeds" (I've seen it - its about 400 yards from the prison).
-Micky Parker

Yorkshire TV had their own chairty line.  The radio-style jingle went something like this - "Ring YTV's Christmas Line On Leeds Double-Four eight one nine Five!" They stopped running the jingle in the mid 90s and a playground of kids mourned...
-Mollari